Deacon Ralph at the Catholic theporneffect.com, posted this awesome imaged statistics that I wanted to repost. Check it out!
My Therapy Homework
April 29, 2010 By View Comments
Ok, for the majority of my life I have been in school. It was only recently that I stopped going to school; however, even now, I still maintain a school-type mindset for some reason…maybe it’s what I know and it’s what I’ve done well. Anyways, I am one of those people who is interested in almost anything…almost. While my wife has a much broader experience and is more “well-rounded” than me and definitely more cultured than I am, I believe I have a lot of things that I am interested in. Yet, nothing really peaks my interest long…eventually I get bored and move on.
I say this because this is how I am now feeling about my recovery book
, Facing the Shadow. So instead of doing my homework over the entire week to get ready for my therapist group like any good student or good time manager, I wait until the day before, the night before to do the work (which is actually a pattern of mine from college and seminary as well). This allows for such deep reflective thought! Right!? No. So now, I am frustrated. I am frustrated that I procrastinated yet again. I am frustrated that I couldn’t just check out of my family duties to do my work. I am frustrated that the work that I did do is not deep enough or reflective enough embarrassed to share what I have done. I am frustrated that I am demonstrating (I really first wanted to say “appearing” but changed it) that I really don’t have my recovery as high a priority as it should…and my wife sees this (though she has been more than gracious by not saying anything negative!).
Anyways, for my homework, I was supposed to go through the chapter (really only the first part of the chapter) and fill in my addictive cycle and a list of unmanageable moments. While I wouldn’t mind sharing my addictive cycle, I am only going to speak in generalities simply because it may cause someone else to stumble, which is something I want to avoid (almost at all cost). So, my preoccupation stage typically occurs when I visit certain “safe” (non-explicit websites), I have a more difficult time (i.e, I begin obsessing or become preoccupied) due to how I’ve used it in the past or the content on their site. However, like some of you, there are more triggers (billboards, commericials, sounds, etc.) other than these certain websites that may hurl me into this stage. My ritualization is me getting as close to the fire as I can without burning myself. However, this almost always leads me down a path where I am simply burned to a crisp…then it’s too late! However, it was probably too late when I began walking down the path of my rituals. This then leads to my sexual compulsivity (or my acting out), which usually entails looking at pornography on a variety of “safe” sites. While this does typically lead to some release and some pleasure, it has now turned into something almost entirely unpleasurable, even angst. In the most recent past, even as I am in my ritual or sexual compulsivity, I am thinking about getting caught, about why I am doing this yet again, about the time and resources (my personal energy) that I am wasting, about needing to tell my wife and my peers. So even in the sexual compulsivity stage, I have already entered into the despair stage.
The other task that I was supposed to accomplish was to create a list of unmanageable moments (i.e., moments where I said I would never do this again). This proved a little more difficult than I originally suspected (maybe it’s because I am tired and I am writing this extremely late). However, I do have a list of unmanageable moments. Probably the biggest moment for me was with a story that I shared previously. In short, I went “across” the country with my wife to visit her family, and I returned early because I had to be back at work. However, my flight was in another city (approx 4 hrs away) near where my college roommate and his wife lived at the time (approx 1-1.5 hrs away & out of the way between the two cities). So the plan was to arrive back, drive to and stay with my college roommate for the day and night, and then head back home the next day. Instead, I drive to their house, stand outside their door peering inside watching them paint, and left. I went to a nearby Sam’s Club, bought a pay phone card (not sure why I did this now since I had a cell phone), called my wife from a nearby pay phone saying that I was at their house (bald-face lie!), and then left for home knowing and planning on stopping at an adult bookstore. At the bookstore, I purchased some videos which I watch for two days and disposed of by crushing, cracking, throwing against the trash chute shattering into even more pieces as it fell 9 stories…in a sea of repentance, which didn’t last very long.
What unmanageable moments have you had? When have you come to the end and said “I won’t do this again!” regardless of whether you did not do it again or not (which is my case)?
A Pornography Addict’s Anchor in the Midst of Enticement: A Story
April 19, 2010 By View Comments
In the Odyssey, he Greek hero Odysseus (or Ulysses, as he was known in Roman myths), Circe warns Odysseus regarding his trip. She says:
First you will come to the Sirens who enchant all who come near them. If any one unwarily draws in too close and hears the singing of the Sirens, his wife and children will never welcome him home again, for they sit in a green field and warble him to death with the sweetness of their song. There is a great heap of dead men’s bones lying all around, with the flesh still rotting off them. Therefore pass these Sirens by, and stop your men’s ears with wax that none of them may hear; but if you like you can listen yourself, for you may get the men to bind you as you stand upright on a cross-piece half way up the mast, and they must lash the rope’s ends to the mast itself, that you may have the pleasure of listening. If you beg and pray the men to unloose you, then they must bind you faster.
So Odysseus recounts this prophecy to his men, and they quickly reached the island of the Sirens for the wind blew favorably for them. However, it quickly calmed and the men went rowing. So Odysseus took a wheel of wax, cut it, kneaded it with the help of the sun, and plugged his men’s ears with it. They in turn tied Odysseus to the mast as he stood upright on the crosspiece. Upon coming within earshot, the Sirens started singing. Odysseus continues:
“‘Come here,’ they sang, ‘renowned Ulysses, honour to the Achaean name, and listen to our two voices. No one ever sailed past us without staying to hear the enchanting sweetness of our song- and he who listens will go on his way not only charmed, but wiser, for we know all the ills that the gods laid upon the Argives and Trojans before Troy, and can tell you everything that is going to happen over the whole world.’
“They sang these words most musically, and as I longed to hear them further I made by frowning to my men that they should set me free; but they quickened their stroke, and Eurylochus and Perimedes bound me with still stronger bonds till we had got out of hearing of the Sirens’ voices. Then my men took the wax from their ears and unbound me.” (Source)
And so it is also with pornography addiction. As Patrick Carnes states, “Addiction rests in delusion, denial and deception.” A friend of mine has a question that he loves to ask people, “How do you know that you are deceived?” Or, “How do people know that they are deceived?” The answer is simple, but think about it. How do we know if we have been deceived? Simply without some sort of help, we don’t. We don’t. We don’t have the slightest clue without something external to me whether that be a friend, a book, the Bible, or the Holy Spirit. Likewise, we don’t know if we have been disillusioned or deceived. Frankly, we don’t even know if we are in denial until some sort of crisis. And often and typically, if not always, the crisis is external to ourselves.
Yet, with all addictions, there is that voice that everyone hears that calls us back to our sin. Just as Israel kept wanting to return to Egypt, likewise an addict sometimes has in his/her mind that he/she wants to return back to Egypt. As the saying goes, “Better the devil I know than the one that I don’t.” However, addicts hear those voices as though those voices have the power and the pull of the Sirens, where, if we are not tied down to something, we will do everything we can to go there, even though we may not want to return. Patrick Carnes calls this the “Sweet Voice of Escape” from Paul Jefferson’s song where he sang, “Addiction is like the sweet voice of escape.” This internal conflict and contradiction is typical of us addicts.
So as I think through this story, there are three important things to consider.
- What are some things that I have been warned about that if I do or come close to doing, it’s already a lost cause, just as though Ulysses approached the Sirens without being tied down?
- A second thing is that pornography does offer something.
- Who do I have that will inform me of possible future traps, just as Odysseus had Circe?
What are some things that I have been warned about that if I do or come close to doing, it’s already a lost cause, just as though Ulysses approached the Sirens without being tied down? One thing that my wife and I have talked about is my looking at pictures on the internet as part of my job. Periodically, in creating something for work, I’ll go to the internet to pull Creative Commons pictures of a wide variety of things. However, when I do this, there is always the possibility of seeing something that will cause me to stumble for I can only control the words I type, not the results. And people are crafty and will post inappropriate pictures with the wrong safe-guard level tagging on purpose. So this is one thing that if I do without some immediate support (e.g., doing these type of searches with my wife, etc.), then I will be sucked in and will fall victim (though a victim may not be the best word as it was spawned by a poor choice) to the “Sirens” of sorts.
A second thing is that pornography does offer something. It is not something that is completely and utterly empty. There is something there. There is some sort of pull. Pornography promises the ultimate and best fix. Pornography promises control, power, and acceptance. Just as the Sirens promised knowledge, charm, wisdom, even divine knowledge and wisdom, likewise, pornography promises similar knowledge, charm, and wisdom, even divine knowledge and wisdom. For with the pornography addict, we control the destinies of what they are watching or seeing. We see things that only God should see. We are privy to intimate things. However, it is only a show. It is false. It is empty. It is vain. And eventually we learn that pornography, like other addictions, fail the fantasy, the promises.
So, as an addict, I need people around me. I need friends that will tie me down. I need advisers that will inform me of possible future traps, just as Odysseus had Circe. These people are people in my life that understand the addiction, that will call me to the rug, that will love me enough to speak truth in my life. These are people who will drop everything they are doing to help you. These are people who are committed to my success at overcoming this problem. For me, these are my friends from my therapy group, 12 step groups, old friends, and my wife. However, I must do my part as well. As much as I’d like to blame some of these guys for some of my failings, I cannot. I must do my part and call them when I need them. And I must also do my part and have more than one person to depend because having only one person to depend on is setting myself up for failure. Yet, while this process can take a long time, it doesn’t have to take that long. However, I must have these people in my life, because as an addict, I do not look ahead that often. So I need those people around me often. I need these people around me deep enough to really know me (something I struggle with greatly).
The Stockdale Paradox and Pornography Addiction
April 14, 2010 By View Comments
What is the Stockdale Paradox? The Stockdale Paradox is best described in Jim Collins’s book Good to Great. In it, he writes (83-87): The Stockdale Paradox is named after…
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Admiral Jim Stockdale who was the highest
ranking US military officer in the “Hanoi Hilton” prison-of-war camp during the height of the Vietnam War. Tortured over twenty times during his eight-year imprisonment from 1965-1973, Stockdale lived out the war without any prisoner’s rights, no set release date, certainty as to whether he would even survive to see his family again. He shouldered the burden of command, doing everything he could to create the conditions that would increase the number of prisoners who would survive unbroken, while fighting an internal war against his captors and their attempts to use the prisoners for propaganda…[In Collins' preparation of meeting with Stockdale, he read In Love and War]
As I moved through the book, I found myself getting depressed. It just seemed so bleak–the uncertainty of his fate, the brutality of his captors and so forth. And then it dawned on me: “Here I am sitting in my warm and comfortable office, looking out over the beautiful Stanford campus on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. I’m getting depressed reading this, and I know the end of the story! I know that he gets out, reunites with his family, becomes a national hero, and gets to spend the later years of his life studying philosophy on the same beautiful campus. If it feels depressing for me, how on earth did he deal with it when he was actually there and did not know the end of the story?”
“I never lost faith in the end of the story,” he said when I asked him, “I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade.”
I didn’t say anything for many minutes, and we continued the slow walk toward the faculty club, Stockdale limping and arc-swinging his stiff lef that enever fully recovered from repeated torture. Finally after about a hundred meters of silence, I asked, “Who didn’t make it out?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” he said, “The optimists.”
“The optimists? I don’t understand,” I said, now completely confused, given what he’d said a hundred meters earlier.
“The optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said ‘we’re going to be out by Christmas’. And, Christmas would come and Christmas would go. Then they’d say, ‘We’re going to be out by Easter.’ And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. Then they died of a broken heart.”
Another long pause, and more walking. Then he turned to me and said, “This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end – which you can never afford to lose – with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”
That conversation with Admiral Stockdale stayed with me, and in fact had a profound influence on my own development. Life is unfair–sometimes to our advantage, sometimes to our disadvantage. We will all experience disappointments and crushing events somewhere along the way, setbacks…What separates people, Stockdale taught me, is not the presence or absence of difficulty, but how they deal with the inevitable difficulties of life.
The Stockdale Paradox simply is maintaining unwavering faith that you can and will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties, AND at the same time have the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they may be.
And so it is with recovery. We must do two things:
- Maintain hope and unwavering faith that I can and I will prevail in the end, and
- Confront the brutal facts and effects of my current reality.
Hope. Reality. In my own recovery, it is extremely difficult for me to do both. Typically in the past, I either have one or the other, but primarily one and that being a naive, faint hope. I have only been an Optimist, as Stockdale put it, and I have died again and again and again. I am not surviving whatsoever. I tend to shy away from confronting the “brutal facts” of my current reality. And that’s what they are: brutal. My reality is often exposed by my wife at times I don’t find convenient…then again, no time is convenient! Basically, I don’t want to face my reality. I don’t really want to face them for when I do, I am not sure if I can handle it. Living in the world of ignorance, denial, and un-reality is bliss, but only bliss for me in a very limited sense. It is anything but bliss and serenity for my family. Instead my selfish bliss becomes a raging storm for those around me. And I sit in the midst of the storm believing that I am not getting wet and that it will not have any affect on me whatsoever.
As the Calvin (little boy) and Hobbes (tiger) comic goes, Calvin says something like, “If I see/hear something I don’t like, I think I’m going to ignore it.” And Hobbes says, “Don’t you think that’s kind of irresponsible.” And Calvin says, “Wow, isn’t it a nice day?”
That is me in a comic strip. I ignore things I don’t like instead of confronting them and facing them head on. I am the big pink elephant in the room, and I am perfectly happy so as long as no one talks about me, talks to me about me, or brings a mirror in the room.
Scot Peck, in the Road Less Traveled, says:
We must always hold truth, as best we can determine it, to be more important, more vital to our self-interest, than our comfort. Conversely, we must always consider our personal discomfort relatively unimportant and, indeed, even welcome it in the service of the search for truth. Mental health is the on-going process of dedication to reality at all costs.
This is extremely difficult. As an addict, I have lied again and again, over and over, to myself, to my wife, to all my friends, and on and on. I have lived a lie masquerading as something that I am not really putting my family in situations where they must also masquerade in order to “protect” me. So to face this truth will be extremely difficult; however, it is one that I must do.
John 8:32 says, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” For so long I wanted to be free without knowing the truth, without anyone else knowing the truth, and if I could help it, without God knowing the truth. And part of knowing the truth is obeying Jesus Christ, for John 8:31 says, “If you continue to follow my teaching, you are really my disciples.” This is consistent with much of 1 John which speaks about abiding in Christ and obeying Jesus’ commands. However, for me, the truth is that I haven’t been following Jesus’ teachings in regards to sexual immorality. The truth is that I haven’t been obeying Jesus Christ with my tongue, lying constantly and rather consistently. The truth, my reality is that I have created a wake that is ugly, devastating and brutal for all parties involved.
The truth and my true reality is not gray regardless how gray I would like things to be. Instead, the truth is black and white for that is the nature of truth. My reality is not gray. It is black and white. My pornography addiction has created a gray environment where something that should be seen as sin (as black) is seen as gray or not so bad because of my rationalizations and failed moral compass (if I can even say that I have one).
Biblical Marital Abstinence: Abstaining from Sex in Marriage
January 27, 2010 By View Comments
Today I saw another good post by Porn to Purity, as I was writing a comment, I kept writing. So instead of posting a comment there, I thought I would make a small posting here.
1 Corinthians 7:5 states, “Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.” There are three things to consider about this verse.
First, women (and men for that matter) 
should not deprive their spouses of sex, except by agreement, even in anger, resentment, etc. This is a terribly difficult road; however, it is essential because, “the wife does not have authority over her body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” (1 Cor 7:4). Simply, consider the interest of your spouse (cf. Phil 2:4). So there must be agreement. There must be a conversation where the husband and wife are honest about their feelings regarding sex. For the addict, it is important even vital in every respect. However, abstinence promises some great rewards including the porn addict being able to prove that he does has some semblance of self-control and maturity (ability to put off immediate gratification for future gain), and the spouse having the time, the space, the lack of pressure (to perform or to fulfill her duties?) in order to begin her own personal healing.
Second, the purpose of this “withdrawal” is not revenge or anything but devoting
“yourselves” to personal, and corporate (corporate in the sense of husband/wife together), prayer. It is about drawing oneself to God and thus to each other. Think of a triangle. Husband is at the bottom right and the wife is at the bottom left and God is at the top. As the husband seeks God, he moves towards God. As the wife seeks God, she moves towards God. Each step draws the two closer together for that bottom line (representing the husband/wife relationship) gets smaller and smaller.
Third, this is not a permanent condition. It is temporary. The Apostle Paul wrote, “and come together.” So don’t worry about it (staying that way), and don’t be afraid of it (changing back to sex). It would be very tempting to think, “This is great! I wish it could always stay like this.” As great as it may be, it is not God’s best for a couple. It can be greater and better as hard as that sounds. And the reason for this is that “Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” It is interesting to note that Paul encourages singlehood (<-Is that a word) or singleness (1 Cor 7:6-7). He concedes to marriage because of lack of self-control (1 Cor 7:6, 9) in regards to sexual relations. That being said, after the husband and wife abstain from sex or any sexual activity, they should come back together by agreement. And it is typically best to come to these terms before setting on the course of sexual abstinence (since in the heat of any moment, anything can make sense!). After this period, the sexual addict has demonstrated themselves as less selfish and more mature. They have demonstrated that they have a greater concern for at least their wives and family along with a wide variety of other motivations. So knowing that they are less selfish than before, they will be more apt to considering her needs and wants and not just their own. So marital sexual abstinence needs a plan from the start that includes its purpose, reasons, and length.
Both Mark Laaser and Patrick Carnes (who taught Laaser) believe that it is essential for a sex or porn addict to be abstinent for a period of 90 days! Ninety! Wow! That’s a long time! 3 months!
This serves at least three purposes:
- It helps rewire the brain as it has become accustomed and even dependent upon certain cocktail parties from stimulation, etc.
- It teaches the sex addict that sex/porn is not the most important thing in a relationship.
- It begins to heal the relationship between a husband and wife as she has time to heal, to breath, etc.
However, there is no promise that this will be easy! Have you ever gone for more than 40 days without sex by agreement in a marriage? If so, how was it? Are you thinking about talking to your spouse about going abstinent for a period? If so, what are your fears? What are your motivations?
Strong Accountability Measures For Pornography (and All?) Addicts
January 9, 2010 By View Comments
NOTE: Previously I wrote a blog post, “Hardcore Accountability & Guidelines to Find the Right Accountability Partner,” where I talked about both accountability measures and accountability partner guidelines. However, I keep coming up with a more and more accountability measures, so I thought it would be best to split this blog post into two posts as they both will continue to evolve.
Do you…Need help? Need accountability? Need some direction? Need to know how to hold someone else accountable? Accountability, though a concrete action, can seem like a vague idea or thought that everyone should do but no one knows how to do. I have sat with many accountability partners only to have them, the meetings, and the relationship wane into oblivion simply because we didn’t really know how to hold one another accountable. Many men (and women) out there wish to be held accountable, but we are on our own. We are married, single, divorced, professionals, and away from the familiar. And we need accountability or we will continue to compromise our convictions and morals again and again until we don’t know who we are. Life is meant to be lived in community, not isolation. And the Christian life, especially, is meant for a community of like-minded believers (cf. Acts 2).
What is Accountability?
Accountability is simply giving an account for your actions. It is giving a record of your actions. It is necessary for any sort of change out of any addiction, especially sexual addiction, alcoholism, or even drug addiction. When a person has gone so far and so deep into their addiction so as to cause themselves relational, financial, physical, emotional, and even spiritual harm destroying relationships and trust, it becomes a vital part of their restoration on almost every level. Accountability is about bringing everything into the light or putting everything on the table. It is facing truth and reality putting structure in place so as to protect the addict from slipping or falling back into their old habits.
Accountability for Addicts
The level of accountability needed by an addict can be quite demanding; however, it can also be quite rewarding. There are various cautions one must take, but we’ll leave that for another post. If you are thinking/praying about holding an addict accountable please consider the amount of time it will take before you commit to it. What’s worse than saying, “No,” to an addict is saying, “Yes,” and not following through with your responsibilities. As an addict, he/she wants you to hold them accountable; however, whenever they are in a faulty state of mind, they can care less (though in their heart of hearts they want it more than anything else).
Before we get into the various accountability measures, let’s consider a few things. First, addicts are master liars. Therefore, expect us to lie in regards to what we are being held accountable. This is so important, maybe even more important than the issue itself. Honesty, trust, and integrity are essential for good accountability. However, just because they lie periodically, it doesn’t mean that they are not sincere. So learn, study, and know their typical mannerisms, facial expressions, and lies. Do they typically tell only partial truths, or pathological lies? Do they tell white lies or bold face lies? So do not be shocked when they lie to you. And by no means do you stop being their accountability partner when they lie to you. Create a safe environment and let them know you believe in them. Second, focus especially on Jesus Christ and the promises of the Scriptures and how they affect them emotionally. Typically, addicts love to avoid reality and emotions/feelings. The porn, the sex, the drugs, and/or the alcohol is all a cover and a tool to help them feel numb to something. Third, kill and eliminate all excuses and rationalizations. If addicts are good at anything beyond deceit and lying, they are kings of rationalizations. They are masters of logic and coming to the wrong conclusion well. As Rick Warren and others say, we must remember that rationalizations are when we rationalize that are rational lies. We are experts at deceiving ourselves and others. We deceive ourselves so well that we even begin to believe them ourselves as the Truth. And finally, never tell an addict to trust their heart. Just don’t do it. Since they already struggle with their flesh (or old self), just assume that Jeremiah 17:3 (“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it.”) applies to them.
Accountability Measures
Some of these will surprise you, even shock you. However, they are unabashedly real and extreme. They are invasive calling those who will endeavor to authenticity and transparency like they’ve probably never experienced before. Here are some extreme, strong, hardcore accountability measures for porn/sex addicts (that will work for all addicts).
- Credit card reports & all financials need to be examined weekly and monthly. If you control the family financials, bring in your spouse to see them. If they simply don’t want it, insist that you teach them how to read and understand your financial system so that they can look at any time.
- Cell phone log needs to be examined weekly and monthly.
- Text messages must be examined compared with to phone records. Send copies of text messages sent to people of the opposite sex to your spouse and/or accountability partner.
- Shutdown your Social Networking sites (e.g., MySpace, Bebo, Facebook, etc.), especially MySpace. If this isn’t part your issue, then if you have a spouse, join your Facebook account with theirs so that they have visibility into everything you do (and being their friend isn’t enough–they need to see the messages sent/received). Give your accountability partner all your logins and passwords to all your social websites (Facebook, Twitter, etc.) so that they can check them at his/her leisure or whim.
- Give your accountability partner all your logins and passwords to all your email accounts (Yahoo! Mail, Gmail, Hotmail, etc) so that they can check them at his/her leisure or whim. If you use a free email like Yahoo! Mail, upgrade so that you have no ads to deal with (yes, pay for email). I actually highly encourage the use of Yahoo! Mail Plus. You can easily switch to them for free through TrueSwitch.com. And if you used your email to hook up with anyone or for porn emails, then you definitely may need to switch emails as your Spam/Junk emails may be out of control. If you have a spouse, join email accounts with them, again so that they have full access/visibility. Gmail doesn’t have banner ads like Yahoo! Mail, Hotmail, Juno Mail, etc.; however, it does have Sponsored Links that can be just as bad.
- No access to Internet without some sort of filter. Monitoring software placed on the PC that emails reports to an accountability partner (i.e., X3 Watch**Cheapest Solution though difficult for Accountability Partners/Available for iPhones, SafeEyes**Available for iPhones, Covenant Eyes**Best for Windows Mobile Phones/Development for iPhones, bsecure**Best for PCs/Available for iPhones [Free for iPhone]). If you cannot do this because of work IT restrictions, other guidelines may be needed. Suggestions?
- Absolutely NO TV after 10pm (TV rules change after as TV is governed by the FCC from 6am-10pm [See Wikipedia: TV Regulation]). For the addict, we shouldn’t be watching shows that have heavy sexual overtones like The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Desperate Housewives, Nip Tuck, etc. Even better, sell your TV, give it away, or just put it in the garage. If you place your TV on the curb, it will magically walk away quickly, especially if you put a piece of paper on it that says FREE!
- Get rid of cable TV. Example: Jeff Fisher at PorntoPurity. He writes:
- No rated PG-13 movies that have sexual conduct, brief nudity, sensuality, or possibly even adult language. The MPAA states,
- No rated R movies without first having the movie reviewed by screenit.com (requires subscription but by far the best. Others include PluggedIn, Crosswalk, MovieGuide) or someone else informing you, your spouse, and/or your accountability partner. Or utilize the ClearPlay DVD Player (post here).
- No cash allowed. But, if you must carry cash (i.e., a server at a restaurant, etc.), provide receipts for everything. If you are a server, have someone else at the store count your money & claim 100% (as you should always do). When you leave the house, show your pockets and wallet (and whatever else you take with you) to your spouse to search for cash counting all the cash you have.
- Bring back ALL receipts, not matter what (but especially if you carry cash), offering them to your spouse (to build trust) and to your accountability partner.
- The addict needs to call/text spouse/accountability partner before/after work or errands. Picture messages (MMS) work fantastic; however, be sure to have all pictures deleted at every night so as not to send the same picture on accident or even have the possibility of being able to lie/deceive. For example, if I go to lunch with Bob at Applebee’s, I take a picture of Bob holding an Applebee’s menu sending it to whomever.
- Keep a long book of addresses, times, & odometer readings in the car. For example,
- Person and/or couple must go to intensive and/or pastoral counseling once or twice a month. For best and faster results, the couple should go individually and collectively. Read here for Questions You Should Ask Your Counselor.
- Call/text your accountability/mentor every waking hour down to 5-10 times a day (and leave voicemail if needed).
- Call someone different for each day of the week. On Monday, call Bob, Tuesday, call Sam, etc. OR, if you have a larger support system, have one (or more) person(s) call you each day.
- Consider something you love and give it to your accountability partner as a consequence (i.e., a guy I know loves his X-Box and gives it up [for a pre-determined period of time] any time he does fall, don’t do a predetermined amount of money though).
- Use Google Latitude ( http://www.google.com/latitude/intro.html ) to have people (spouse/accountability partner) know your location at all times (will need a Google Account for this).
- Though possibly not really an accountability measure, separation may help–if done correctly! One good plan is 30 days of no contact with intensive individual counseling (same counselor) followed by 30 days of joint counseling while maintaining intensive individual counseling. Followed by an evaluation to decide whether to extend the separation or move back in together. The 30 day period can be whatever predisposed time period you and your spouse decide.
- Create a list of questions (of at least 5) that must be asked to one another at least once a week in person, face to face borrowing any unforeseen circumstances. Once this list has been created, ask the question: “What’s one question that you do not want me to ask you that I should?” Then add the question, “Have you lied to me?”
- Absolutely NO business traveling. However, if you must travel, then you need to set some hotel guidelines. To book your hotels, use CleanHotels.com, which is a Priceline affiliated booking site that helps travelers find a place to rest their head in a room without X-rated pay-per-view movies (source here).
Also, since there is a no TV policy, have the manager or the maintenance group remove your TV before your arrival. Every hotel that I’ve stayed at thinks this is weird and some have refused. Marriott sometimes couldn’t remove the TV but they removed the cable cords. Furthermore, have them email your spouse or accountability partner identifying who they are with contact information and what has been done to ensure that you cannot watch TV. - Spiritual/Emotional spotting where you MUST show your journal to your accountability/mentor. For Christians, this needs to include notes about your prayer times, daily Scripture reading, etc. If necessary buy a Spiritual Life Notebook.
- If you are a Christian, share the gospel with one person a week reporting back to your accountability partner. Yes! That’s right! I said it. Philemon 6 states, “I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ” (NIV). While the meaning of this verse is debated, suffice it to say that sharing your faith with believers and/or nonbelievers will teach you about who you are in Christ and “every good thing we have in Christ.” This is extremely tough because you may think that you are not qualified to share the gospel. Well, anyone who is a Christian is qualified. Share as one who is walking the journey with your issues and all…authentic and transparent. Yes, you have your issues and tell them that. If they ask, tell your story to whatever extent you are comfortable. Share your testimony in progress. Share your hope in Jesus Christ.
- If you are a Christian, of course you need to be reading the Bible and praying, and start here: 5 minutes reading (start in Mark, then John, then 1-2 Corinthians, Romans, Matthew, Epheisans-Philemon, Luke, Acts, Hebrews-Revelation and read through OT) & 5 minutes praying which includes a prayer that the Lord will keep you from evil (If you don’t know what to pray, start with the Lord’s Prayer, Matt 6:9-13, or with the Scripture that you read for the day).
- If you are a Christian, memorize Scripture! The more the merrier. Not only memorize it but journal on it. Meditate on it. Think about it. Talk to people about the verse all week. (Here’s a Starting Scripture Memory List that have some that I still need to memorize myself, or try Navigator’s Topical Memory System.)
- Exercise at least once a week for 1-2 hours. This could be playing basketball, football, volleyball, Ultimate Frisbee, golf, run, etc. Also, if possible, do not do this alone for you also need some accountability with this as well. Join a recreational league or church league or city league. Invite your spouse or your accountability partner to join you. The less you exercise, the more important this is.
- Person must go to a live-in recovery program. For me, this is a last resort/recourse.
Our family’s decision to get cable TV was one of the worst we ever made. …My uncle lived in San Diego. My dad and mom decided that a trip to California would be good. We could take in DisneyLand, Hollywood, Sea World, and try to get into a game show or a TV taping. My brother and I were ecstatic!
About this time, my brother and I were bugging my parents for Cable TV. Our friends had HBO, MTV, WTBS, & NICKELODEON and we wanted to get them as well. So my parents brought an interesting offer on the table: We can go to California or we can get cable.
…That was 25 years ago for me. I had no idea that cable programming and movies would warm me up to the world of masturbation, fantasy, and eventually porn. My parents could have given some more guidelines and restrictions on the TV, sure. But I can’t blame them for the decisions and clicks that I would later choose.
A PG-13 motion picture may go beyond the PG rating in theme, violence, nudity, sensuality, language, adult activities or other elements, but does not reach the restricted R category. The theme of the motion picture by itself will not result in a rating greater than PG-13, although depictions of activities related to a mature theme may result in a restricted rating for the motion picture…More than brief nudity will require at least a PG-13 rating, but such nudity in a PG-13 rated motion picture generally will not be sexually oriented. There may be depictions of violence in a PG-13 movie, but generally not both realistic and extreme or persistent violence. A motion picture’s single use of one of the harsher sexually-derived words, though only as an expletive, initially requires at least a PG-13 rating. More than one such expletive requires an R rating, as must even one of those words used in a sexual context. The Rating Board nevertheless may rate such a motion picture PG-13 if, based on a special vote by a two-thirds majority, the Raters feel that most American parents would believe that a PG-13 rating is appropriate because of the context or manner in which the words are used or because the use of those words in the motion picture is inconspicuous.
Notice that last statement. It is a catchall statement that allows the MPAA to push the envelope if they so choose based on a majority vote of “most Americans.” Porn/Sex addicts are not most Americans and we should not allow ourselves to be held to the same low standards. The point behind this is “Garbage in, garbage out,” and the battle starts in the mind and for most guys with the eyes.
12/1/20xx, Left MY HOUSE, 5:15p, 73,564 miles
Arrived Church (123 ABC Rd, City/State-if necessary) 5:23p, 73,569 miles.
Left Church 8:34p, 73,569
Arrived HOME, 8:42p, 73,574 miles
12/2/20xx, MY HOUSE, 7:15a, 73,574 miles
Work (123 XYZ Rd, City/State-if necessary) 7:30, 73,584 miles.
While this may never be looked at, the one time it may “take you too long to get back from Wal-Mart,” you can show them mileage and compare on Google Maps or Yahoo Maps.
For guidelines about how to find the right accountability partner, see my post, “Guidelines to Find the Right Accountability Partner.”. However, in short, your accountability partner should be someone you trust of the SAME gender (only possible exceptions is someone struggling with same sex addiction) who is at the same stage or further along than you with the same or similar struggle.
Can you think of any other hardcore or extreme accountability measures on should take?
