I went to this Christian training institute, and I roomed with a guy from Arizona State University who became a dear friend of mine. One day we came into our hotel suite room after a long day of classes (8 to 5). He threw himself on his bed and said, “I think I’ll just let God love on me.” He then closed his eyes and went sleep, I think. I stood there in shock. I didn’t know what to do with that, so I left. So what does it mean to let God love on you, on me?
I still don’t have the slightest idea. I know all the theological answers like “God so loved the world that He gave His one and only begotten son” (John 3:16) or “While we were yet sinners Christ died for us’ ” (Rom 5:8). But what does that mean? What does it mean to let God love on me? What does it mean to receive His love?
So, I turned to the only sources I know. What does it mean to receive the love of my wife or my dad? Even that is extremely difficult for me. Do I even receive it? Do I ever think about it? I don’t. I take it for granted. Their love, frankly, means nothing to me. I just know they love me. It’s a cognitive thing. And if it means nothing, then have I really received it? Why is love such a blank slate for me? What do I want?
What did Rich Mullins mean when he called the Love of God “the wreckless raging fury?” Was he referring to God’s self abandonment to do whatever it takes to get us back? Was he referring to His divine jealousy? Or is God’s love angry or wrathful? I doubt it. I believe that he is referring to God’s zeal and fervor for those whom He loves. But what does that mean for me?
So what does it mean to be loved, to be intimate? It means being accepted. It is being fully known and being received as is. It is having gifts lavished onto me; gifts that I both need and want. It is being receive AS IS with no warranty and desparately broken. It means allowing oneself to be accepted.
As I write about this I have no emotional response, which I am so desparately trying to pull. Here’s what I believe love is for me. Every time I watch movies, especially good dramas, I am torn up inside. Take Rudy for example. I was all torn up by the team’s action when they all gave up their jersey for him. If in a room alone, I would cry, but I usually don’t let myself. That’s love.
For some reason, I have a merit based idea of love. If I haven’t done anything to earn someone’s love, then is it love? Can it be received and experienced? My wife tells me over and over that she loves me. She tells me that not leaving me, which is her heart’s desire, is loving me. I am not so sure. Can just actions apart from feelings/emotion be love? If she doesn’t want to stay, which is what I think, then is she loving me by staying? I know I don’t receive it as such. Just as she doesn’t receive many of thew things I do as love.
But there is more. It also means that He doesn’t just leave me where I am. He doesn’t leave me in my waste. He brings me along and begins to help me, chasten me, discipline me, and restore me. This part I know I don’t care so much for. I am a fool for despising this, I know. But seriously who likes being disciplined? I know some may say, “It reminds me that I belong to God as a legitimate child,” but seriously my rebelliousness really hates this.
I’ve heard it said again and again, but first in THE RAGAMUFFIN GOSPEL by Brenan Manning, “There is nothing you can do to make God love you less and there is nothing you can do to make God love you more.” I know this but have I felt this? Have I allowed myself to feel loved and accepted by God? God cannot be pushed away unlike people. No matter what I do I cannot push him out of my life. He’s there. But he isn’t just there. He’s there for me. He is there to support me. But I just leave him with his unrequitted love, yet he remains. I continue down my insane path of sin, death, and destruction worshipping at its alter, yet He loves me the same. How? Why? Even when I did good thing after good thing to build myself on a pedastool, He loved me the same. How? Why?
I have done nothing to earn his love and attention, so why does he plague me with it? I know I want nothing more than His love so why do I kick against it? Why do I push and shove Him around and try to remove Him from my life? Won’t He just leave and let me be right? No! He remains.
I have been fighting God for at least 9 years, and I got a feeling that I am about to end up like Jacob did when He wrestled with the angel of the Lord. I got a feeling that He’s going to body-slam me one more time, and I hope he sticks around because He’ll need to put me back together.
I’ve had more and more conversations where I feel that I am going to have an emotional meltdown, but somehow I am able to stop it. Somehow I am able to put myself back together again and move forward.
So I am excited yet scared to death of God and His love. Just as CS Lewis said in the Chronicles of Narnia, “No, he’s not safe, but He’s good.” I have no problems with the first part, but I doubt the second part. He may be good, but is He good as I define good? And yet that is problematic because theologically can abyone define good better than God? Oh dear!
