RAM is an acronym for Random Access Memory. It is the part of the computer that helps process the programs that are running while the computer is running. It controls the tasks at hand, and there is a limit to that memory. My cell phone has a low level of RAM and is constantly freezing. I do two things when this happens: (1) Close programs that are running (my smartphone can have more than one program running simultaneously) and (2) Delete my text messages. This immediately clears space for the RAM to begin working and the phone to begin working properly.
And this Christmas, we spent time with my in-laws. They had “high speed internet” which was a mere 2MB bandwidth. With three immediate families there, we had three laptops all trying to connect to the internet. So as soon as one person began downloading anything it would almost automatically freeze up another person. Eventually the bandwidth was taken up so that all the laptops were unable to connect to the internet. It was maxed out and eventually two of us would just close our laptops leaving the third person excited and surprised that their internet was working.
Both of these serve as good examples to what I believe is happening with me. I have so much stuff in my head that it crowds out important things because there is only so much room. Whether it is my preoccupation with pornography or a lie or two (not that I ever told any) that would compound to three or four (but rarely more than say 10-20 <-sarcasm). So eventually I have to remember reality, truth, the lies, who I told what, what cover-up was used and the amount of details that were given, etc. etc. Furthermore, I am always reading a book here and there and I am always learning more about my work and my job, so needless to say that my mind is on overload! My ability to process and my emotional bandwidth has plateaued.
Being overloaded, I am tired…always tired…more tired than I typically am. I am falling asleep almost at any time at any place. I am lethargic and at times simply unable to do anything (but not from depression per se). So now I am managing my professional life, my home life, and my addictive life along with my emotional baggage of guilt and shame all the while comparing myself against my high Christian standards and values.
When I first really entered recovery only recently, my wife’s counselor told us to clear our plates even if that meant not going to church for children’s choir or the Sunday night service or AWANAS or whatever. At first, I didn’t really understand this and didn’t really care to cut anything out. Actually I added to my plate and overloaded my plate just as a hungry starving person would overload their plate at an all you can eat buffet where their eyes are much bigger than their stomach. Only recently have I finished projects, walked away from opportunities and began to push things off my plate. I have delayed doing things that I wanted to do and wanted to learn. This is so that I can free up space in my RAM or in my emotional bandwidth. And I am beginning to need a simple system reboot, so that changes can take effect.
