Hardcore Accountability & Guidelines to Find the Right Accountability Partner

NOTE: This post has been updated and separated into two blog posts: 28 Strong Accountability Measures For Pornography (and All?) Addicts and Guidelines to Find the Right Accountability Partner. Please click on these links for the most up-to-date information.

My blogging acquaintance from Porn to Purity wrote a fantastic blog called “Hard Core Accountability,” and this is a must read. For convenience sake, I have decided to re-post his post below with some of my own additions (in red). Jeff writes,

Accountability is giving an accounting of your actions.  It is an added structure to a part of your life that is broken, weak, or one you simply want to get better.Sometimes hard-core accountability is needed, when a person has gone deep into sexual sin or has broken trust.  Sometimes the person has messed up the relationships and the trust so bad that extreme measures need to be taken to help the person find stability again.

In the recovery groups I’ve been a part of, here are some things measures that some guys had to setup in their lives to stop the lying and stop the behaviors.

STRONG ACCOUNTABILITY MEASURES
1.  Credit card reports need to be examined <-Extremely invasive, but extremely good!
2.  Cell phone log needs to be examined
2a.Text messages must be examined compared with to phone records.
3.  No access to Internet or TV without password
3a. Monitoring software placed on the PC (i.e., X3, SafeEyes, Covenant Eyes)
4.  No cash allowed PERIOD!
4a. Bring back ALL receipts, not matter what, offering them to your spouse.
5.  Person needs to call before/after work or errands
5a. Keep a long book of addresses & times in the car. For example, MY HOUSE 5:15, 73,564 miles // Church (123 ABC Rd) 5:23, 73,569 miles.
6.  Separation / kicked out of house
6a. Live-In Separation: Live separately under one roof with no sexual contact (though much harder!).
7.  Person or couple must go to intensive counseling
8.  Person must go to a live-in recovery program
9. Call/text your accountability/mentor 5 times a day (and leave voicemail if needed).
9a. Call someone different for each day of the week.
10. Spiritual spotting where you MUST show your journal to your accountability/mentor.
11. Consider something you love and give it to your accountability partner as a consequence (i.e., a guy I know loves his X-Box and gives it up [for a pre-determined period of time] any time he does fall)

REMINDERS ABOUT ACCOUNTABILITY
It’s important to remember that heavy accountability is not going to cure a person.  It just helps him have a strong structure in his life so he can work on his problems better.  Real recovery work is done in the heart. That’s God’s territory. Accountability should be set up with the redemption of the person in mind.  Yes, the behaviors need to stop.  But the whole person needs to be healed.

Accountability can be done by a spouse, but it can be incredibly difficult on them.  Many experts recommend someone of the same gender assisting, or even a professional helping. (Emphasis mine.)

Jeff has restored my idea of accountability; however, finding the right person can be quite difficult. Here are some suggestions in finding the right person.

1. Must be of same gender. (see above)
2. Must be someone you trust. Even this is not a guarantee that you will not have the door shut on you.
3. Try to pick someone who is at your stage or further along than you (though this is not always possible).
4. Pick someone you like. There is “nothing worse” than meeting with someone you don’t like.
5. Pick someone with the same or similar struggle. While addiction is addiction, it is easier to relate to another porn addict than it is to an alcoholic or a drug addict. However, that is not to say that we cannot learn from a recovered alcoholic or drug addict. It’s just different in many different ways.

John Baker makes these suggestions in his book Life’s Healing Choices::

1. Does he or she have a growing relationship with Jesus Christ? Do you see the character of Christ developing in this person?
2. Does this person’s walk and talk match? Some Christians can quote the Bible, chapter and verse, but their lifestyle does not match their talk.  Be certain that the person you choose to share your journey with is someone whose life is worthy of imitation.
3. Is he or she a good listener? Do you sense that this person honestly cares about what you have to say?
4. Does he or she show compassion, concern, and hope, but not pity? You don’t need someone to feel sorry for you, but you do need someone who can be sensitive to your pain.
5. Is this person strong enough to confront your denial or procrastination? Does he or she care enough about you and your progress to challenge you?  There is a difference between helping others and trying to fix others.  You need to be careful to guard the relationship from becoming unhealthy or codependent.
6. Does he or she offer suggestions? Sometimes we need help in seeing options or alternatives that we are unable to find on our own.
7. Can this person share his or her own past and current struggles with you? Is this person willing to open up and be vulnerable and transparent with you?

Celebrate Recovery and other 12-step groups make a major distinction between having an accountability partner and a sponsor. Celebrate Recovery  states that there should be prerequisites for accountability partners. They are:

• Actively attending Celebrate Recovery meetings.
• Sharing a similar area of recovery.
• Must be same sex.
• Developing deeper relationship with Christ.
• Demonstrating growth in their recovery.

They also state that there are prerequisites for sponsors. They are:

• Completed CR Step Study Group / Completed the 12 Steps.
• One continuous year of sobriety / abstinence.
• Actively attending Celebrate Recovery meetings.
• Have their own Sponsor and Accountability Team.
• Must be same sex as Sponsee.

Here is a comparison chart of Accountability Partners and Sponsors (by CR).

**Sadly, the Celebrate Recovery material doesn’t say that the sponsor will pray for the Sponsoree (<-Is that a word?).
One thing I do like about the CR material is that it says, “A sponsor is like having a personal weight/exercise trainer. An Accountability Partner is someone you go with to the gym.”

Related posts:

1. Guidelines to Find the Right Accountability Partner
2. Accountability: What's the Point?
3. Wives as Accountability Partners
4. Strong Accountability Measures For Pornography (and All?) Addicts
5. Update: Tragedy of Online Accountability for Cell Phones

Tagged as: Accountability for Porn Addicts, Guidelines, Hardcore