So I have been in recovery since 2010, and if I wanted, I probably could push this date back even further to about 2008 when I left seminary to come home for help or even 2004 when I first began to reach out to various counselors and church leaders. And if I really wanted to deceive myself, I could push it back to around 2000 when I was dealing with my porn problem with the Dean of Men at my Christian Bible College. However, the fact is that I have only been in recovery since 2010. The rest of it was me standing divided wanting to be free but also wanting pornography. However, I never wanted to be free so badly that I would forsake my high place.
So what happened? I don’t know. I really don’t. Something happened. When I trace back, all I can see that could mark the beginnings was a counseling appointment that I went to with my wife. She is in a group therapy and has to meet with her counselor periodically and this meeting was the 2nd time we met as a couple. So it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary though I was convinced that this session was going to be a beat down on me. Nervous. Cautious. I went anyways with a good heart.
I don’t really remember the meeting. I don’t recall any profound statement. My only takeaway was that I was doing nothing to make recompense to my wife for everything that I have done andthat I needed to do work aroundthat. So whenever I offend my wife doing whatever whether porn or something else, it was up to me to do the work of reconciliation and investigation. Simply, it was up to me to restore the relationship whereas in the past my wife would over-function and do all the work for herself and for me.
Then I went to Bethesda Workshops and had a challenging, exhausting, reviving, and exciting weekend of recovery. I remember the first day quite well, and we did what they called Continuums where there was a line that went from wall to wall in the room and they asked several questions about where you were in your recovery. I remember being extremely honest standing in the middle for my waivering or 3/4 positive. Later, another guy who I thought wasn’t going to make it revealed to me that he thought I wasn’t going to make it! How ironic.
Having returned from Bethesda, things continue to come together in my head faster than I can process, faster than I can record. I don’t know what it is except that I am doing the work whatever that is at the time. While I haven’t began the 12 step process within SAA or SA yet, I am doing lots of work at Bethesda, at group therapy, and within Carnes’s Facing the Shadow, a book that I cannot recommend enough!!
So simply, I just now have committed myself to good, solid recovery. Nervous. Cautious. Yet moving forward…
