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12 Steps to a Slip

December 3, 2010 By View Comments

Every Slip Has A Beginning, and every slip has an ending.Know Your Danger Signals!Make the ending of your slip Recovery not death!Relapse is a serious and sometimes fatal reality.

  1. Start missing meetings for any reason, real or imaginary.
  2. Become critical of the methods used by other members who may not agree with you in everything.
  3. Nurse the idea that someday, somehow, you can drink or drug again in a controlled manner.
  4. Let the others do the 12th step work in your group. You are too busy.
  5. Become conscious of your AA/NA/SA “Seniority” and view every member with a skeptical and jaundiced eye.
  6. Become so pleased with your own views of the program that you consider yourself an “Elder Statesman”
  7. Start a small clique within your own group, composed of only a few members who see eye to eye with you.
  8. Tell the new member in confidence that you yourself do not not take certain of the 12 Steps seriously.
  9. Let your mind dwell more and more on how much you are helping others rather than on how much the program is helping you.
  10. If an unfortunate member has a slip, drop him at once.
  11. Cultivate the habit of borrowing money from other members, then stay away from meetings to avoid embarrassment.
  12. Look upon the 24 hour plan as a vital thing for new members, but not for yourself. You have outgrown the need of that a long time ago. 

Most importantly always remember we can all have a another relapse, but we cannot be guaranteed another recovery. (SOURCE)

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Filed Under: Resources for Porn Addicts, Sexaholics Anonymous

12 Steps to a Slip

December 3, 2010 By View Comments

Every Slip Has A Beginning, and every slip has an ending.Know Your Danger Signals!Make the ending of your slip Recovery not death!Relapse is a serious and sometimes fatal reality.

  1. Start missing meetings for any reason, real or imaginary.
  2. Become critical of the methods used by other members who may not agree with you in everything.
  3. Nurse the idea that someday, somehow, you can drink or drug again in a controlled manner.
  4. Let the others do the 12th step work in your group. You are too busy.
  5. Become conscious of your AA/NA/SA “Seniority” and view every member with a skeptical and jaundiced eye.
  6. Become so pleased with your own views of the program that you consider yourself an “Elder Statesman”
  7. Start a small clique within your own group, composed of only a few members who see eye to eye with you.
  8. Tell the new member in confidence that you yourself do not not take certain of the 12 Steps seriously.
  9. Let your mind dwell more and more on how much you are helping others rather than on how much the program is helping you.
  10. If an unfortunate member has a slip, drop him at once.
  11. Cultivate the habit of borrowing money from other members, then stay away from meetings to avoid embarrassment.
  12. Look upon the 24 hour plan as a vital thing for new members, but not for yourself. You have outgrown the need of that a long time ago. 

Most importantly always remember we can all have a another relapse, but we cannot be guaranteed another recovery. (SOURCE)

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Filed Under: Resources for Porn Addicts, Sexaholics Anonymous

A Practical Guide to Using Journaling to Overcome Addiction in Recovery

November 16, 2010 By View Comments

Journaling has been one of those daily disciplines that evade me. I have every good intention of doing it every day but fail often miserably. So now, I have committed to only journal three times a week. We’ll see how it works. However, this time, I actually have a plan, a list of questions to answer every time. But before I get to what to journal about, let me first briefly talk about the purpose of journaling.

Purpose of Journaling

There is a twofold purpose of journaling for any addict. First, since addicts use their acting out as a way to numb out or avoid feelings and emotions, journaling serves as necessary a way to make connections between thoughts, feelings, and actions. Second, journaling serves as a series of checkpoints along the road of happy destiny.

Journaling Content

First before I discuss the what of journaling, let me first talk about the length of journaling. This weekend my wife and I were briefly discussing journaling, and she was encouraging me to journal as she knows how difficult it is for me. Then she mentioned that I should just journal every time I commit to no matter what I write, even if it is just, “I hate journaling and I don’t feel like journaling today.” Simply the point is to write something down on paper.Now there are six basic questions that can be answered extremely quickly or even for the over-achiever, elaborately. They are FAST VG!

  1. Feelings: What feelings did I experience today and/or have right now?
  2. Acting Out: What, if any, acting out did you do today?
  3. Struggles: What struggles did you experience today?
  4. Temptations: What temptations did you experience today?
  5. Victories: What victories, no matter how small, did you experience today?
  6. God: How did you see God (or your higher power) working in your life today?

These questions can be answered in a wide variety of ways. Feelings are feelings, and they are as fickle as the weather. However, it is good to have a record to begin to see patterns of behavior. Acting out can look differently every day. I personally including any ritual behaviors or preoccupational thinking here too. Struggles I often relate to life, and sometimes to my faulty thinking. Temptations are my triggers. Victories are anything from pushing a thought out of my head to turning off the laptop to walking away to calling someone etc. I typically answer #1, #2-4 altogether with each event that I discuss, #5 and then #6. #6 has been more difficult for me than I expected; however, it is getting easier.So what about you? What do you use to journal?

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Filed Under: My Pornography Addiction, Resources for Porn Addicts

8 Core Feelings and Their Associated State of Beings

November 10, 2010 By View Comments

As I continue on in my group therapy and my 12-step meetings I have noticed that there is a a big disconnect and even a lack of understanding between feelings and state of beings. While I myself am not sure I fully comprehend the differences, I strive to use feeling words as opposed to state of being words.

So in an effort to help those around me I wanted to share this resource as it was given to me. This resource has proven to be extremely valuable to me as I continue in recovery. I refer to it constantly and review it periodically just to learn what I may be feeling if I was frustrated or irritated. Also, while this chart doesn’t necessarily show it sometimes ANGER needs to be further investigated because it can come from FEAR or even GUILT or SHAME.

Another thing that I have found interesting was that one therapist and published author told me that none of these feelings were innately bad or wrong. As soon as I heard her say that I immediately objected and asked, “Well, what about GUILT and SHAME? Aren’t those wrong or bad?” After hearing her response, I wasn’t convinced and wanted to further investigate this myself. I have concluded that this really comes down to definitions. If GUILT is something like CONVICTION or even GODLY SORROW then sure GUILT can have a positive meaning.

Between GUILT and SHAME, I have a hard time differentiating though I know there is a distinct difference. I have always viewed the difference as the following: 

  • GUILT is feeling bad about something I’ve done (whether good or bad)
  • SHAME is feeling bad about who I am, my being

So, I really do have a hard time seeing how SHAME can be a positive feeling. The previous therapist suggested that the positive side of this feeling is HUMILITY, with which I am not sure I agree.

What do you think? Is SHAME a positive feeling?

CORE FEELINGS            ASSOCIATED STATE OF BEING


GLAD                Loving, content, compassionate, relieved, excited, alive, joyful, satisfied, calm, peaceful, accepted, committed, understood, strong, healthy, encouraged, determined, patient, respected, confident, competent, important, whole, valued, secure, worthy 
SAD Depressed, exhausted, overwhelmed, frantic, abandoned, trapped, desperate, hopeless, victimized, criushed, empty, miserable, fragile, helpless, needy, used, lonely, disappointed, remorseful, misunderstood, upset
ANGER Offended, irritated, agitated, cross, provoked, uptight, impatient, disagreeable, disgusted, displeased, annoyed, bothered, critical, furious, enraged, hostile, vengeful, aggressive, hateful, indifferent
GUILT Regretful, alienated, worthless, humiliated, inadequate, disgraced, despised, failure, bad, embarrassed, stupid, tormented
LONELY Sad, alone, not chosen, abandoned, isolated, alienated, victimized, worthless, dejected, empty, friendless, needy, tearful
FEAR Terrified, shocked, panicky, desperate, frantic, vulnerable, tense, anxious, apprehensive, suspicious, perturbed, unsafe, cowardly, timid, concerned, undecided, uneasy, pressured
SHAME Ashamed, abused, helpless, humiliated, worthless, rejected, abandoned, detested, inadequate, degraded, unloved, failure, unimportant, bad, weak, ungifted, ugly, ignored, inferior
HURT Hopeless, rejected, defeated, desperate, victimized, worthless, wounded, degraded, crushed, miserable, sick, torn up, fragile, destroyed

 

 

Filed Under: My Pornography Addiction, Resources for Porn Addicts

New Symptoms of ADHD in Adulthood

November 10, 2010 By View Comments

Statistics (by Carnes and others?) reveal that there is a high correlation between porn/sex addiction and ADD/ADHD. While I don’t really remember the exact statistic but it is something between 70-80% of addicts have ADD/ADHD. So I thought it would be good to talk about some of the symptoms of ADD/ADHD.

I don’t remember where I got this but here are 16 New Symptoms of ADHD in Adulthood.

  1. Find it difficult to tolerate waiting; impatient
  2. Make decisions impulsively
  3. Easily distracted by irrelevant thoughts when I must concentrate on something
  4. Procrastinate or put things off until the last minute
  5. Change my plans at the last minute on a whim or last minute impulse
  6. Start a project or task without reading or listening to directions carefully
  7. Forget to do things I am supposed to do
  8. Can’t seem to hold in mind things I need to remember to do
  9. Easily frustrated
  10. Can’t seem to persist at things I do not fin interesting
  11. Have trouble staying alert or awake in boring situations
  12. Can’t seem to sustain my concentration on reading, paperwork, lectures, or work
  13. Easily bored
  14. Have difficulties saying what I want to say
  15. Can’t seem to get to the point of my explanations as quickly as others
  16. Have difficulties managing my money or credit cards

While I am not sure how many one has to have to claim to have ADHD as an adult, and there probably isn’t a specific number or threshold. So each case is different and probably should be analyzed on a case by case basis. As for me, I have a high number of these (if not all).

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Filed Under: My Pornography Addiction, Resources for Porn Addicts

8 Core Feelings and Associated State of Beings

November 10, 2010 By View Comments

One thing that I have noticed in my meetings whether group or 12-step, I have noticed that there is a lack of understanding of feelings and associated state of beings. At first, I didn’t have a clue about this and would constantly pass off states of being as my feelings; however, this chart was given to me and it has made a world of difference in order to understand my core feelings. As I continue to learn about my own personal feelings, I wanted to share it with everyone else.

When I was at Bethesda Workshops, one of the leaders said, “One thing we want you to learn is that no feeling in and of themselves is a bad feeling.” My objections to this statement were the feelings of GUILT and SHAME. While I can actually see how GUILT can be a positive feeling in the sense of CONVICTION, GODLY SORROW, etc., I still have some difficulty seeing how SHAME is a “positive” feeling, especially since I have always defined SHAME as seeing myself as inadequate or unworthy (as even some of the state of beings indicate). However, if we define it as something like a “state of dishonor” or even humility (if that is an emotion or feeling?), then I can see shame positively. However, I typically don’t see it as positive and will probably continue struggling with this for some time. What do you think? Can SHAME be a positive feeling?

CORE FEELINGS            ASSOCIATED STATE OF BEING


 

GLAD                Loving, content, compassionate, relieved, excited, alive, joyful, satisfied, calm, peaceful, accepted, committed, understood, strong, healthy, encouraged, determined, patient, respected, confident, competent, important, whole, valued, secure, worthy 
SAD Depressed, exhausted, overwhelmed, frantic, abandoned, trapped, desperate, hopeless, victimized, criushed, empty, miserable, fragile, helpless, needy, used, lonely, disappointed, remorseful, misunderstood, upset
ANGER Offended, irritated, agitated, cross, provoked, uptight, impatient, disagreeable, disgusted, displeased, annoyed, bothered, critical, furious, enraged, hostile, vengeful, aggressive, hateful, indifferent
GUILT Regretful, alienated, worthless, humiliated, inadequate, disgraced, despised, failure, bad, embarrassed, stupid, tormented
LONELY Sad, alone, not chosen, abandoned, isolated, alienated, victimized, worthless, dejected, empty, friendless, needy, tearful
FEAR Terrified, shocked, panicky, desperate, frantic, vulnerable, tense, anxious, apprehensive, suspicious, perturbed, unsafe, cowardly, timid, concerned, undecided, uneasy, pressured
SHAME Ashamed, abused, helpless, humiliated, worthless, rejected, abandoned, detested, inadequate, degraded, unloved, failure, unimportant, bad, weak, ungifted, ugly, ignored, inferior
HURT Hopeless, rejected, defeated, desperate, victimized, worthless, wounded, degraded, crushed, miserable, sick, torn up, fragile, destroyed

 

Filed Under: My Pornography Addiction, Resources for Porn Addicts

New Symptoms of ADHD in Adulthood

November 10, 2010 By View Comments

Statistics (by Carnes and others?) reveal that there is a high correlation between porn/sex addiction and ADD/ADHD. While I don’t really remember the exact statistic but it is something between 70-80% of addicts have ADD/ADHD. So I thought it would be good to talk about some of the symptoms of ADD/ADHD.

I don’t remember where I got this but here are 16 symptoms of ADHD in adulthood.

  1. Find it difficult to tolerate waiting; impatient
  2. Make decisions impulsively
  3. Easily distracted by irrelevant thoughts when I must concentrate on something
  4. Procrastinate or put things off until the last minute
  5. Change my plans at the last minute on a whim or last minute impulse
  6. Start a project or task without reading or listening to directions carefully
  7. Forget to do things I am supposed to do
  8. Can’t seem to hold in mind things I need to remember to do
  9. Easily frustrated
  10. Can’t seem to persist at things I do not fin interesting
  11. Have trouble staying alert or awake in boring situations
  12. Can’t seem to sustain my concentration on reading, paperwork, lectures, or work
  13. Easily bored
  14. Have difficulties saying what I want to say
  15. Can’t seem to get to the point of my explanations as quickly as others
  16. Have difficulties managing my money or credit cards

While I am not sure how many one has to have to claim to have ADHD as an adult, and there probably isn’t a specific number or threshold. So each case is different and probably should be analyzed on a case by case basis. As for me, I have a high number of these (if not all).

 

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Filed Under: My Pornography Addiction, Resources for Porn Addicts

Write Your Own Letter to Your Addict

September 21, 2010 By View Comments

It may be tempting to rant and rave at your addict part and angrily tell that part of you to get lost, get out of your life, or to…whatever. That kind of emotion is okay and has its place. The problem is that an emotional outburst doesn’t necessarily equate to a commitment to change.

So use this suggested outline for a letter to your addict (or that part of you that behaves addictively; recall how you’ve learned or chosen to cope in unhealthy ways). You’d obviously don’t have to follow it, but it helps to have something to begin the writing creative process.

Dear ____,

I have to say goodbye to you (my addict self) because…

This is what you’ve done for me through the years…

This is how you’ve harmed me….

Letting go of you (my addict self) is hard because…

Here is why I am committed to recovery…

Sincerely,

_________

Date: __________

Also, I would love to see your letter as it will help me. Please Share Your Letter.

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More Resources

June 24, 2010 By View Comments

Recently, I came across a couple websites (Justin Taylor’s Blog on Porndemic <-Love the Title & Sam Isaacson) that had some additional resources while I haven’t read many of them, I wanted to share them with you.

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14 Types of Denial in Pornography and/or Sex Addiction

May 1, 2010 By View Comments

This was originally written as a guest post for PorntoPurity.com.

Denial. No! What is it, really? I hear it thrown around constantly, and you probably do too. If you are anything like me, when you hear something like the first step that says, “We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable,” we think, “Duh! I’m here aren’t I!? Why else would I be here?” And we think, “I have already got this first step done!” When I first really entered recovery, my sponsor would constantly tell me that I was still in denial, and like any good addict, I denied it! I denied it because I had no idea what he was talking about. And frankly, he couldn’t articulate why he thought I was in denial. He would simply say, “It just sounds like you are still in denial.” And I would ask, “Well, what makes you say that?” And he could never answer me…well, at least to my satisfaction because I was intellectualizing the conversation. So I brushed it off.

However, when I began therapy with my counselor, he walked me through Patrick Carnes’s 14 Types of Denial asking me which ones that I did. Then I realized, yes, in some cases, probably more than I’d like to admit, I was in denial. And immediately I wanted to deny it! And the thing about the 12 steps is that it is not once and done. It is a process that is continuous, and I must continually choose to step out of denial in my thinking and definitely any time I do something wrong.

So I wanted to share these 14 with you guys. While some of these may overlap with one another, it helps to have these 14 categories to really know what denial really is. While most of us don’t use all twelve, try to pick out your top 3-4. The twelve taken from Facing the Shadow (adapted by me) are:

  1. Global Thinking: This is attempting to justify something with absolute terms like “always” or “never” or “whatsoever.” It also can be something along the lines of “every guy does this.”
  2. Rationalization: This is justifying unacceptable behavior saying things like “I don’t have a problem, I’m just sexually liberated,” or “You’re crazy,” or “I can go months without this, so I don’t have a problem.” As Rick Warren states, “Rationalize is telling yourself Rational Lies” (Twitter).
  3. Minimizing: This is trying to make behavior or consequences seem smaller or less important than they are saying things like “only a little,” or “only once in a while,” or “it’s no big deal,” or simply telling the story in a better light than it really should be.
  4. Comparison: This is shifting focus to someone else to justify behaviors such as “I’m not as bad as…”
  5. Uniqueness: This is thinking you are different or special saying things like “My situation is different,” or “I was hurt more,” or “That’s fine for you, but I’m too busy.” This one can also be considered Entitlement.
  6. Distraction (Carnes, Avoiding by creating an uproar or distraction): This is being a clown and getting everyone laughing, having angry outbursts meant to frighten or intimidate others, threats and posturing, and doing shocking behavior that may even be sexual. This can be when we simply blow up upon being confronted hoping that our explosion will draw attention rather than the actual issue.
  7. Avoiding by Omission: This is trying to change the subject, ignore the subject, or manipulate the conversation to avoid talking about something. It is also leaving out important bits of information like the fact that the lover is underage, or the person is a close friend of your spouse, or revealing enough information while keeping back the most “dangerous” information that will get you in more trouble.
  8. Blaming: This is when you shift blame and responsibility from yourself to another person, and many times this is done unconsciously since in the depth of our being we really don’t want to be held responsible for something. I call this the Adam Syndrome as this is what Adam did in the Garden (Genesis 3) by wrongly blaming Eve for his rebellion. This includes, “Well, you would cruise all night, too, if you had my job,” or “If my spouse weren’t so cold…” or “I can’t help it, the baby cries day and night and makes me nervous.”
  9. Intellectualizing: This is avoiding feelings and responsibility by thinking or by asking why. This person tries to explain everything getting lost in detail, rabbit trails, and/or storytelling. This often includes pretending superior intellect and using intelligence as a weapon. If you watch the TV Show Bones, Dr. Temprance Brennan does this often.
  10. Victim Mentality (Carnes, Hopelessness/Helplessness): This is where a person says, “I’m a victim,” or “I can’t help it,” or “There is nothing I can do to get better,” or “I’m the worst.”
  11. Manipulative Behavior: This usually involves some distortion of reality including the use of power, lies, secrets, or guilt to exploit others.
  12. Compartmentalizing: This is something that almost every addict does (I actually want to say EVERY but will hold back). This is separating your life into compartments in which you do things that you keep separate from other parts of your life. This is like a Jackel and Hyde or a separation of Public and Private life to the point where it is unhealthy driven by thoughts of “If they only knew, then…”
  13. Crazymaking: This occurs when we are confronted by others who DO have a correct perception…we simply tell them that they are totally wrong. We act indignantly toward them attempting to make them feel crazy by simply positing that they cannot trust their own perceptions.
  14. Seduction: This is the use of charm, humor, good looks, or helpfulness to gain sexual access and cover up insincerity.

For me, while I struggle with many of these denial types (rationalizing, minimizing, uniqueness, distraction, omission, blaming, intellectualizing, compartmentalizing) and probably have done them all at one point or another, my Big Three are Minimizing, Omission, and Intellectualizing. Well, at least that’s what I think they are. It is a good practice to take this list and mark the ones that you think you do, and confirming it with your spouse and/or your sponsor and/or someone close to you that knows most of the story and has lived through things with you. The goal is to identify which ones we tend towards so when we are facing our secrets and/or our problems, we can identify some of these behaviors in order to face the truth at all costs and comfort and live out the Stockdale Paradox.

What are yours?

Filed Under: My Pornography Addiction, Resources for Porn Addicts, Sex Addiction Help

The Addiction Cycle for Pornography or Sex Addiction

April 26, 2010 By View Comments
Pornography Sex Addiction Cycle

Click for Larger Image

Patrick Carnes describes the addiction cycle as:

  1. Preoccupation-the trance or mood wherein the addicts’ minds are completely engrossed with thoughts of sex. This mental state creates an obsessive search for sexual stimulation.
  2. Ritualization-the addicts’ own special routines which lead up to the sexual behavior. The ritual intensifies the preoccupation, adding arousal and excitement.
  3. Compulsive Sexual Behavior-the actual sexual act, which is the end goal of the preoccupation and ritualization. Sexual addicts are unable to control or stop this behavior.
  4. Despair-the feeling of utter hopelessness addicts have about their behavior and their powerlessness.

First, the thought or fantasy enters the addicts mind through some sort of trigger based on their arousal template (or what excites them). This could be in the form of an image that suddenly appeared in one’s mind or a smell or a sound or a whole slew of various triggers. This is where the battle must take place (2 Cor 10:5). From here, from this thought comes an obsessive preoccupation on the fantasy or sexual thought. Here the battle is much, much tougher yet beatable. The felt, immediate cost will be greater.

Then comes the person’s ritual. In the ritualization stage, according to Carnes, the battle is already lost. However, I must disagree. I believe that the Lord does provide a way out (1 Cor 10:13). Many times the ritualization part can look a lot like the sexual compulsive stage. This stage This can vary from a wide variety of events from turning on the computer, going to a certain “safe” site that allows one to get closer, etc. In the ritualization process, the addict forms his excuses, rationalizations, or returns to a state of denial. This stage can happen over a course of minutes and even seconds to a week or sometimes a month.

The ritualization leads to the addict sexually acting out in their sexual compulsive behavior. This is the culmination of the thought, the preoccupation, and the ritualization process.

After the acting out, the addict feels guilt or shame for the behavior.  “How could I do this again??” It is important to note that the addict feels both shame and guilt, and it is important to note the differences between the two:

Guilt says I’ve done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I’ve made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what did was not good; shame says I am no good. Bradshaw (1988).

While guilt or even sorrow can be constructive and lead to recovery, shame can be overwhelming and can lead to despair or hopelessness. And this emotional flood can be rather overwhelming and depressing. It demands attention and this leads the addict back to preoccupation.

From the Sexual Addiction Recovery Resources, they picture the addiction cycle as:

Pornography Sexual Addiction Cycle

Filed Under: Resources for Porn Addicts Tagged With: ,
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