The first part of Step 1 of Celebrate Recovery is that we admit that our lives have become unmanageable. I can say this without any reserve. Not only has my addiction gotten out of control and my life has become unmanageable in that area, my life has also gotten out of control in other areas. I do not lead my wife in the biblical sense. I am short with my kids and feel that they are disobedient and completely out of control. I have gotten our car towed. I repeatedly get tickets from the guys in blue concerning my driving. I have gotten numerous speeding tickets, running stop sign tickets, running stop light tickets, not wearing a seat belt, reckless driving, and evading a police officer. The only traffic ticket that I haven’t gotten is driving too slow. I have even been pulled over for not using my blinker (though I did not get a ticket) and crossing a double yellow line. While the number of tickets have declined (only slightly) since I was a teenager, I continue to do the same dumb things over and over. I do not say all this to brag, rather I am quite embarrassed and ashamed of it. Just today, I got another speeding ticket. Each time there was a rational reason for my negligence. But they are nothing more than one more dumb excuse. I know that my wife doesn’t trust my driving; I don’t even trust myself to drive. I have no idea how I’ve managed to maintain my license.
So beyond the way I treat my wife, which is not respectful, loving, or as the weaker sex as Peter commands us, and my failure to lead my family and my lack of control over my kids and my inability to comply with the legal driving permissions, if I can procrastinate, I will. One of my favorite saying is: “Why procrastinate when I can just put it off?” Or “I would procrastinate but I put it off.” I procrastinate about anything and everything and usually my procrastination turns into forgetfulness. I constantly forget to take out the garbage, do something I said I would do later, clean the car, etc. So I have built this reputation with my wife that if I don’t do it now, I just won’t do it, even if I have the best intentions.
So this causes stress upon stress, worry upon worry, anxiety upon anxiety. I look at this, which is only the tip of the iceberg, and my life is out of control. And this is beyond my addiction and lack of control when it comes to a complete, unfiltered access to the computer.
Not to brag, but to create a realistic picture of myself, I have also locked my firstborn son, when he was around 1 or younger, in a running car! I have left him and the kids in the car as I went inside the house to do something for 1 to 5 minutes. I have fallen asleep at work on more than one occasion for a multitude of reasons. I have fallen asleep in the car going places. I have pulled the car over and fallen asleep in the car on the way somewhere. I have parked at work and fallen asleep not waking for my shift at work. I have done one stupid thing after another. I simply am a failure at life. I have demonstrated that I am in no way fit for any sort of responsibility. My life is simply at best unmanageable! It’s embarrassing and ridiculous. It provides stories of hilarity and college-like to teenage-like irresponsibility. And I don’t know how to fix it. It is either another “addiction” or issue or habit or hang-up that I must deal with or it is a result of my addiction. Personally I believe it is a result of my addiction, but has become a separate issue that I must deal with and deal with soon! While each individual thing is no big deal, the culmination or the accumulation of such events is unbearable. These things on top of my addiction; how does my wife live with it all? How does she stay with me and live with me?
Do any of you have similar experiences? Do you have anything to add? Any wisdom to share?
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