The other day, I was reading Joe Dallas and he wrote,
But whatever its [sexual addiction] form, it has become part of your life, despite your plans and expectations, because in its own strange way, it works.
When you discovered it, you found something that delivered both meaning and ecstasy. Meaning isn’t normally a word we associate with immorality, but think about it: there really can be profound meaning in actions that are completely wrong. Just because they’re meaningful doesn’t make them right. But because they’re wrong doesn’t remove the sense of meaning. In plain language, if sexual sin wasn’t deeply meaningful in some way, men wouldn’t indulge it.
Masturbating to Internet pornography, for example, can bring a man comfort, thrill, power, and escape, all of which create meaningful (though unhealthy) experience. When you add ecstasy to the mix—the anticipation of seeing the porn, the adrenaline rush that comes with viewing erotic images, the heightened sensations building up to orgasm, the orgasm itself—then you’ve got yourself a powerful product. Morally wrong? Sure. Addictive, even destructive? Absolutely. But powerful, nonetheless. And when a customer tries a product that delivers both meaning and ecstasy, there’s a good change he’ll go back for seconds.
But it didn’t stop at “seconds,” did it? Maybe it became a fairly regular part of your routine. Oh, there may have been times—months, even years—when you stopped. But then it kept returning; or, should I say, you kept returning to it. It was reliable and ever-present, like an old friend who never said no. So it became not only a secret vice, but a secret device as well—a product you’ve relied on for comfort, connection, and escape.
This reminded me of the 
dragon parable I read in Pure Desire by Ted Roberts. I thought I could control it. I thought it could provide me a safe place, significance, acceptance, and control. However, I was wrong. My PET turned on me. Instead of being the cute, loveable, adorable, friendly pet, it was a Pure Evil Trap. It was an idol for me. Have you ever seen a real idol? Here is a picture of Lord Vishnu, a Hindu god (one of the 3 million or so). However, think about the idol. It sits on shelf somewhere in your house. Depending on where you may live, the idol could be visible or not whether because of embarrassment or wanting to shield oneself from comments, etc. Regardless, the idol comes down or comes out whenever we want the idol to show itself. The idol is there to “give us what we think we need,” and it never delivers entirely. It works, and it gives some sort of gratification or apeasement (to your inner conflict). However, it is However, the Bible is clear that demons live behind every idol (Deut 32:17; Lev 17:17; Ps 106:37; Acts 17:16-23, 17:22, “religious”, Gk. deisidaimon, δεισιδαιμων [from deido, δειδο, "to fear" + daimon, δαιμων, "demon"]; 1 Cor 10:20; Rev 9:20).
The last time I messed up I finally admitted to myself that pornography was indeed an idol in my life. And now for the first time in my life, I can relate to the idolatry of the Old Testament Israelites and why it was so difficult for them to just abstain from them. Instead of worshipping and running to God with my problems, I turn to my PET as many of us turn to our dogs or cats and confide in it. And just like a dog or cat, it listens and allows me to do whatever I feel, whatever that may be. There is no rejection, no isolation, no name-calling, no “I told you so”, no mean looks, no comments, no nagging, nothing. Just acceptance. However, in reality, it’s not even acceptance. It’s indifference. My PET (unlike dogs or cats) doesn’t care what happens after I “use.” It doesn’t care what happens to my life. It doesn’t care what happens to my family. It simply has no buy-into anything that I care deeply about. It only cares whether I am using it or not. It is indifferent. On the other hand, it doesn’t not care either. If demons are really behind every idol, then they are behind pornography as well. So it cares deeply whether I return to it or not. While demons cannot possess me, they can be around me bidding me to come inviting, coercing, calling, crying, or whatever to get me to come. It doesn’t really accept me though. It’s only goal is to assassinate me, my character, my life, and replace my God.
As Joe Dallas said, “So it became not only a secret vice, but a secret device as well—a product you’ve relied on for comfort, connection, and escape,” pornography was a secret vice of mine for so long until it finally bit me in the butt. For the longest time, I sincerely thought and believed the myth, “If I ‘use’ porn and masturbate before I go a this date, then I will be less likely to want to have sex with her.” It was my secret device. And it was “true”…for a while. Finally, I remember the first time I acted out beyond pornography. I was at a major public university and an old ex-girlfriend, who was not a Christian (Christian by name), came to visit me. She and I had a lot in common and we hung out and even went running together (we were both training to run at the collegiate level). However, afterwards, we fooled around. We could have easily had sex, and thankfully, we didn’t. However, we did cover the other “bases” (if you will) having oral sex. I was devastated. I remember asking her forgiveness, and she rejected it because she saw nothing wrong in what we did. However, I remained distraught for a week or so. I even remember abstaining from pornography that week as well. However, a week later, “like a do returns to its vomit” (Prov 26:11; 2 Peter 2:22), I returned to my pornography. I forgave my friend for what it did to me. Thankfully, the Lord has not allowed me to do this outside my marriage; however, I completely understand the flesh’s desire to escalate. And since I am not above that escalation, I want to do whatever I can to stop this.
However, pornography has remained my secret vice and device. It is my secret vice. Not very many know that I struggle with this. And I am seriously considering adding my real name to this blog so as to remove myself completely from the shadows removing the sin’s power of secrecy. If someone were smart enough and allowed themselves to think this about me, they could put all my mistakes together and see that something was wrong. However, no one has yet to my knowledge unless I have told them. And even people that I tell don’t necessarily react the same or positive. Some respond indifferent while others respond “positively” and commit to help me; however, I don’t hear from them ever again. Yes, while it is a two-way street, I asked my dear friend for help and he said, “Yes.” But it was to no avail. I can count a few who have dropped me, and while it hurts a little, I understand. And the relationship will never improve.
It has also remained my secret device in other ways too. When I am lonely, tired, exhausted, frustrated, upset, angry, feeling shame or guilt, feel aggressive or irritable, feeling as though I want to be alone, the pornography is there calling me, beckoning me to come. Now more than ever, I can recognize it. I can hear it. Previously, I would have just acted out like a bobble head saying, “Yes.” However, now instead of falling into victory as I have in the past, there are times of chosen victory. And on the other hand, there are also times of chosen defeat. While I didn’t expressly choose defeat per se, I chose it with other actions or lack of actions (i.e., allowing myself to get too close to the line without going over realizing that the line was moved and that I crossed it long before I “actually crossed” it). So the defeats happen in my head and in my heart long before they happen with my hands or eyes.
