Today I saw another good post by Porn to Purity, as I was writing a comment, I kept writing. So instead of posting a comment there, I thought I would make a small posting here.

1 Corinthians 7:5 states, “Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.” There are three things to consider about this verse.

First, women (and men for that matter) should not deprive their spouses of sex, except by agreement, even in anger, resentment, etc. This is a terribly difficult road; however, it is essential because, “the wife does not have authority over her body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” (1 Cor 7:4). Simply, consider the interest of your spouse (cf. Phil 2:4). So there must be agreement. There must be a conversation where the husband and wife are honest about their feelings regarding sex. For the addict, it is important even vital in every respect. However, abstinence promises some great rewards including the porn addict being able to prove that he does has some semblance of self-control and maturity (ability to put off immediate gratification for future gain), and the spouse having the time, the space, the lack of pressure (to perform or to fulfill her duties?) in order to begin her own personal healing.

Second, the purpose of this “withdrawal” is not revenge or anything but devoting “yourselves” to personal, and corporate (corporate in the sense of husband/wife together), prayer. It is about drawing oneself to God and thus to each other. Think of a triangle. Husband is at the bottom right and the wife is at the bottom left and God is at the top. As the husband seeks God, he moves towards God. As the wife seeks God, she moves towards God. Each step draws the two closer together for that bottom line (representing the husband/wife relationship) gets smaller and smaller.

Third, this is not a permanent condition. It is temporary. The Apostle Paul wrote, “and come together.” So don’t worry about it (staying that way), and don’t be afraid of it (changing back to sex). It would be very tempting to think, “This is great! I wish it could always stay like this.” As great as it may be, it is not God’s best for a couple. It can be greater and better as hard as that sounds. And the reason for this is that “Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” It is interesting to note that Paul encourages singlehood (<-Is that a word) or singleness (1 Cor 7:6-7). He concedes to marriage because of lack of self-control (1 Cor 7:6, 9) in regards to sexual relations. That being said, after the husband and wife abstain from sex or any sexual activity, they should come back together by agreement. And it is typically best to come to these terms before setting on the course of sexual abstinence (since in the heat of any moment, anything can make sense!). After this period, the sexual addict has demonstrated themselves as less selfish and more mature. They have demonstrated that they have a greater concern for at least their wives and family along with a wide variety of other motivations. So knowing that they are less selfish than before, they will be more apt to considering her needs and wants and not just their own. So marital sexual abstinence needs a plan from the start that includes its purpose, reasons, and length.

Both Mark Laaser and Patrick Carnes (who taught Laaser) believe that it is essential for a sex or porn addict to be abstinent for a period of 90 days! Ninety! Wow! That’s a long time! 3 months!

This serves at least three purposes:

1. It helps rewire the brain as it has become accustomed and even dependent upon certain cocktail parties from stimulation, etc.
2. It teaches the sex addict that sex/porn is not the most important thing in a relationship.
3. It begins to heal the relationship between a husband and wife as she has time to heal, to breath, etc.

However, there is no promise that this will be easy! Have you ever gone for more than 40 days without sex by agreement in a marriage? If so, how was it? Are you thinking about talking to your spouse about going abstinent for a period? If so, what are your fears? What are your motivations?