My Problem with Books about Porn Addiction Updated!

So my wife and I were talking and we both have gotten to the point where we really dislike reading books about people’s stories. Well that’s not entirely true, we do like reading them and some have been quite helpful (i.e., Clay and Renee Crosse’s book). But we have just reached the point where everything they say seems to be the same. There is no diversity. Here’s why. Most of those books are written while people are through the mess, through the chaos, through the hell. So when they turn back and write about the 5-15 years of hell before recovery and then the time of confession to the time of the writing of the book (anywhere from 3-5 years), several things happen. First, they have forgotten how hard it was except to talk about it in generalities. Not that they have forgotten per se, for surely people don’t forget that kind of abandonment or devastation or pain or disappointment. But that they choose to focus on where they are now and the positive rather than dwell on the specific feelings they felt at the time.  Also maybe they feel there is not time to go into all the feelings they felt or that the feelings were just that feelings.  Second, they are unable to talk about the pain, the emotion, etc. because it is too fresh, too hard, too difficult or it’s too private or something. Or, that the feelings were such a long time ago they are able to overlook them. Things are so much better for them now that they can move past those horrible feelings or just brush over them by simply speaking of the betrayal rather than the fact that she might have thrown a plate at her husband. Third, the editor or the publishing company does not want the book to be too long, so they cut that material thinking that the advice or whatever is the most important part of the book. However, that is far from the case!

I would like to read a book that talks about the hell of recovery in detail. I would like my wife to read a book by a woman who was in des[pair and tells about how she dealt properly, or even improperly, with the depression, the anger, the confusion, the betrayal, etc. in detail. And yes, both need to talk about what they did and how they did it. Since I cannot speak to the female/wife side very well, let me talk about the guy side. Why not have a book that speaks about the first weeks and months after the first time they told their wife? Why not have the book reveal the horror and the pain that followed, not just in generalities? For example, most women go through stages of reaction when dealing with their husband's porn issue. Of course there is the denial stage (usually this is when she suspects he's doing "something" but cannot put her finger on it and before he confesses). Then there is the outright anger stage. Then there is the policing and micro-managing stage. Then there is the depression stage usually coupled with feelings of inadequacy, shame, even guilt, and feelings of being used. While these stages are not necessarily linear, they are real.

So where are the books that talk about these stages? Take for example, we wake up and my wife is simply angry at me, angry at the sight of me, etc. Clay and Renee Crosse's book comes very close (and is the best [in this regard] that I’ve read so far) in I Surrender All: Rebuilding A Marriage Broken By Pornography; however, it feels as though the issue is glossed over. Where is the book that talks about this very frequent issue: “Today, I looked at pornography at work, so now I do not want to go home to talk to my wife about it. What do I do?” Or “Today, I looked at pornography, so now I am dreading her return home. What do I do?” Or “Tonight, I looked at pornography, so now I really don’t want to go to bed and lie next to her. What do I do?” Each of these instances take on different forms throughout one’s addiction and recovery. While some books do speak to portions of these questions, esp. the stages or initial reactions, what appears to be missing is the day to day of this or that happening and my proper or improper reactions hopefully showing implicitly how the improper reactions were remedied.

Let’s take this website I found, Everyday Health (here, here, here). They have discussion forums for wives who are “Disappointed with their husband’s porn addiction,” and many of the comments I can relate! However, there is no good advice, no empathy, or anything on the site, from my quick reading of it. Here are some quotes:

Lilypod54 writes,

hi, this is my first time at this.  I am up at 230 in the morning.  I came downstairs to get a drink and lord behold , there he was for the 100th time on the computer watching pornography.  I am so sick of this.  I just left him this past wk end because I caught him searching porn sites with me in the room. He goes to sa meetings,  but the lies keep coming.  This pornography is eating away at my soul.    I have been with this man for 8 yrs.  it has been one porn issue after another.  When my sister passed away I was in a terrible place and i needed him desperatly and once again i walked in on him masterbating to pictures.  Before i knew of his problem I even let him take pictures of me.  I am no prude but i feel cheap and used.   He is always sorry.  I am so sick of it.  I dont think i can do this anymore.   I feel lost and abandoned and  mentally ill.  His watching pornography was a facter in his losing his last job I so not think he has any shame.  Please someone help me to make sence of it aall.

Siren77 writes,

I completely understand everyone’s pain. I’ve been dealing with my husband’s porn addiction throughout our entire relationship (he started looking at porn as a young teenager) and I’m just so angry and confused. I’m so sick of feeling inadequate, especially since there’s no reason for me to feel inadequate. My husband watches teen porn and won’t give me an explanation as to why he prefers it over me. I’m very attractive, thin, in shape, and extremely young looking (I’m 30, but I still get carded when I buy cigarettes) and I’m used to getting a lot of male attention. Every time my husband’s friends or coworkers meet me, they comment to my husband on how “hot” I am. When this happens, he seems really proud to have a sexy wife, but he still doesn’t want to have sex with me–he just wants to gawk at his porn.
I’m not saying this to be conceited, I’m saying it because I’m trying to explain how pissed off and confused I am that my husband prefers porn to me despite the fact that I’m more attractive than a lot of the girls in the photos and movies. It simply doesn’t make sense, and it’s tearing me up inside. If I had let myself go and was constantly wearing baggy sweatpants and curlers in my hair, I would understand it. But instead I’m a young, sexy, beautiful woman whose husband doesn’t want to touch her.

Kindredfyre wrote,

I am excited that I am not alone on this same subject! I’ve been with my husband for almost 7 years and married for 4 of those. We have a good relationship and two wonderful kids. I have tried for years now to explain how I feel about him and masturbation because I feel it’s wrong and the equivilant to cheating. You’re still seeing a woman naked, doing things, and you’re getting off on her esentially. I see no difference in watching porn and seeing another woman in person. It makes me feel so miserable and fed up it’s insane. I’ll go through depression again because of it and I am totally turned off by him for it. I can come home and not even look at the computer and know what he’s done. I can see it, I can smell it, I can feel his tension making sure he covered his tracks that day.

I used to take pride in myself by applying makeup, styling my hair instead of a random pony tail, wearing sexy panties for him etc. Now, I can care less. He obviously doesn’t give a damn about what I’m feeling or anything. I’ve talked to him countless times about this and he always says, “I have anger and frustration built up.” That’s a damn cop-out. He got a new Xbox and I thought that would replace the porn. Oh no, I was wrong. Everyday like clockwork. I’m not sure how much I can take at this point. I have anger and frustration too but you don’t see me looking at other men. I never watch porn becuase then I’d be no better than him. It’s wrong if you’re married and have someone to have sex with. I don’t cheat, I make sure he has clean clothes, I clean the house, I take care of the kids, I work 8 hrs a day at my job, I make sure bills are paid, I make sure dinner and meals are done, I make sure everything is done so he has less stress thinking that would help things. Nope, wrong again. Even now, I know what he did today and I’m already dreading going home to it! Ugh.

Stressed in PA

Tina_rdl wrote,

I just found this site today. I too am glad that I am not alone in this fight. My husband and I have been married for 14 years. I left him over his porn addiction. He preferred looking at teenage girl on the net. I’m 37 years old and I feel like my best years were really deprived because of his habit. I left him and we were separated for a year. We reconciled and have been back together now for almost a year. He swore that the shock and pain of losing his daughter and I changed him completely. And I have kept my eyes open to evidence of him doing it. He seems completely different, more affectionate and seems to truly love and want me now. I have only been able to have sex with him 3 times since I have been back and hated it then. He seems changed…but now I am the one still hurting. When he touches me I see the pictures that I used to catch him looking at (over sleeping with me) and I wonder why does he want me now?  We have a 14 year old daughter to think of and I just want peace in our lives. But I am in such pain and I don’t know how to get past it. It seems like no matter how hard he trys to make it right, I just can’t look at him the same.
I also think if we separated again it would be hard for me to trust any man again. They seem to all have a “dog” side.

hurting in Alabama

OverandOverAgain wrote,

I just recently turned to the internet for some answers to why my husband continues to lie & betray me.  When I read your post i had to laugh (believe me, not in a funny way, it’s just SO familiar).

We’ve been together for 13 years, married for 10, have 3 children.  To my knowledge he started watching porn about 2 years ago.  I have begged him to stop & explained to him that it’s so hurtful to me.  He denies it, then gets defensive, then blames me, then promises to never to it again, then does it AGAIN!

I too have recently experienced the loss of his erection & the excuse of “leg cramps”.  It was bad enough that I cringe when he touches me because I can’t compete with (nor should I ever have to) the overf***ed women he likes so much to watch.  I do nothing anymore to take care of myself, as I see no point.

However, yesterday I came across something that has really thrown me, even for him – my HUSBAND and father of my children is on Match.com.  No problem, I will be his “perfect” match & hope for a date in the near future

Hurt, betrayed, embarrassed… now pissed.

And finally gutted84 wrote,

I have just found this website through google and boy has it made me feel better.
i dont feel like im alone, like im some crazy narrow minded woman anymore…….. “its not just me”

I have been with my partner for 3 yrs, i gave up alot to be with him and now i dont know what to do. ive cried, screamed, thrown things, demanded that he stop and all i hear in return is ” im sorry, i dont mean to, its not an addiction, its something ive always done ( like that makes it better) i’ll stop, this time its different, it has nothing to do with our sexlives, of course i find u atractive i dont know y i do it when i have you”
All the above usually comes in 1 argument and then 2 maybe 3 days later i know he’s been on the interent looking at websites, saving picture, pleasing him self.

Im so angry with him, im so angry with my self for letting him make me to feel bad.

So after many months i finally said i was leaving and now he wants to stop, (god knows why this time is any different) so we’re looking for usefully websites that are not related to religion. we are going to put accountability softwear on the pc and see where we end up. if anybody has any useful hints/ advise i would be so greatful.

Reading these does me quite well and encourages me to stop. Actually seeing these women’s pain and anger and even depression, I can relate to my own wife’s similar emotions. This is why I Twitter some of my porn experience. I am still very embarrassed by my addiction and tweeting various parts of it. However, I do believe it to be important. Furthermore, my sponsor/accountability partner is on it and can see everything I say. Which at times I love and at other times I hate but feel very necessary.

Ok, I’ll get off my soapbox for now. What do you think about the various porn recovery books?