A Porn/Sex Addiction Recovery Plan with Guaranteed Results

September 2, 2010 By @purifyinggrace 9 Comments

I was recently at a workshop where they were giving a ton of statistics. While I wasn’t able to write them all down and everything, I got the emphasis of the statistics. According to Patrick Carnes’s research, someone basically has a 90%#footnote1">¹ chance of a full, long-lasting recovery if the following elements are in place:

A minimum of three 12 step meetings (S.A., S.A.A., S.L.A.A., R.C.A., S.C.A., S.R.A.) with Celebrate Recovery that has a purity group (or Samson Society, or Pure Desire Group or Faithful & True Groups) being a 4th meeting for a minimum of 2 years. However, mere attendance does not count. For this to count, the person must be meeting with a sponsor weekly (sometimes contacting them daily) with daily phone calls to others in the group. If in Celebrate Recovery this would mean doing a Step Study Group on top of the weekly meetings.
Weekly meetings with a CSAT or some other certified addictions therapist for a minimum of 2 years. Typically this means digging into your own life further from insights gained from (1) group therapy, (2) group therapy assignments, (3) going through the 12 steps (including the 12 step meetings), and (4) life as it happens while on the journey of recovery. Find a therapist here.
Weekly group therapy meetings for a minimum of 2 years. This typically combined with the weekly therapy group as it is usually a bad idea to have two therapists (one for therapy and one for individual), and typically the group will go through a book either Laaser’s L.I.F.E. workbook or Carnes’s Facing the Shadow workbook (there are others out there but these are the two Sexual Addiction leaders).

So, typically, this means about 10 hours of work per week that needs to be done, and I am discovering this is the bare minimum. As I am creating my recovery plan, I notice that for men there are other elements that must be included such as exercise/working out (30 minutes a day), spiritual disciplines (30-60 minutes/day), and adequate sleeping patterns (7-8 hours/day). So in essence it is a complete life change and transition. My wife and I were chatting about this the other day, and she said to me (referring to something that her therapist said when her therapist equated much of their recovery plan with the spiritual disciplines) that if we observe people we admire, we will notice that those who are healthy already do much of the 12 steps in the form of spiritual disciplines.

So, when a therapist or counselor repeats what Patrick Carnes says about sexual addiction recovery that it is “a 3-5 year process,” don’t be surprised and don’t change therapists as you may be tempted to do. Seriously, they are not looking to make a long term financial making plan with us. Instead, this type of honesty is essential and if they wanted to make money with us addicts they wouldn’t tell us. Then this would create repeat customers (per se) for a much longer period of time.

While at Bethesda Workshops, I heard two really profound yet simple stories. One was in response to a question similar to “Why does it take so long?” The therapist simply said, “How long did it take for you to get where you are?” And then he continued, “Recovery won’t take as long as it should or as long as it took for you to get where you are, but it will be longer than you expect.” The second one is also just as profound in our microwave, quick fix it society. The guy went into see his CSAT therapist regarding his sex addiction. He sat down and began to tell how his sex addiction began. Then the therapist asked, “Tell me about your dad.” The addict confused yet persistent replied with more of his sex addiction beginnings. Then the therapist having listened, asked, “Tell me about your dad.” Then the addict frustrated continued to discuss his sex addiction in present times. Then the therapist having listened, asked, “Tell me about your dad.” Then the addict becoming angry and thinking that he is wasting his time began describing his current consequences. Then the therapist having listened, asked, “Tell me about your dad.” Then the addict extremely frustrated and angry demanded that they talk about his sex addiction. And the therapist said, “We are. What is it that you want?” Then the addict began describing his despair in such sorrow. Then the therapist having listened, asked, “Tell me about your dad.” Finally in exasperation, the addict said angrily, “No! I am here to talk about my sex addiction—not my dad!” The therapist said, “What do you think I am trying to do? You want to talk about the behavior, and I am trying to talk about your addiction.” Full sex addiction therapy will investigate family of origin issues, trauma/impactful life events, and one’s belief system and thinking—not just the behavior.

—————————
#footnote1">1. I am still trying to validate this statistic. However, I was able to validate something of the reverse. Carnes unofficially reported that people that went through treatment at the meadows and who were successfully following their aftercare plan, relapse rate was only 3 percent!

Filed Under: General Tagged With: footnote1

Jesse

I'd like to share an experience with you. From the spring of 2005 to the spring of 2006, I was heavily involved with a group of real Big Book-thumping AAs. During this time I went to a minimum of one meeting per day (at 7 a.m.) and often two meetings a day. I talked to my sponsor daily – in fact, during the summer of 2005, I actually worked for him, so I was with him all day. I did service work, went to therapy, and completed the Living Waters program for the “sexually broken.”

In April, 2006, I relapsed. Big time.

How did this happen? Simple – I'd reduced all the things I just mentioned to exactly what they appear to be: a to-do list. My heart stopped being in them long before the relapse. Like a lot of church folk do in church, I went through the motions. I was a fraud. (And just imagine the ridiculous amount of spiritual pride I got out of getting up by 5 or 5:30 every day so I could chauffeur a couple other guys to the 7 a.m. meeting – to which I was always 1/2 hour early because I served as the greeter. In my mind, I had got hold of the REAL AA, before which all other AAs widdle themselves like frightened puppies. What is this “humility” of which you speak?)

All the things you have listed as a program are great, but they are 100% useless without honesty, open-mindedness and willingness. Bear in mind also that, if we are truly addicted, we have crossed a line from which there is no return through human aid. Therapists can provide us with a great deal of useful self-knowledge (family of origin, addiction cycle, etc.), but that knowledge alone can't keep us sober. I have watched this happen again and again, and it has happened to me as well. God certainly does work through our therapists & fellow addicts, and by all means we need meetings & therapy (God knows I do), but it is His power alone that can transform us by the renewing of our minds.

Please understand that I'm not trying to discourage you from the plan you have outlined, which is great. I'm just trying to warn you of a pitfall I've stumbled into. I certainly don't have all the answers, just the bitter lessons of my own struggles with self-centeredness.

Love that you are blogging your experiences. Hang in there!
VictoryIsPossible

Wow. That is a great article. How encouraging that there is a solution that leads to life. I have been experiencing sexual sobriety about six years now and can validate this. It does take a lot of work but in that work comes a closer relationship with the Lord.

There seems to be a thread of thought through the church that says that it is all about relationship with the Lord and all that work and therapy stuff is therefore… unbiblical. Usually when I hear that I see a person that a) has been struggling, b) looking for a quick fix and c) seems to continue to flounder in their sexual sin. They appear to be waiting for a miraculous healing to fix their brokenness; unaware that they have already been given assignments by the Father.

I have found that I had my part to do and it involved a lot of challenging my wonky thinking. When I challenged my thinking (that was astray) my actions started to follow. When my actions followed my heart started to wake up and feel that love and relationship with the Father. That relationship leads me to more challenging of my thinking on a deeper level. It's a cycle. There is no question that my relationship with the Father is much better and deeper now than before. I still have a long way to go. With God's grace I will stay on his path.
Jesse

The focus on miraculous deliverance is compounded by the fact that, every once in a great while, people really do get delivered in a short time. And so when it's testimony time, those are the ones we hear, because they're the most dramatic. Struggling over a period of time is so much less appealing from a human perspective.

Bill W. actually had an experience like this, but it was found to be so far from the norm that the early AAs put a disclaimer in the Big Book warning newcomers not to expect it. I don't know why God does this for a handful of folks and not everyone else, but that's the way it is.

One thing I've found helpful is to compare the honest work of recovery to the exhausting slavery of active addiction. When using/acting out I was looking for the “easier, softer way,” but in reality it's recovery that is easier; it just doesn't come as naturally. Jesus said, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” He wasn't kidding!
http://purifyinggrace.com/ purifyinggrace

Hello Jesse,

Thanks for your wisdom. For the most part, I believe that you and I are, for the most part, on the same page. And I am very sorry that you have gone through the experiences that you have described. And frankly someone should have confronted you whether that should have been your sponsor or one of your peers in the group or 12 step meetings is debatable.

I guess I am assuming a lot of what you are saying, so let me set the record straight and be clear about some of the things that you brought up. First, no plan can guarantee anything for an addict who is not willing and who is incapable of honesty as the White Book states. Second, I am assuming the spiritual component, which is vital in my opinion, is taken care of within the 12 step arrangement with one's sponsor, the personal, active exercise of the spiritual disciplines, and the spiritual guidance with one's therapist. However, there is a necessary difference between spirituality and religiosity. Third, “Guaranteed Results” doesn't mean perfection; it means progress. There is allotment for slips and lapses in judgment; however, the goal is to have these slips and lapses (which can include missing meetings, ceasing phone calls, etc.) happen before and to be recognized long before one acts out—hence the importance of community. Fourth, true and real sobriety cannot really be proven until 2 years of clean living. Research has demonstrated that those who are able to obtain 2 or more years of sobriety relapse considerably less, according to Carnes. So in essence one doesn't really know if they are getting well (or that the Cancer is subsiding until 2 years of sober living). We all know about white knuckle living and that anything can be faked for a period of time (for some longer than others). And it is only after these two years that one begins to see reality as a daily experience, for anyone in their addiction does not see reality as we should. Furthermore, research also suggests that 90% of people in 12 step groups relapse. Fifth, I am speaking in gross generalities, and this basic structure will provide someone more serenity and progress. As a Christian, I can easily Christianize these things into the spiritual disciplines with supporting Scriptures. However, it would also be naïve to say that no non-Christian can become free of sexual addiction. There are plenty of people past and present (and even future) that will become free based on secularized Christian principles as I have given. Now the depth of that recovery and restoration can only be determined over time. Sixth, just as with any addict at any point one can easily swap addictions and that includes an addiction to religion or the rules and regulations of recovery as opposed to the spirit of recovery and restoration. Thus having switched addictions, the real work of the 12 steps and therapy are thwarted. Furthermore, I truly believe in a massive difference between being real and being authentic (post forthcoming). Seventh, as people we are made for community so we are not completely beyond human aid though we are beyond human aid alone. It is impossible to experience God's true power in its totality (which is what the addict needs) apart from true, authentic community, and God uses this community to teach us and help us in the renewing of our mind (cf. Rom 12:1-2). And finally, you are right that knowledge cannot keep us sober. In fact it cannot even help us attain any significant sobriety.

Thanks again Jesse for your comments!
http://purifyinggrace.com/ purifyinggrace

Hello VictoryIsPossible,

I definitely agree with you. My wife and I were talking the other night and she asked me, “What's different? Why the change and why now?” And as we talked, we talked about the beginnings of my recovery (which really wasn't a beginning in the first place). I simply attended church, attended Celebrate Recovery, and kept living almost as normal thinking that more Christian-like behavior would rectify the situation and remedy my soul. However, I was simply waiting for a miracle that God did not promise. I seriously thought that God would simply zap me and I would be free. However, God doesn't work like that per se though He may choose to do that with others—and if he really does, I don't know. I cannot say because I am not them and I am not Paul.

Simply, there is no quick fix. The Bible is clear that we have our part in the plan of redemption. God started it. God sustains it. God completes it. But we are Plan A and there is no Plan B as a friend of mine always says (though referring to something else). God clearing instructs us on his expectations and even how to achieve those expectations by the renewing of our mind (Rom 12:1-2) and the working out of our salvation (Phil 2:13). And it simply isn't more Christian stuff, but is authenticity, transparency, community, and counseling. As you probably know, our problem is a relational one. We have an intimacy disorder that includes relating with God. So we need to learn how to relate with God and we do this in community and relating with others via 12 step groups and group thereapy with the guidance of an experienced counselor.

Again, thank you for commenting! I look forward to more from you!
VictoryIsPossible

Wow. That is a great article. How encouraging that there is a solution that leads to life. I have been experiencing sexual sobriety about six years now and can validate this. It does take a lot of work but in that work comes a closer relationship with the Lord.

There seems to be a thread of thought through the church that says that it is all about relationship with the Lord and all that work and therapy stuff is therefore… unbiblical. Usually when I hear that I see a person that a) has been struggling, b) looking for a quick fix and c) seems to continue to flounder in their sexual sin. They appear to be waiting for a miraculous healing to fix their brokenness; unaware that they have already been given assignments by the Father.

I have found that I had my part to do and it involved a lot of challenging my wonky thinking. When I challenged my thinking (that was astray) my actions started to follow. When my actions followed my heart started to wake up and feel that love and relationship with the Father. That relationship leads me to more challenging of my thinking on a deeper level. It's a cycle. There is no question that my relationship with the Father is much better and deeper now than before. I still have a long way to go. With God's grace I will stay on his path.
Jesse

The focus on miraculous deliverance is compounded by the fact that, every once in a great while, people really do get delivered in a short time. And so when it's testimony time, those are the ones we hear, because they're the most dramatic. Struggling over a period of time is so much less appealing from a human perspective.

Bill W. actually had an experience like this, but it was found to be so far from the norm that the early AAs put a disclaimer in the Big Book warning newcomers not to expect it. I don't know why God does this for a handful of folks and not everyone else, but that's the way it is.

One thing I've found helpful is to compare the honest work of recovery to the exhausting slavery of active addiction. When using/acting out I was looking for the “easier, softer way,” but in reality it's recovery that is easier; it just doesn't come as naturally. Jesus said, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” He wasn't kidding!
http://purifyinggrace.com/ purifyinggrace

Hello Jesse,

Thanks for your wisdom. For the most part, I believe that you and I are, for the most part, on the same page. And I am very sorry that you have gone through the experiences that you have described. And frankly someone should have confronted you whether that should have been your sponsor or one of your peers in the group or 12 step meetings is debatable.

I guess I am assuming a lot of what you are saying, so let me set the record straight and be clear about some of the things that you brought up. First, no plan can guarantee anything for an addict who is not willing and who is incapable of honesty as the White Book states. Second, I am assuming the spiritual component, which is vital in my opinion, is taken care of within the 12 step arrangement with one's sponsor, the personal, active exercise of the spiritual disciplines, and the spiritual guidance with one's therapist. However, there is a necessary difference between spirituality and religiosity. Third, “Guaranteed Results” doesn't mean perfection; it means progress. There is allotment for slips and lapses in judgment; however, the goal is to have these slips and lapses (which can include missing meetings, ceasing phone calls, etc.) happen before and to be recognized long before one acts out—hence the importance of community. Fourth, true and real sobriety cannot really be proven until 2 years of clean living. Research has demonstrated that those who are able to obtain 2 or more years of sobriety relapse considerably less, according to Carnes. So in essence one doesn't really know if they are getting well (or that the Cancer is subsiding until 2 years of sober living). We all know about white knuckle living and that anything can be faked for a period of time (for some longer than others). And it is only after these two years that one begins to see reality as a daily experience, for anyone in their addiction does not see reality as we should. Furthermore, research also suggests that 90% of people in 12 step groups relapse. Fifth, I am speaking in gross generalities, and this basic structure will provide someone more serenity and progress. As a Christian, I can easily Christianize these things into the spiritual disciplines with supporting Scriptures. However, it would also be naïve to say that no non-Christian can become free of sexual addiction. There are plenty of people past and present (and even future) that will become free based on secularized Christian principles as I have given. Now the depth of that recovery and restoration can only be determined over time. Sixth, just as with any addict at any point one can easily swap addictions and that includes an addiction to religion or the rules and regulations of recovery as opposed to the spirit of recovery and restoration. Thus having switched addictions, the real work of the 12 steps and therapy are thwarted. Furthermore, I truly believe in a massive difference between being real and being authentic (post forthcoming). Seventh, as people we are made for community so we are not completely beyond human aid though we are beyond human aid alone. It is impossible to experience God's true power in its totality (which is what the addict needs) apart from true, authentic community, and God uses this community to teach us and help us in the renewing of our mind (cf. Rom 12:1-2). And finally, you are right that knowledge cannot keep us sober. In fact it cannot even help us attain any significant sobriety.

Thanks again Jesse for your comments!
http://purifyinggrace.com/ purifyinggrace

Hello VictoryIsPossible,

I definitely agree with you. My wife and I were talking the other night and she asked me, “What's different? Why the change and why now?” And as we talked, we talked about the beginnings of my recovery (which really wasn't a beginning in the first place). I simply attended church, attended Celebrate Recovery, and kept living almost as normal thinking that more Christian-like behavior would rectify the situation and remedy my soul. However, I was simply waiting for a miracle that God did not promise. I seriously thought that God would simply zap me and I would be free. However, God doesn't work like that per se though He may choose to do that with others—and if he really does, I don't know. I cannot say because I am not them and I am not Paul.

Simply, there is no quick fix. The Bible is clear that we have our part in the plan of redemption. God started it. God sustains it. God completes it. But we are Plan A and there is no Plan B as a friend of mine always says (though referring to something else). God clearing instructs us on his expectations and even how to achieve those expectations by the renewing of our mind (Rom 12:1-2) and the working out of our salvation (Phil 2:13). And it simply isn't more Christian stuff, but is authenticity, transparency, community, and counseling. As you probably know, our problem is a relational one. We have an intimacy disorder that includes relating with God. So we need to learn how to relate with God and we do this in community and relating with others via 12 step groups and group thereapy with the guidance of an experienced counselor.

Again, thank you for commenting! I look forward to more from you!