Previously, I shared someone else’s letter to their addiction. Today, I will share mine.
Dear Self,
Thanks for being my friend, my faithful friend over the many years. Since my pre-teen years, you have given me a way to deal with life coming through for me in a variety of forms from hatred, to anger, to competition, to compulsive masturbation, to lying, to cheating, to stealing, to internet pornography, to fantasy stories, to chat rooms, to replaying sexual memories and images again and again. I cannot lie; you’ve been there for me.
You’ve given me strength to deal with life when I didn’t know how to deal with life’s stresses. You’ve provided a way to cope and give me “hope.” You helped me concentrate, focus, and achieve through school. You’ve helped me avoid feelings and pain taking me down the easy path, the easy way out of things. However, because of these things, I didn’t learn how to live life well. Instead you’ve littered and cluttered my mind with awful images, thoughts, and sexual non-realistic plots. You have destroyed my life, my character, my wife, my family, and me. You have wasted my time, my money, and my potential. You have lied to me about me, about women, and about relationships. You have deceived me with false intimacy pushing me to choose vanity. You have jealously prevented any sort of real relationship destroying my relationship with my wife, my kids, and my God. You blinded me to destroy me.
So the time has come to say, “So long.” It is time for me to move on, grow up, take on new and better challenges. It has been fun and for a while I did enjoy our time together. However, there is no longer any room for you with me. I have found someone else, someone with whom there is truth, life, liberty, and joy in whom there is no shifting shadows or lying tongue. He won’t lie to me to protect me. Instead he will lead me in truth through affliction to mold me into a mature and whole man. I want to pursue endless dreams, know real authenticity and intimacy, and seek God’s will in my entire life. No longer will I believe in the lie of compartmentalization or character procrastination. I want to restore my life, my marriage, and experience true freedom in Jesus Christ. Not only do I want these things for myself, I want them for my family. My wife deserves a healthy me. My kids deserve a healthy me.
So you no longer have any control or power over me. You’re right! I cannot do this alone, but that is why Jesus, who will be with me and in me, will give me the desire and the power to carry out his will and work. There will be no more “last times” or “last hoorays.” There is no turning back, so…so long!
It’s over, and I leave you with this video!
Lyrics for MercyMe’s “So Long Self”:
Well if I come across a little bit distant
It’s just because I am
Things just seem to feel a little bit different
You understand
Believe it or not but life is not apparently
About me anyways
But I have met the One who really is worthy
So let me say
So long, self
Well, it’s been fun, but I have found somebody else
So long, self
There’s just no room for two
So you are gonna have to move
So long, self
Don’t take this wrong but you are wrong for me, farewell
Oh well, goodbye, don’t cry
So long, self
Stop right there because I know what you’re thinking
But no we can’t be friends
And even though I know your heart is breaking
This has to end
And come to think of it the blame for all of this
Simply falls on me
For wanting something more in life than all of this
Can’t you see
Don’t feel so bad (don’t feel so bad)
There’ll be better days (there’ll be better days)
Don’t go away mad (but by all means)
Just go away, go away
PG
