For the last month or so, I have learned more about recovery than I ever have. One of the things that I learned was that I was not processing slips properly. So after a slip, I would immediately call a recovery friend. Once on the phone, we would process my emotions and sometimes my thinking. However, doing one or the other or even both is not enough.

Every slip needs to be processed immediately after it happens, and if someone is serious about their recovery every slip must be processed immediately after it happens (something which I haven’t done every time). While I define a slip a little more broadly (a little more specific including some recovery behaviors) than this, a slip at minimum is an viewing of pornography, any sexual act outside the confines of marraige (between a man and a woman), and masturbation (see tomorrow’s post).

So what does it mean to process a slip? Doing a post-mortem on a slip is of the utmost importance, and the better I know how to do this the better I can process a slip myself (however, it is much more powerful to have another addict walk you through this because they can call out your rationalizations, your minimizing tendencies, your denial, etc.) and the better I can help another struggling sex addict process through their slip. If done properly, it can reveal intentions, thoughts, feelings, and actions. So, one needs to process one’s Feelings, Actions, and Thoughts. But how do we process through these things?

When processing through a slip, you can start with any of the three. Sometimes it is easier to begin with actions while other times it’s easier to begin with thoughts. Typically, for the addict feelings will be the most difficult simply because acting out is often equivalent to numbing out. However, that being the case it makes the question quite obvious: What feeling were you trying to escape?

Let me give an example: the last time I slipped. If I think about the last time I slipped, what was I doing before I slipped? I was sleeping. What was I doing before that? Coming back to my apartment alone. What was I doing before that? I drove home from work.

Once it is obvious that the sequence of questioning rejoins “normal,” then we ask, “What should I have done differently?” Or, “What should I have done?” If I cannot answer that, I should ask, “What red flags do I see?” The obvious red flag is that I was home alone. What you may not know, but my recovering buddy should know, is that Wednesdays are my days for SA Meetings. So I shouldn’t have even come home to the apartment. So what should I have done? Well I could have called someone. I could have gone to SA early and build some relationships with some people who arrive early. I could have done both. So the next time I am tempted to go home to sleep, I now have a plan to execute. So, I have now processed my Actions.

So then it leads to why did I decided to go to my apartment. So why did I? Well I was exhaused and tired. Why? If I look at the circumstances and my actions that led to me being exhausted and tired, I can see that I was talking to my wife on the phone (she and I are geographically separated due to me taking a new job in another city) late into the night (and I can continue down that route if I want or need). Then, are there any other feelings that I may have felt when I acted out? Having thought of no more. I have processed my Feelings (however, I recommend coming back to this at the end).

Now, when I ask myself what I was thinking, something very obvious comes out very quickly. I was thinking, “Since I slipped yesterday, why not right now too?” and “It’s been about 24 hours since the last time, and that’s nothing I can’t regain, so why not?” Simply, I was allowing my sobriety date to determine my sobriety, which is bad sobriety, not true sobriety. Once I reveal my faulty thinking, I then must consider what I must do to combat those thoughts. Being performance driven and pulling my value out of that performance, I must remember who I am and whose I am? I need to do some work reminding myself that I am accepted by God, loved by God, cared for by God, wanted by God, and that my value and significance is found in God, not my performance. Now that I have processed my Thoughts, I revert back to my feelings to really check my feelings.

Once, I reinvestiage, I find that I was feeling sad, scared, shame and guilt. Now that I have uncovered the array of feelings that really was happening, I then can investigate why I was feeling those feelings and what I can do or think or even feel in response.

This creates a comprehensive way to deal with one’s slips. Simply think FAT!