How many of us want to get caught? Recently I heard a story of a guy who did everything he could well enough not to get caught but was itching to be caught. How many of us are like him? Let me explain. When he was finally caught after a several years, he was excited to become who he was in secret. He was in ministry, and so he resigned. However, he didn’t want to leave his wife, he wanted his wife to leave him. He was trying to push her away.
Who’s trying to do that? Today, I realized or allowed myself to realize that I am this person too. I desperately want my wife to leave me so I can say that she left me, not the other way around. I feel trapped, watched, emasculated, humiliated, controlled like a dog, forced into submission, disliked, a disappointment, representative of everything that is wrong in our marriage and even the world, scum, constantly under evaluation, critique, and criticism. I so desperately want my life back the way I want my life, that I am barely, if anything, fighting for my marriage. Are you with me? Have you been there?
I know that this is completely wrong and non-Christian, but it’s the truth. When I’ve calmed myself as I have now (we are in a big fight right now), I do love her. My heart breaks for where we are and where we are headed, and I don’t know how to stop the rushing train. We are constantly on different pages. I hate that, and being around her is a constant reminder of what a failure and hypocrite that I am.
In a way to gain some control, I have started this blog. It’s one that I do not believe she knows about though she could easily find it if she wishes. She would consider this non-telling a lie and extremely deceitful, but I don’t. For some sadistic reason, I find solace knowing or doing something that she doesn’t know about. Sad, eh? It’s my way of having some sort of control over the situation. It’s my way of thinking through something, anything.
So I hate her? Do I dislike her? Do I disappoint her? Do I want to quit? Or, do I love her. Do I like her? All the answers are yes. There really is a fine line between love and hate, but I believe it exists because of expectations and conditions rather than hate just being the flip side of love, which I am not convinced that it is.
My wife is my wife. She is there, has been there, and will be there when I return (right now at least). She is the mother of my children. She is my best friend, regardless of how bad I am with relationships. She is loyal, faithful, and passionate for me though I am not for her. While she fluctuates in her kindness, patience, gentleness, submissiveness, and obviously her trust in me, she is trying, probably much more than I am. Why?
I don’t know. Why do I not try as hard as she does? Why do I retreat and run away? I don’t know. Learned? Maybe, but it can be unlearned. Why is there so much anger in me? What am I so pissed about? Why am I filled with such overwhelming emotion from sadness, joy, heartbreak, achiness (is that a word; it is now), pain, disappointment, and heartache? I am an emotional wreck; that’s why I strive not to care, to be stoic, emotionless, and numb. I do not have the time for an emotional breakdown (and this is the third time I’ve said this in a week!).
When I told that to one guy, he immediately said, “Who can say when God does this?” which reminded me or is reminiscent of Puritan (Jonathan Edwards, John Piper) theology where one hurls themselves at God begging to be saved as they go through emotional pain. Well I said, “I do!” While I can’t remember if he said this next or later or even before, but he said, “It’s a dangerous thing to wrestle with God.” It may be, look at Jacob (Gen 32), he was crippled the rest of his life. But he did what he had to do. So I feel I am in the same position though I am not asking for His blessing. He then said, “So do you not believe that God is good enough or faithful enough to put you back together.” To which I tentatively agreed. Do I believe God or not? I just don’t know, which even pains me to say.
Now embarrassed, guilt-ridden, and feeling shame, what do I do? Do I go back? Do I go to my wife and ask for forgiveness? What do I do? I feel overwhelmed with all these emotions: guilt, shame, disgust, anger, and embarrassment. And I don’t know what to do. So here I sit, in the car, near a grocery store, debating whether to go home, not convinced that my wife is right but want to be with her now that I just don’t care anymore. And I believe we will probably be in another fight when I get home. Another fear of mine.
Well that’s enough rambling for now. Maybe this will hit a nerve with someone and help someone though I don’t know how
