The sixth question states: I really enjoy God when…
This is a very difficult question for me on one hand but on the other hand this question is very easy. When I went to college, I joined a Bible Study with Campus Crusade for Christ during summer school. About two weeks into it, I was asked to teach the Bible Study, only after being a Christian for about 2 years. Then I discovered my calling to be a teacher of the Word of God. So I decided to transfer from the public state university to a private Bible College. After Bible College I went on to Seminary. Simply, I enjoy God the most when I am studying and teaching the Word of God. Then I feel the closest to Him. I really feel God every time I teach. I feel His presence, His blessing, and His goodness. I am energize, excited, and enthusiastic. It’s as if I come alive. It’s as if I am doing what God made me to do. Then I really enjoy God.
However, because of my sin, I has currently and temporarily disqualified myself from ministry and teaching. So now, I don’t feel enjoyment with God, or if I do, it’s rare, few and far between. This tears me up inside for my enjoyment of God should not depend on what I can or cannot do. I should be able to feel God and enjoy God without any action. Just as Jonathan Edwards and John Piper preach, my affections should delight in God. In Piper’s words, I should be a Christian Hedonist (which I first strongly disagreed with but have since thought more and more that Piper may be right), that is, I should seek out to be and find pleasure in God (see Desiring God for more). However, the fact is…as much as I don’t like it…right now I don’t enjoy God. I find it very difficult to even pick up the Bible. At night I will sit there and stare at the Bible thinking that I should read it and don’t. Instead, I’ll rationalize, distract, ignore, and flee (or just sleep). Sometimes, more times than I’d like to admit, I have a hard-heart against God, against others. I am so self-centered and self-focused and self-absorbed. And in my guilt, sadness, depression, anxiety, shame, and disappointment, I find myself stuck and apathetic and lazy and tired and exhausted. Simply, I cannot do it. I cannot move forward. I alone cannot change. I wish for nothing more than to be “well” if you will. I wish for nothing more than God to take my predicament and struggle and sin away. But just as Paul’s thorn in the flesh was not removed, I do not expect God to remove this from me. Maybe this is a lack of faith; maybe not. Maybe this is giving up; maybe not. Regardless, I need help. I need Jesus to eradicate or protect me, carry me, lead me, keep me, and motivate me from sexual sin.
Lord, I want to enjoy you more. Teach me kindly how to do that more. Amen.
