Ok, for the majority of my life I have been in school. It was only recently that I stopped going to school; however, even now, I still maintain a school-type mindset for some reason…maybe it’s what I know and it’s what I’ve done well. Anyways, I am one of those people who is interested in almost anything…almost. While my wife has a much broader experience and is more “well-rounded” than me and definitely more cultured than I am, I believe I have a lot of things that I am interested in. Yet, nothing really peaks my interest long…eventually I get bored and move on.
I say this because this is how I am now feeling about my recovery book
, Facing the Shadow. So instead of doing my homework over the entire week to get ready for my therapist group like any good student or good time manager, I wait until the day before, the night before to do the work (which is actually a pattern of mine from college and seminary as well). This allows for such deep reflective thought! Right!? No. So now, I am frustrated. I am frustrated that I procrastinated yet again. I am frustrated that I couldn’t just check out of my family duties to do my work. I am frustrated that the work that I did do is not deep enough or reflective enough embarrassed to share what I have done. I am frustrated that I am demonstrating (I really first wanted to say “appearing” but changed it) that I really don’t have my recovery as high a priority as it should…and my wife sees this (though she has been more than gracious by not saying anything negative!).
Anyways, for my homework, I was supposed to go through the chapter (really only the first part of the chapter) and fill in my addictive cycle and a list of unmanageable moments. While I wouldn’t mind sharing my addictive cycle, I am only going to speak in generalities simply because it may cause someone else to stumble, which is something I want to avoid (almost at all cost). So, my preoccupation stage typically occurs when I visit certain “safe” (non-explicit websites), I have a more difficult time (i.e, I begin obsessing or become preoccupied) due to how I’ve used it in the past or the content on their site. However, like some of you, there are more triggers (billboards, commericials, sounds, etc.) other than these certain websites that may hurl me into this stage. My ritualization is me getting as close to the fire as I can without burning myself. However, this almost always leads me down a path where I am simply burned to a crisp…then it’s too late! However, it was probably too late when I began walking down the path of my rituals. This then leads to my sexual compulsivity (or my acting out), which usually entails looking at pornography on a variety of “safe” sites. While this does typically lead to some release and some pleasure, it has now turned into something almost entirely unpleasurable, even angst. In the most recent past, even as I am in my ritual or sexual compulsivity, I am thinking about getting caught, about why I am doing this yet again, about the time and resources (my personal energy) that I am wasting, about needing to tell my wife and my peers. So even in the sexual compulsivity stage, I have already entered into the despair stage.
The other task that I was supposed to accomplish was to create a list of unmanageable moments (i.e., moments where I said I would never do this again). This proved a little more difficult than I originally suspected (maybe it’s because I am tired and I am writing this extremely late). However, I do have a list of unmanageable moments. Probably the biggest moment for me was with a story that I shared previously. In short, I went “across” the country with my wife to visit her family, and I returned early because I had to be back at work. However, my flight was in another city (approx 4 hrs away) near where my college roommate and his wife lived at the time (approx 1-1.5 hrs away & out of the way between the two cities). So the plan was to arrive back, drive to and stay with my college roommate for the day and night, and then head back home the next day. Instead, I drive to their house, stand outside their door peering inside watching them paint, and left. I went to a nearby Sam’s Club, bought a pay phone card (not sure why I did this now since I had a cell phone), called my wife from a nearby pay phone saying that I was at their house (bald-face lie!), and then left for home knowing and planning on stopping at an adult bookstore. At the bookstore, I purchased some videos which I watch for two days and disposed of by crushing, cracking, throwing against the trash chute shattering into even more pieces as it fell 9 stories…in a sea of repentance, which didn’t last very long.
What unmanageable moments have you had? When have you come to the end and said “I won’t do this again!” regardless of whether you did not do it again or not (which is my case)?
