The fifth statement to be answered is:
It frustrates me when God wants me to…
To me, something I have struggled with for years is the biblical command(s) “Be holy as the Lord your God is holy” or “Be perfect as I am perfect.” I don’t need the 10 commandments to determine that I don’t measure up. These statements alone suffice. How can I be holy? How can I be perfect?
When I was a child I was taken to a psychologist because my parents were concerned about my perfectionistic tendencies, which makes my wife laugh because I am no where close to perfect about anything or to her I am perfectionistic on the strangest things (to her non-consequential things). For example when I was younger, I would re-write my notes entirely if there was a mistake on the paper or if someone else dabbled on my paper. Another example is that if I did not get the highest grade in the class, usually a 100, especially in math, I would be tremendously upset. I remember in high school, I took the AP Calculus BC as a junior and I expected to make a 5 (the highest possible score, equals 8 hours of college calculus), but once I finished the exam I was so angry because I knew I only got a 4 (which is still full credit, 8 hours). I stumbled over one of the written questions and began re-working it too late (and I knew the answer!). But I was a junior taking my first AP exam. Why did I choke? That’s explainable, but why was I so angry? Why did I “disappear” for the day (went out on the family boat without telling anyone)? Because I expected perfection from myself, especially in things that I was good (like math). It didn’t matter that I was the only junior ever at the school. It didn’t matter that I was taking my first AP exam. I expected perfection in everything I did well. But why was I perfectionistic in some things, and not in others? The reason is this: if I cannot achieve perfection, why should I even try? This carried over well in my English classes. In honors I was making low B’s, borderline C’s. It wasn’t that I didn’t try for I would study 3-4 hours a night in English alone, and not do Math homework. But I dropped the class for an easy A in college prep English. Now back to the question…Why even engage in the holiness/sanctification process? To me this is extremely frustrating.
In my head, I answer, “That’s right! Travis, you’ve nailed it on the head.” You see while God wants us to be perfect, He knows we cannot be. Only Jesus has and only Jesus was. But for me to be perfect and to do the work of God, all I need to do is believe.
However, my heart says, “No! That’s not fair! Why challenge us with something that you know we’re going to fail!?” Again, why should I even engage? Why should I try? There has got to be something more than simple (yet tough) faith.
I do know though that caring and trying lead me to frustration, guilt, shame, and humility. I am frustrated because I know what I ought to do but don’t do it. Guilt because I am either not doing what I should or doing something I shouldn’t. Shame because I am a disgrace to my own name and reputation and a huge disappointment to those who know me. And humility because I cannot get out of this mess alone. It might not even be humility, maybe a complete and utter loss of self-esteem. Maybe it’s embarrassment. Maybe it’s internal self-abasement. I don’t know. Regardless, it leads to being or feeling desperate.
Why can’t I believe that all it takes is simple faith, nothing more, nothing less. Why is this so frustrating when it doesn’t have to be?
