Lies

George Castanza once said, “It’s not a lie if you believe it.” Wordnet at Princeton.edu defined a lie as “the deliberate act of deviating from the truth.” Wikipedia defines lie as:

A lie (also called prevarication), is a type of deception in the form of an untruthful statement, especially with the intention to deceive others, often with the further intention to maintain a secret or reputation, protect someone’s feelings or to avoid a punishment. To lie is to state something that one knows to be false or that one has not reasonably ascertained to be true with the intention that it be taken for the truth by oneself or someone else.

So what is lying? Samuel V. Burton, Professor of Philosophy at Southern Mississippi (originally here, but now broken) wrote,

A common temptation is to define a lie as a statement that isn’t true. But a little reflection will show that things are more complicated than this. Telling stories or jokes is not lying, even when falsehoods are involved, at least when the audience knows them for what they are. The same holds for exaggerations that are readily seen to be such. So, we might say that lying is the telling of falsehoods to people who don’t know that what one is saying is false. This is closer, but is still too broad because it leaves out an important qualification. One can say something false because one is mistaken or otherwise confused and the result is not a lie, but simply an error. Or suppose one says something untrue to check whether a microphone or tape recorder is working, and the remark happens to be overheard. What’s left out so far is the fact that lying is intentional – it is done specifically to get someone else to believe something that is false.
The intent to deceive is crucial, as can be seen when one final wrinkle is considered. Imagine someone who says something to another, believing it to be false, though it happens to be true. (Suppose that not wanting you to know where I put the keys to my car, I tell you that they’re in my desk when I in fact put them on the coffee table, but unbeknownst to me my roommate put them in my desk while tidying up the living room.) In such a case one lies even though what is said is in fact true. The importance of such (admittedly rare) cases is that they show that strictly speaking truth and falsity is not the issue. Rather, the intent to deceive is what is crucial. So lying is, on standard definitions, saying something one believes to be false with the intent to deceive

Many when trying to define lying revert to the types of lies (i.e. Roman Catholics & Thomas Aquinas & Augustine). When you look up Lie at Wikipedia.com, Wikipedia notes different types of lies (besides Wikipedia, one of the best websites about lying is from Changes1611.). They are (with some additions):

1. Fabrication (Black Lies): a statement as truth, without knowing for certain whether or not it actually is true; it is something made up, or it is a misrepresentation of the truth.
2. Bold-face Lie (often also referred to as bare-faced or bald-faced, although all three have slightly different meanings): a statement that is obvious to all concerned that it is a lie.
3. Lying by Omission: simply omitting an important fact, deliberately leaving another person with a misconception.
4. Lie-to-Children (Paternalistic): often a platitude which may use euphemism(s), which is told to make an adult subject acceptable to children.
5. White Lie: typically offers some benefit to the hearer used to avoid offense.
6. Noble Lie: offers some benefit to the liar and assists in an orderly society…often told to maintain law, order and safety.
7. Emergency Lie: a strategic lie told when the truth may not be told because, for example, harm to a third party would result.
8. Perjury: the act of lying or making verifiably false statements on a material matter under oath or affirmation in a court of law, or in any of various sworn statements in writing.
9. Bluffing: to pretend to have a capability or intention which one does not actually possess.
10. Misleading/Dissembling: no outright lie, but still retains the purpose of getting someone to believe in an untruth…the presentation of facts in a way that is literally true, but intentionally misleading.
11. Exaggeration (see also hyperbole): a statement that is true only to a certain degree, though not to that which is told.
12. Minimization: a statement that is true entirely, but tends to downplay the severity of the act. Often times used with rationalization and excuses. This could also be coupled with Lying by Omission.
13. Jocose Lie: those which are meant in jest, and are usually understood as such by all present parties (ie. teasing, sarcasm).
14. Contextual Lie: A statement that contains only part of the truth out of context, knowing that without complete information, it gives a false impression.
15. Puffery: an exaggerated claim typically found in advertising and publicity announcements.
16. Lying in Trade: the advertisement untrue facts about the product or service in order to gain sales
17. Lie by Obselete Signage: the continued use of old stationery that has printed information which is not out-of-date.

Augustine wrote two books on lying and had a hierarchy of lies (of which jocose lying was not part). They are in increasing severity:

• Lies that harm no one and that save someone’s “purity.”
• Lies that harm no one and that save someone’s life.
• Lies that harm no one and that help someone.
• Lies told to “please others in smooth discourse.”
• Lies told for the pleasure of lying.
• Lies that harm others and help someone.
• Lies that harm others and help no one.
• Lies in religious teaching.

I am not here to debate what is lying etc. I will leave that up to the philosophers and theologians (even though I am technically a theologian, I will leave that to another discussion). Now as an addict, I probably play favorite to the following: Fabrication, Bold-face Lies, Lying by Omission, White Lies, Misleading/Dissembling, & Minimization. While I am not proud of these, I have begun to recognize that I tend towards these types of lies. Knowing this I can and will begin to hopefully stop the lying. However, this does not discover the root cause of the reasons I am lying. But regardless, the lies have to stop! I have to stop lying and not only commit myself to not looking at porn but telling and speaking the truth about myself, about my actions, about the consequences, everything.

The biggest of these lies is the Lying by Omission. I constantly convince myself that I am not lying to my wife if I don’t tell her everything. This type of lying gets me in trouble more and faster than the other lies. This is also the type of lying that is often promoted by counselors and mentors. “Well, you don’t have to tell her everything.” Or, “Yes, you should tell her if she asks, but don’t go telling her everything. She doesn’t need to know all that.” Or, “Remember, step 9 tells us, ‘We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.’ So this would probably do her harm.” No! These statements are a complete misunderstanding of step 9 in my opinion. First, it clearly says “injure” which is physical in nature; however, I know many that expand this to emotional and mental. Second, who am I to determine what will or will not harm my wife? Of course she will be hurt by it! It’s virtual adultery! But that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t tell her. I believe this is a complete cop-out (as I said here).

Or, “This would do her more harm than good.” Seriously doubtful. Imagine going to the doctor for a broken bone, a compound fracture where the bone is sticking out. Now imagine the doctor saying, “We cannot reset the bone because it will be very painful.” Heck no! Fix it! If we are seriously aimed at the long term, short term pain is necessary, no matter how immense and how dark. The bone must be forcibly reset with extreme pain before it can heal properly. Now, if we want a marriage that won’t heal properly, then sure, let’s sweep it under the rug (which is my tendency, and thankfully I have a wife that does not let me and helps me talk through things). However, if we do want a vibrant marriage in the future, then we must clear the air, bring forth the problems/issues, and talk about them. And! the verse that is often given in support to step 9 is Matthew 5:23-24, which says, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother [or sister] has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother [or sister]; then come and offer your gift.” This verse does not qualify what we should say. It simply says to be reconciled. So omitting something to our wives or ex-wives is not reconciling; it is placing a bandage over the broken bone without treating the issue. It will eventually be revisited, usually at the most inconvenient time. God’s funny like that because he wants us to be holy or something, so there cannot be hidden sin anywhere. Then the wound will need to be re-opened, bone finally set correctly (which is more painful), then re-bandaged to heal (which may take longer).

I am NOT any good at this WHATSOEVER! In fact, I am quite horrible at this, but the more I think about it, the more I think my wife (and others like her; a good example is Clay and Renee Cross) are right.