NOTE: Previously I wrote a blog post, “Hardcore Accountability & Guidelines to Find the Right Accountability Partner,” where I talked about both accountability measures and accountability partner guidelines. However, I keep coming up with a more and more accountability measures, so I thought it would be best to split this blog post into two posts as they both will continue to evolve.
Do you…Need help? Need accountability? Need some direction? Need to know how to hold someone else accountable? Accountability, though a concrete action, can seem like a vague idea or thought that everyone should do but no one knows how to do. I have sat with many accountability partners only to have them, the meetings, and the relationship wane into oblivion simply because we didn’t really know how to hold one another accountable. Many men (and women) out there wish to be held accountable, but we are on our own. We are married, single, divorced, professionals, and away from the familiar. And we need accountability or we will continue to compromise our convictions and morals again and again until we don’t know who we are. Life is meant to be lived in community, not isolation. And the Christian life, especially, is meant for a community of like-minded believers (cf. Acts 2).
What is Accountability?
Accountability is simply giving an account for your actions. It is giving a record of your actions. It is necessary for any sort of change out of any addiction, especially sexual addiction, alcoholism, or even drug addiction. When a person has gone so far and so deep into their addiction so as to cause themselves relational, financial, physical, emotional, and even spiritual harm destroying relationships and trust, it becomes a vital part of their restoration on almost every level. Accountability is about bringing everything into the light or putting everything on the table. It is facing truth and reality putting structure in place so as to protect the addict from slipping or falling back into their old habits.
Accountability for Addicts
The level of accountability needed by an addict can be quite demanding; however, it can also be quite rewarding. There are various cautions one must take, but we’ll leave that for another post. If you are thinking/praying about holding an addict accountable please consider the amount of time it will take before you commit to it. What’s worse than saying, “No,” to an addict is saying, “Yes,” and not following through with your responsibilities. As an addict, he/she wants you to hold them accountable; however, whenever they are in a faulty state of mind, they can care less (though in their heart of hearts they want it more than anything else).
Before we get into the various accountability measures, let’s consider a few things. First, addicts are master liars. Therefore, expect us to lie in regards to what we are being held accountable. This is so important, maybe even more important than the issue itself. Honesty, trust, and integrity are essential for good accountability. However, just because they lie periodically, it doesn’t mean that they are not sincere. So learn, study, and know their typical mannerisms, facial expressions, and lies. Do they typically tell only partial truths, or pathological lies? Do they tell white lies or bold face lies? So do not be shocked when they lie to you. And by no means do you stop being their accountability partner when they lie to you. Create a safe environment and let them know you believe in them. Second, focus especially on Jesus Christ and the promises of the Scriptures and how they affect them emotionally. Typically, addicts love to avoid reality and emotions/feelings. The porn, the sex, the drugs, and/or the alcohol is all a cover and a tool to help them feel numb to something. Third, kill and eliminate all excuses and rationalizations. If addicts are good at anything beyond deceit and lying, they are kings of rationalizations. They are masters of logic and coming to the wrong conclusion well. As Rick Warren and others say, we must remember that rationalizations are when we rationalize that are rational lies. We are experts at deceiving ourselves and others. We deceive ourselves so well that we even begin to believe them ourselves as the Truth. And finally, never tell an addict to trust their heart. Just don’t do it. Since they already struggle with their flesh (or old self), just assume that Jeremiah 17:3 (“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it.”) applies to them.
Accountability Measures
Some of these will surprise you, even shock you. However, they are unabashedly real and extreme. They are invasive calling those who will endeavor to authenticity and transparency like they’ve probably never experienced before. Here are some extreme, strong, hardcore accountability measures for porn/sex addicts (that will work for all addicts).
- Credit card reports & all financials need to be examined weekly and monthly. If you control the family financials, bring in your spouse to see them. If they simply don’t want it, insist that you teach them how to read and understand your financial system so that they can look at any time.
- Cell phone log needs to be examined weekly and monthly.
- Text messages must be examined compared with to phone records. Send copies of text messages sent to people of the opposite sex to your spouse and/or accountability partner.
- Shutdown your Social Networking sites (e.g., MySpace, Bebo, Facebook, etc.), especially MySpace. If this isn’t part your issue, then if you have a spouse, join your Facebook account with theirs so that they have visibility into everything you do (and being their friend isn’t enough–they need to see the messages sent/received). Give your accountability partner all your logins and passwords to all your social websites (Facebook, Twitter, etc.) so that they can check them at his/her leisure or whim.
- Give your accountability partner all your logins and passwords to all your email accounts (Yahoo! Mail, Gmail, Hotmail, etc) so that they can check them at his/her leisure or whim. If you use a free email like Yahoo! Mail, upgrade so that you have no ads to deal with (yes, pay for email). I actually highly encourage the use of Yahoo! Mail Plus. You can easily switch to them for free through TrueSwitch.com. And if you used your email to hook up with anyone or for porn emails, then you definitely may need to switch emails as your Spam/Junk emails may be out of control. If you have a spouse, join email accounts with them, again so that they have full access/visibility. Gmail doesn’t have banner ads like Yahoo! Mail, Hotmail, Juno Mail, etc.; however, it does have Sponsored Links that can be just as bad.
- No access to Internet without some sort of filter. Monitoring software placed on the PC that emails reports to an accountability partner (i.e., X3 Watch**Cheapest Solution though difficult for Accountability Partners/Available for iPhones, SafeEyes**Available for iPhones, Covenant Eyes**Best for Windows Mobile Phones/Development for iPhones, bsecure**Best for PCs/Available for iPhones [Free for iPhone]). If you cannot do this because of work IT restrictions, other guidelines may be needed. Suggestions?
- Absolutely NO TV after 10pm (TV rules change after as TV is governed by the FCC from 6am-10pm [See Wikipedia: TV Regulation]). For the addict, we shouldn’t be watching shows that have heavy sexual overtones like The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Desperate Housewives, Nip Tuck, etc. Even better, sell your TV, give it away, or just put it in the garage. If you place your TV on the curb, it will magically walk away quickly, especially if you put a piece of paper on it that says FREE!
- Get rid of cable TV. Example: Jeff Fisher at PorntoPurity. He writes:
- No rated PG-13 movies that have sexual conduct, brief nudity, sensuality, or possibly even adult language. The MPAA states,
- No rated R movies without first having the movie reviewed by screenit.com (requires subscription but by far the best. Others include PluggedIn, Crosswalk, MovieGuide) or someone else informing you, your spouse, and/or your accountability partner. Or utilize the ClearPlay DVD Player (post here).
- No cash allowed. But, if you must carry cash (i.e., a server at a restaurant, etc.), provide receipts for everything. If you are a server, have someone else at the store count your money & claim 100% (as you should always do). When you leave the house, show your pockets and wallet (and whatever else you take with you) to your spouse to search for cash counting all the cash you have.
- Bring back ALL receipts, not matter what (but especially if you carry cash), offering them to your spouse (to build trust) and to your accountability partner.
- The addict needs to call/text spouse/accountability partner before/after work or errands. Picture messages (MMS) work fantastic; however, be sure to have all pictures deleted at every night so as not to send the same picture on accident or even have the possibility of being able to lie/deceive. For example, if I go to lunch with Bob at Applebee’s, I take a picture of Bob holding an Applebee’s menu sending it to whomever.
- Keep a long book of addresses, times, & odometer readings in the car. For example,
- Person and/or couple must go to intensive and/or pastoral counseling once or twice a month. For best and faster results, the couple should go individually and collectively. Read here for Questions You Should Ask Your Counselor.
- Call/text your accountability/mentor every waking hour down to 5-10 times a day (and leave voicemail if needed).
- Call someone different for each day of the week. On Monday, call Bob, Tuesday, call Sam, etc. OR, if you have a larger support system, have one (or more) person(s) call you each day.
- Consider something you love and give it to your accountability partner as a consequence (i.e., a guy I know loves his X-Box and gives it up [for a pre-determined period of time] any time he does fall, don’t do a predetermined amount of money though).
- Use Google Latitude ( http://www.google.com/latitude/intro.html ) to have people (spouse/accountability partner) know your location at all times (will need a Google Account for this).
- Though possibly not really an accountability measure, separation may help–if done correctly! One good plan is 30 days of no contact with intensive individual counseling (same counselor) followed by 30 days of joint counseling while maintaining intensive individual counseling. Followed by an evaluation to decide whether to extend the separation or move back in together. The 30 day period can be whatever predisposed time period you and your spouse decide.
- Create a list of questions (of at least 5) that must be asked to one another at least once a week in person, face to face borrowing any unforeseen circumstances. Once this list has been created, ask the question: “What’s one question that you do not want me to ask you that I should?” Then add the question, “Have you lied to me?”
- Absolutely NO business traveling. However, if you must travel, then you need to set some hotel guidelines. To book your hotels, use CleanHotels.com, which is a Priceline affiliated booking site that helps travelers find a place to rest their head in a room without X-rated pay-per-view movies (source here).
Also, since there is a no TV policy, have the manager or the maintenance group remove your TV before your arrival. Every hotel that I’ve stayed at thinks this is weird and some have refused. Marriott sometimes couldn’t remove the TV but they removed the cable cords. Furthermore, have them email your spouse or accountability partner identifying who they are with contact information and what has been done to ensure that you cannot watch TV. - Spiritual/Emotional spotting where you MUST show your journal to your accountability/mentor. For Christians, this needs to include notes about your prayer times, daily Scripture reading, etc. If necessary buy a Spiritual Life Notebook.
- If you are a Christian, share the gospel with one person a week reporting back to your accountability partner. Yes! That’s right! I said it. Philemon 6 states, “I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ” (NIV). While the meaning of this verse is debated, suffice it to say that sharing your faith with believers and/or nonbelievers will teach you about who you are in Christ and “every good thing we have in Christ.” This is extremely tough because you may think that you are not qualified to share the gospel. Well, anyone who is a Christian is qualified. Share as one who is walking the journey with your issues and all…authentic and transparent. Yes, you have your issues and tell them that. If they ask, tell your story to whatever extent you are comfortable. Share your testimony in progress. Share your hope in Jesus Christ.
- If you are a Christian, of course you need to be reading the Bible and praying, and start here: 5 minutes reading (start in Mark, then John, then 1-2 Corinthians, Romans, Matthew, Epheisans-Philemon, Luke, Acts, Hebrews-Revelation and read through OT) & 5 minutes praying which includes a prayer that the Lord will keep you from evil (If you don’t know what to pray, start with the Lord’s Prayer, Matt 6:9-13, or with the Scripture that you read for the day).
- If you are a Christian, memorize Scripture! The more the merrier. Not only memorize it but journal on it. Meditate on it. Think about it. Talk to people about the verse all week. (Here’s a Starting Scripture Memory List that have some that I still need to memorize myself, or try Navigator’s Topical Memory System.)
- Exercise at least once a week for 1-2 hours. This could be playing basketball, football, volleyball, Ultimate Frisbee, golf, run, etc. Also, if possible, do not do this alone for you also need some accountability with this as well. Join a recreational league or church league or city league. Invite your spouse or your accountability partner to join you. The less you exercise, the more important this is.
- Person must go to a live-in recovery program. For me, this is a last resort/recourse.
Our family’s decision to get cable TV was one of the worst we ever made. …My uncle lived in San Diego. My dad and mom decided that a trip to California would be good. We could take in DisneyLand, Hollywood, Sea World, and try to get into a game show or a TV taping. My brother and I were ecstatic!
About this time, my brother and I were bugging my parents for Cable TV. Our friends had HBO, MTV, WTBS, & NICKELODEON and we wanted to get them as well. So my parents brought an interesting offer on the table: We can go to California or we can get cable.
…That was 25 years ago for me. I had no idea that cable programming and movies would warm me up to the world of masturbation, fantasy, and eventually porn. My parents could have given some more guidelines and restrictions on the TV, sure. But I can’t blame them for the decisions and clicks that I would later choose.
A PG-13 motion picture may go beyond the PG rating in theme, violence, nudity, sensuality, language, adult activities or other elements, but does not reach the restricted R category. The theme of the motion picture by itself will not result in a rating greater than PG-13, although depictions of activities related to a mature theme may result in a restricted rating for the motion picture…More than brief nudity will require at least a PG-13 rating, but such nudity in a PG-13 rated motion picture generally will not be sexually oriented. There may be depictions of violence in a PG-13 movie, but generally not both realistic and extreme or persistent violence. A motion picture’s single use of one of the harsher sexually-derived words, though only as an expletive, initially requires at least a PG-13 rating. More than one such expletive requires an R rating, as must even one of those words used in a sexual context. The Rating Board nevertheless may rate such a motion picture PG-13 if, based on a special vote by a two-thirds majority, the Raters feel that most American parents would believe that a PG-13 rating is appropriate because of the context or manner in which the words are used or because the use of those words in the motion picture is inconspicuous.
Notice that last statement. It is a catchall statement that allows the MPAA to push the envelope if they so choose based on a majority vote of “most Americans.” Porn/Sex addicts are not most Americans and we should not allow ourselves to be held to the same low standards. The point behind this is “Garbage in, garbage out,” and the battle starts in the mind and for most guys with the eyes.
12/1/20xx, Left MY HOUSE, 5:15p, 73,564 miles
Arrived Church (123 ABC Rd, City/State-if necessary) 5:23p, 73,569 miles.
Left Church 8:34p, 73,569
Arrived HOME, 8:42p, 73,574 miles
12/2/20xx, MY HOUSE, 7:15a, 73,574 miles
Work (123 XYZ Rd, City/State-if necessary) 7:30, 73,584 miles.
While this may never be looked at, the one time it may “take you too long to get back from Wal-Mart,” you can show them mileage and compare on Google Maps or Yahoo Maps.
For guidelines about how to find the right accountability partner, see my post, “Guidelines to Find the Right Accountability Partner.”. However, in short, your accountability partner should be someone you trust of the SAME gender (only possible exceptions is someone struggling with same sex addiction) who is at the same stage or further along than you with the same or similar struggle.
Can you think of any other hardcore or extreme accountability measures on should take?
