NOTE: Previously I wrote a blog post, “Hardcore Accountability & Guidelines to Find the Right Accountability Partner,” where I talked about both accountability measures and accountability partner guidelines. However, I keep coming up with a more and more accountability measures, so I thought it would be best to split this blog post into two posts as they both will continue to evolve.
Jeff has restored my idea of accountability; however, finding the right person can be quite difficult. Here are some suggestions in finding the right person.
- Must be of same gender. (see above)
- Must be someone you trust. Even this is not a guarantee that you will not have the door shut on you.
- Try to pick someone who is at your stage or further along than you (though this is not always possible).
- Pick someone you like. There is “nothing worse” than meeting with someone you don’t like.
- Pick someone with the same or similar struggle. While addiction is addiction, it is easier to relate to another porn addict than it is to an alcoholic or a drug addict. However, that is not to say that we cannot learn from a recovered alcoholic or drug addict. It’s just different in many different ways.
John Baker makes these suggestions in his book Life’s Healing Choices::
- Does he or she have a growing relationship with Jesus Christ? Do you see the character of Christ developing in this person?
- Does this person’s walk and talk match? Some Christians can quote the Bible, chapter and verse, but their lifestyle does not match their talk. Be certain that the person you choose to share your journey with is someone whose life is worthy of imitation.
- Is he or she a good listener? Do you sense that this person honestly cares about what you have to say?
- Does he or she show compassion, concern, and hope, but not pity? You don’t need someone to feel sorry for you, but you do need someone who can be sensitive to your pain.
- Is this person strong enough to confront your denial or procrastination? Does he or she care enough about you and your progress to challenge you? There is a difference between helping others and trying to fix others. You need to be careful to guard the relationship from becoming unhealthy or codependent.
- Does he or she offer suggestions? Sometimes we need help in seeing options or alternatives that we are unable to find on our own.
- Can this person share his or her own past and current struggles with you? Is this person willing to open up and be vulnerable and transparent with you?
Celebrate Recovery and other 12-step groups make a major distinction between having an accountability partner and a sponsor. Celebrate Recovery states that there should be prerequisites for accountability partners. They are:
- Actively attending Celebrate Recovery meetings.
- Sharing a similar area of recovery.
- Must be same sex.
- Developing deeper relationship with Christ.
- Demonstrating growth in their recovery.
They also state that there are prerequisites for sponsors. They are:
- Completed CR Step Study Group / Completed the 12 Steps.
- One continuous year of sobriety / abstinence.
- Actively attending Celebrate Recovery meetings.
- Have their own Sponsor and Accountability Team.
- Must be same sex as Sponsee.
Here is a comparison chart of Accountability Partners and Sponsors (by CR).
| Accountability Partners | Sponsors |
| Attend Large Group and Open Share Group together. | Coaches you through the 8 Principles/12 Steps; Participant’s Guide. |
| Join and attend Step Study Group together. | Available in time of crisis or potential relapse. |
| Get involved in Celebrate Recovery Service together. | Serves as a sounding board by providing objective point of view. |
| Holds you accountable for same area of recovery and issues. | Discuss issues in detail too personal for meeting time. (Listens to 5th Step) |
| Call each other daily. | Give recovery related assignments. |
| Encourage each others’ program. | Requires meeting attendance. |
| Help motivate each other. | Requires check-in calls. |
| Are at the same place (steps, sobriety time) in their recoveries. | Has at least 1 year continuous sobriety and has completed the 12 Steps. |
| Includes at least 3 or 4 people. | Same area of recovery and gender. |
| Pray for each other. | Shares experience strength and hope.** |
| Attends BBQ together and Solid Rock Cafe. | Will confront denial and procrastination. |
**Sadly, the Celebrate Recovery material doesn’t say that the sponsor will pray for the Sponsoree (<-Is that a word?).
One thing I do like about the CR material is that it says, “A sponsor is like having a personal weight/exercise trainer. An Accountability Partner is someone you go with to the gym.”
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