For me, my porn habit started when I was in beginning of middle school. I remember being around age 12, and I found my dad’s pornography stash under his bathroom sink. I don’t remember why I was there, and I am pretty sure that it was something “innocent” (though I could have been looking for my Christmas presents, which would not have been so “innocent”). I don’t really remember what I felt when I first found the stash. However, I “knew” certain things intuitively.
- I probably should not be looking at this because it was hidden.
- It is shameful to have this around because it contains nudity, was never discussed, and it was hidden.
However, it was captivating. I don’t know why but it was. At first, I would go and look at them any time I was home alone. Then I began treating it like a library: taking one for a short period, returning it, then taking another. I knew it was wrong because whenever I took one I would always hide it somewhere where only I could find it (and no, not under the mattress or pillow or anything obvious). I hid it in the attic, in the insulation, in boxes, etc. My parents were not going to find where I hid it. Then later, I discovered internet pornography. Having a computer in my room and the freedom to lock my door, I could easily set my computer where I would never get caught. Then I went to college, a fairly well-known public state university. There I had high speed internet and my friends would email porn pictures to everyone regardless of who you were (Christian or not). So as a Christian, I struggle immensely with the use of internet pornography. Then one day, I had a fling with a girl that I dated from high school, and I began to see my double-standard.
However, on the flip side, I was growing fast as a new believer in Jesus Christ. I attended anything and everything Christian I could from FCA to Campus Crusade to Young Life to Church. I eventually transferred to a private, super-conservative Christian school where I could study the Bible, not wanting to wait for seminary. However, there the battle began to rage furiously. Here I decided to do something about my pornography habit. I was in accountability with the Dean of Men (because I simply felt I couldn’t trust anyone else). So while I was in school, I had no porn habit (3 months was usually my longest streak of not looking at porn). When I graduated, I got married and went to seminary. In seminary, I continued accountability with a person from my undergraduate (as he and I both got married on the same day and went to the same seminary). However, after about 9 months (my longest streak thus far!), it began again, and ever since it has been nothing but a downward spiral. I began looking at porn on my home PC and at my office as a youth pastor (on days when I was to do office hours & no kids around). Feeling bad about it, I found a reason to resign and blamed my resignation on the need to provide for my wife (as she was pregnant) and began working for a secular company. Eventually though, I began looking at pornography every where I could: at home, at work, in the seminary library (both their PCs and my laptop), in bathrooms (laptop), and even in class once (sat in the back, only one on the row, no one, not even the door behind me)! Because of the school filtering this became challenging. Somewhere along the way, I began making mistakes. I would not clear the history properly or leave my PC on a certain screen, etc. and my wife discovered it again and again. One time I remember fairly clearly…she printed a screen shot of what I was looking at and left it for me to find when I arrived home from work/school at 3am.
I sought for “help” from a variety of people (pastors, counselors, church friends, mentors) sometimes being left to hang myself and other times being the person who dropped the ball. This lasted for about 6 years (up and down and down and down). Upon graduation, I entered into my PHD program with very life few changes, if any. In my PHD program, it got better and then it only got worse. I switched jobs a few times and finally landed a Christian school teaching job. However, the deal with my wife was that as soon as I began looking at pornography I would need to resign, especially since I signed a statement that I would not drink, look at porn, etc. So the first couple months were great! However, I began to look at pornography again after a Christian high/mountain top experience sealing my fate. And it simply got worse at home. Getting ultimatum after ultimatum from my wife, who graciously stayed with me through this, I finally had a decision to make: stay in seminary (and she would leave) or leave seminary (with my wife and family). So I withdrew from seminary and moved back to my parents place thinking that this would be the best place to live. However, that was a poor choice. Since moving back, I landed a job where I have a cell phone and work at a PC with internet freedoms, both of which I have abused for inappropriate reasons. During my year on the job, if things don’t change, it will only get worse. It’s been 1 year and 3 months since the move and things have only continued to roller-coaster.
So unlike some more noble people and Christians, I was “forced” into this recovery by my wife. For a while, I was only doing what was necessary to keep my wife at bay; however, I am seeing some devastating effects of pornography on my family, my wife, me, and my performance. I need to make this recovery my own. My life still needs a massive overhaul. It will be painful and it will hurt whether it’s my pride, my feelings, etc. However, something needs to change and something new needs to happen. Because what has happened these last few days cannot continue to happen.
