I can remember it clear as day. I flew into City A extremely conflicted. I so wanted to drive to an adult bookstore to buy a cheap video to watch when I got home in City B, about 4 hours away. However, I promised my wife and friend that I would stay in City C, about 1-1.5 hours away from City A. So when I landed I began to drive to City C. I noticed every bad sign, every bad store, every bad billboard, every bad song. In fact, I was looking for them. When I got to City C, I was looking for any reason not to stay there. I drove up to my friend’s house, who happened to be doing some remodeling. I walked up to the front door, looked into the window and there made the decision: “I’m going to leave and go home.” So I turned around and skirted back to the car and drove off. I went to the local Sam’s that I saw up the street, bought a calling card, and called my wife. I told her that I was at my friend’s house! How dumb was that!?
As soon as I hung up, I departed for Home. When I made it to City B, where home was, I proceeded to go to the local adult bookstore, where I had only seen passing by. But even then it had its grip on me as the first chance I got, I went. I went into the bookstore, and eventually bought a cheap DVD. I took it home and went inside and immediately opened and played it as though it was a new toy.
However, within minutes of watching, I was full of conflicted emotions. I was angry, sad, depressed, guilt-ridden, worried, and so on. Above all of these I was worried that I would get caught, and that’s what happened! I got caught! While I cannot remember how it happened, my wife called my friend’s house, and I was busted! Not only was I busted, but I demonstrated myself to be a liar to my friend and his wife! I humiliated my wife and myself. While I have never talked about that incident with my friend, I have talked about it with my wife over and over again, as she simply does not understand what happened. I simply wanted to go home and wallow in my sin alone.
This story was the beginning of my escalation, and by God’s grace I was busted, though I was not thankful then! While I still feel a great mixture of emotions about that time, but anger over-rides them all, I know that my wife was extremely hurt by that one event. Have I lied other times? Yes, and sadly so often that I cannot even remember them. Were they hurtful? Yes, but not to me. They were only hurtful when I got caught. So what is so special about this event?
This event was symbolic. This was a huge lie. It symbolized my willingness to take it to a whole different plane, a whole different level. It showed my hardness of heart, which is still softening (which I am not sure if it can be softened sometimes). It divulged the darkness and the depravity of my life. And most of all it revealed my lack of relationship with God. Simply, it was stupid, and I never thought that it, my porn addiction, would have gone that far.
Currently, I am still not sure what extent of impact it had/has on our relationship. However, I do know that this was the beginning of my wife not trusting me about everything. Yes of course, she didn’t trust me with this or that, but generally she trusted me. However, beginning then, all trust was gone!
What are some of your big lies? Or a safer question, what are some of the big lies you’ve heard? Spouses of addicts, what are some lies that you’ve been told? Not that we are proud of these big lies, but that they need to be divulged in order to truly and fully heal. And most likely and sadly, I probably have used some of those lies.
