It’s been 2 days since I last looked at pornography. I am sitting here….laying down actually…trying not to close my eyes because every time I do I see an inappropriate image. So I open my eyes exhausted and tired yet unable to go to sleep.
So I get up & read. The chapter was great & insightful. It was a page turner & I want to read more but I’m exhausted. So I go back to bed to sleep. And the same thing happens again. And again. Pornographic image after image. Glimpses yet enough to get preoccupied thinking, “I could call someone but who’s going to answer at 2am? No. I could wake my wife up but she’s got the kids all day with an extremely busy day tomorrow plus she didn’t sleep last night because we were in a huge fight and I ended it like the good husband should (sarcasm). No.” So the battle begins. I think, “I could just masturbate and it will all stop and I could easily go to sleep after all men fall asleep after sex.” No. I can’t do that. That’s breaking sobriety too, even with SA (no sex with self). I am keenly aware of my desire to masturbate.
So then I begin trying to force myself what did I learn today. I learned 2 key truths: (1) To become free, I must first realize how bad my pornography addiction was and how bad it is, and (2) Spiritual health and emotional health are inseparable, something I started realizing this past year or two, but was confirmed in this book I’m reading. Yet neither truth helps me and then I recall one book saying that in order to know how bad something is that I need to “think through the drink” as they say in the Big Book for AA. So I began thinking through the masturbation only to think about how much more I wanted it, only to think that the grass is greener on the other side even though I’ve been there numerous times and realize that it’s not. Now having typed this out on my phone, I am exhausted. I’m going to try to go to bed again…
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UPDATE: I was able to go to sleep successfully without masturbating or fantasizing or anything. Sober night.
