by @purifyinggrace on September 3, 2010
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So I have been in recovery since 2010, and if I wanted, I probably could push this date back even further to about 2008 when I left seminary to come home for help or even 2004 when I first began to reach out to various counselors and church leaders. And if I really wanted to deceive myself, I could push it back to around 2000 when I was dealing with my porn problem with the Dean of Men at my Christian Bible College. However, the fact is that I have only been in recovery since 2010. The rest of it was me standing divided wanting to be free but also wanting pornography. However, I never wanted to be free so badly that I would forsake my high place.
So what happened? I don’t know. I really don’t. Something happened. When I trace back, all I can see that could mark the beginnings was a counseling appointment that I went to with my wife. She is in a group therapy and has to meet with her counselor periodically and this meeting was the 2nd time we met as a couple. So it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary though I was convinced that this session was going to be a beat down on me. Nervous. Cautious. I went anyways with a good heart.
I don’t really remember the meeting. I don’t recall any profound statement. My only takeaway was that I was doing nothing to make recompense to my wife for everything that I have done andthat I needed to do work aroundthat. So whenever I offend my wife doing whatever whether porn or something else, it was up to me to do the work of reconciliation and investigation. Simply, it was up to me to restore the relationship whereas in the past my wife would over-function and do all the work for herself and for me.
Then I went to Bethesda Workshops and had a challenging, exhausting, reviving, and exciting weekend of recovery. I remember the first day quite well, and we did what they called Continuums where there was a line that went from wall to wall in the room and they asked several questions about where you were in your recovery. I remember being extremely honest standing in the middle for my waivering or 3/4 positive. Later, another guy who I thought wasn’t going to make it revealed to me that he thought I wasn’t going to make it! How ironic.
Having returned from Bethesda, things continue to come together in my head faster than I can process, faster than I can record. I don’t know what it is except that I am doing the work whatever that is at the time. While I haven’t began the 12 step process within SAA or SA yet, I am doing lots of work at Bethesda, at group therapy, and within Carnes’s Facing the Shadow, a book that I cannot recommend enough!!
So simply, I just now have committed myself to good, solid recovery. Nervous. Cautious. Yet moving forward…
by @purifyinggrace on September 2, 2010
I was recently at a workshop where they were giving a ton of statistics. While I wasn’t able to write them all down and everything, I got the emphasis of the statistics. According to Patrick Carnes’s research, someone basically has a 90%1 chance of a full, long-lasting recovery if the following elements are in place:
- A minimum of three 12 step meetings (S.A., S.A.A., S.L.A.A., R.C.A., S.C.A., S.R.A.) with Celebrate Recovery that has a purity group (or Samson Society, or Pure Desire Group or Faithful & True Groups) being a 4th meeting for a minimum of 2 years. However, mere attendance does not count. For this to count, the person must be meeting with a sponsor weekly (sometimes contacting them daily) with daily phone calls to others in the group. If in Celebrate Recovery this would mean doing a Step Study Group on top of the weekly meetings.
- Weekly meetings with a CSAT or some other certified addictions therapist for a minimum of 2 years. Typically this means digging into your own life further from insights gained from (1) group therapy, (2) group therapy assignments, (3) going through the 12 steps (including the 12 step meetings), and (4) life as it happens while on the journey of recovery. Find a therapist here.
- Weekly group therapy meetings for a minimum of 2 years. This typically combined with the weekly therapy group as it is usually a bad idea to have two therapists (one for therapy and one for individual), and typically the group will go through a book either Laaser’s L.I.F.E. workbook or Carnes’s Facing the Shadow workbook (there are others out there but these are the two Sexual Addiction leaders).
So, typically, this means about 10 hours of work per week that needs to be done, and I am discovering this is the bare minimum. As I am creating my recovery plan, I notice that for men there are other elements that must be included such as exercise/working out (30 minutes a day), spiritual disciplines (30-60 minutes/day), and adequate sleeping patterns (7-8 hours/day). So in essence it is a complete life change and transition. My wife and I were chatting about this the other day, and she said to me (referring to something that her therapist said when her therapist equated much of their recovery plan with the spiritual disciplines) that if we observe people we admire, we will notice that those who are healthy already do much of the 12 steps in the form of spiritual disciplines.
So, when a therapist or counselor repeats what Patrick Carnes says about sexual addiction recovery that it is “a 3-5 year process,” don’t be surprised and don’t change therapists as you may be tempted to do. Seriously, they are not looking to make a long term financial making plan with us. Instead, this type of honesty is essential and if they wanted to make money with us addicts they wouldn’t tell us. Then this would create repeat customers (per se) for a much longer period of time.
While at Bethesda Workshops, I heard two really profound yet simple stories. One was in response to a question similar to “Why does it take so long?” The therapist simply said, “How long did it take for you to get where you are?” And then he continued, “Recovery won’t take as long as it should or as long as it took for you to get where you are, but it will be longer than you expect.” The second one is also just as profound in our microwave, quick fix it society. The guy went into see his CSAT therapist regarding his sex addiction. He sat down and began to tell how his sex addiction began. Then the therapist asked, “Tell me about your dad.” The addict confused yet persistent replied with more of his sex addiction beginnings. Then the therapist having listened, asked, “Tell me about your dad.” Then the addict frustrated continued to discuss his sex addiction in present times. Then the therapist having listened, asked, “Tell me about your dad.” Then the addict becoming angry and thinking that he is wasting his time began describing his current consequences. Then the therapist having listened, asked, “Tell me about your dad.” Then the addict extremely frustrated and angry demanded that they talk about his sex addiction. And the therapist said, “We are. What is it that you want?” Then the addict began describing his despair in such sorrow. Then the therapist having listened, asked, “Tell me about your dad.” Finally in exasperation, the addict said angrily, “No! I am here to talk about my sex addiction—not my dad!” The therapist said, “What do you think I am trying to do? You want to talk about the behavior, and I am trying to talk about your addiction.” Full sex addiction therapy will investigate family of origin issues, trauma/impactful life events, and one’s belief system and thinking—not just the behavior.
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1. I am still trying to validate this statistic. However, I was able to validate something of the reverse. Carnes unofficially reported that people that went through treatment at the meadows and who were successfully following their aftercare plan, relapse rate was only 3 percent!
by @purifyinggrace on August 31, 2010
