My First Sexaholics Anonymous Meeting

The other day, I went to my first Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) Meeting. It is a very interesting group, and very private group. Celebrate Recovery, though “Anonymous,” advertises and stands rather proud. It is hard to be a church goer and people not know you go to Celebrate Recovery. Furthermore, usually the shame that is often associated within the church, even churches that support their Celebrate Recovery Ministries, is still great. The only way that I was able to obtain a list of where the groups were located was through my wife who got the list from her therapist. However, come to find out, there are ways to find them online or through the phone. In case you are interested, their contact information is:

Sexaholics Anonymous International Central Office
PO Box 3565
Brentwood, TN 37024

E-mail: saico@sa.org
Phone: (615) 370-6062
Toll-free: (866) 424-8777
Fax: (615) 370-0882

However, today was my first meeting, and we went through a lot of readings including their 12 steps, and some other readings. Primarily, we went through their 4th tradition of their 12 traditions, which is basically from Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). The principle of the 4th tradition states:

Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or Sexaholics Anonymous as a whole.

While the meeting was actually more interesting than boring (though the story of the 4th tradition was quite dated and almost irrelevant), they were apologetic for the vast reading through their autonomy tradition. This was appropriate and good for a newcomer (because of one the members said to me sarcastically, “Oh boy, did you choose a grand day to be your first day!”) because it gave them the apportunity to tell me the differences between this “fellowship” (as they called it) and the others that some of them attend, which was good to hear.

Here were some other take-aways from this first meeting:

1. I have the right to be wrong, and we as a group have the right to be wrong without anyone directing or telling us this. Trial and error is actually a safe method for the group as a whole. One guy (a sponsor) said, “I should/can let others be wrong for it is not my job to show them that they are wrong. There is only one God, and I am not he. There is actually very little among SA members that they can do to really threaten me.” This I thought to be a great perspective because very often we want to control others and control how they do the 4th inventory step or this tool or that tool, and frankly, the mantra of the SA group, however new age, is what worked for you may not work for me.
2. When 2-3 are gathered, they can called themselves a SA group if they have no other affiliations.
3. My sexual addiction is both a short-term solution and a long-term solution. Still trying to think through this one…but this being the case, then it requires two different, yet simultaneous approaches.
4. Live in TODAY, one day at a time, yet recognize TOMORROW is coming. This is something that I found very interesting because typically I can live one day at a time (rather, I should say, one hour at a time); however, I rarely consider tomorrow (or the future both near and far), which is something that I need to do. I need think ahead and look out for sobriety hazards and plan.
5. One guy said, “When I first started coming, I came to manage my complaint level. However, that has changed now.” What a great statement! That was definitely true of me several years ago when I only dabbled in coming to Celebrate Recovery.

So what was it like being the new guy in a SA group? Now, I’ve been to Celebrate Recovery meetings that have a Purity Group (though due to the size [typically anywhere from 2-8 people all of which are rather inconsistent in their attendance], they sometimes join the A-Z Group or Co-Dependency Group); however, this one was different. I was still nervous and felt out of place. At the start of the meeting, after the readings, we went around the group introducing ourselves (“Hello, I’m Bob…” to which everyone says, “Hey Bob.”), the nature of our addiction (“and I am a sex addict…” or “porn addict…” or “I am addicted to masturbation…” etc), our sobriety date (all of them gave an exact date, not length or time sober, though some said this immediately after their date, e.g., “April 8, 2009; 1 year and x days”), and the things we have done to act out whether that be pornography, masturbation, sex with whomever, orientation, etc. Apparently, that last part changes because they often said after the first two, “What are we doing today?” While every group is autonomous and reflects the general leadership of that specific group, so that last part probably changes from group to group. Then when you are finished introducing yourself, everyone says, “Thank you Bob.”

However, it was good that everyone in the group struggled with some sort of sexual addiction. So they all understand where I am coming from regardless of the depth of the sexual addiction. Yet, since my struggle is only with pornography (not trying to minimize), I felt as though people were thinking that, since I am the new person, I was either lying about the depth of my problem or that I am being petty for only coming for pornography and masturbation. However, I know in my head that I am projecting my thoughts and feelings on to them, and that they were completely welcoming for they encouraged me to come back. However, during the share time, which was only about 15 minutes because we properly spent time honoring a guy who crossed the 1 year threshold, there were many comments directed towards me. They went out of their way to explain the 12 steps and 12 traditions as founded upon Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). So after every reading the facilitator would speak directly to me regarding what they were doing and one or two others would chime in. Every time someone spoke they either said, “I’m Bob and I am a sexaholic” or “I’m Randy and I am a sex addict,” etc. And afterwards, everyone said, “Hi Bob,” or whatever their name was. But this happened every time someone spoke about whatever. Then when they finished, they said, “Pass.” It was kind of funny that even during the general share time, everyone who spoke about their addiction, also said something directly to me about SA and what it has done for them and how I should give it a chance.

The guy who extended the invitation to me said that I should visit about 4-5 times before making a decision as to whether I should continue or not. I think I’ll do that.