#2: Loss of fellowship with your spouse

Cost #2: Loss of fellowship with your spouse

Probably the second most important (considered by some to be the most important) cost of pornography is a loss of fellowship with our spouse. This cost also really goes without saying, though some would argue that pornography will improve one’s relationship with their spouse. However, I wonder if they are confusing intimacy with sexual lust and fulfillment. Without doing any research about this, I believe that sexual fulfillment is the result of a healthy sex life within the confines of an intimate relationship with one’s spouse. I once read somewhere (and maybe I shouldn’t even say this, but…) that a strength of a woman’s orgasm depends heavily on their intimacy and security with their spouse. In the same article, I read that the reason some women cannot achieve orgasm is because of a lack of intimacy and security. To me, this was very interesting. Second, I know that while pornography does not discriminate between races or even gender, it was not always the case. Previously, pornography is generally focused towards the male. Now, with the sudden growth of pornography with females, pornography is promoting selfishness, or self gratification, immediate pleasure or something along those lines rather than the full giving of one’s self to the other. Sex becomes about finishing, climaxing, or my orgasm and not about the other’s satisfaction and pleasure which is what lovemaking is all about, pleasing your spouse and receiving pleasure from your spouse.

I know that in my marriage our intimacy has declined dramatically because of my use of pornography. But let me just speak in generalities. I have heard men say that their wives look at them in disgust, can’t even have the thought of sex with them, sex has become more of a duty than a joy or an experience, and they feel dirty after having sex. All these are common experiences. I read in one book, Every Heart Restored, that women would have these horrible, graphic dreams of their husbands cheating on them. These often are the result of the man practicing pornography that day, and if she is having these dreams, whether caused by her unconsciousness or God, no wonder there is a loss of fellowship with our spouses.

Besides the sexual aspect, a man loses fellowship with his wife because he also begins to retract and retreat. Instead of giving himself, he now becomes more introverted, more selfish, and more self-focused. He begins a journey towards isolating himself from his spouse. Filled with shame, guilt, and anger, the man blames himself (and maybe even his spouse if he does not guard himself). I know I have. For some, pornography is just a physical issue (and at some degree it is for all men) while for others its an emotional or psychological issue which he has kept (or is keeping) to himself. With other men, they may find “release” through alcohol, drugs, or even becoming workaholics or fanatics about something else. Regardless, these tendencies, especially those who struggle with pornography, brings a current that pulls us away from our spouses.

Just as we talked about yesterday, the Bible says one cannot serve two masters; I will either love one and hate the other (Mt 6:24; Lk 16:13). Same goes with the spouse and pornography; I will either love one and hate the other. Not only this, but is using pornography keeping the marriage bed undefiled? Hebrews 13:4 says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” Not only this, but worse is Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount. He says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you, that everyone who looks on a woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Mt 5:27-28). How many of us have looked at those magazines or online sites with lust in our hearts!

So the first two costs and consequences of pornography are: (1) a loss of fellowship with God and (2) a loss of fellowship with our spouse. While both of these are very serious costs and consequences, God can and does restore. He wants us to be in right relationship with Him. He wants us to be in right, peaceful relationships with others. It takes less than a minute to have your relationship with God restored. While it takes longer with your spouse, God will help and guide us along. But the question is: do we believe it? Do we believe that God will restore us with Him? Do we believe that He will help us renew and restore our relationship with our spouse? I know I find it incredibily hard to believe it. Do you?