This is a question that I have thought about for some time and one that I have heard a variety of answers for. I have seen men, including myself, use this as an excuse or cop out and some men use it well. Simply speaking how much should we reveal to our wives? Do we tell them nothing? Do we tell them everything? Or do we tell them a selective amount of events, actions, and thoughts?
So, what are our options:
- I tell her nothing.
- I tell her everything.
- I tell her what I think is important.
- I tell my accountability partner everything while I tell my wife only the important things.
- Something entirely else.
First, should we simply not tell her anything? This is problematic for a variety of reasons. More than likely, she already knows or already suspects. However, there are some wives that are still totally oblivious to the issue, sometimes to their own fault and other times to no fault of their own, only she and God knows. However, the main reason that this is problematic is that not telling her is contrary to Scripture. First, James 5:16 says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” The text clearly says “to each other,” and while someone may interpret this to be their accountability partner(s) or sponsor(s), this is insufficient. Genesis 1 and Ephesians 5 says that you are one with your spouse. How can a person be one with their spouse and hide something? Doesn’t that create an invisible wall in between the two? Proverbs 28:13 says, “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” So it is important to confess.
Now, someone may say, “Well, step 9 says, ‘We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.’ And telling my wife that I have had an affair will cause her too much injury.” Or “Well, step 9 says, ‘We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.’ And telling my wife who I have already separated, even divorced, would cause her too mcuh injury.” I strongly believe that this is a cop out of facing the truth. Not telling her is still hiding and I believe that Proverbs 28:13 and even Psalm 32 speak against that. She deserves to know. She is already hurt from the separation or divorce any way. And, eventually she will find out one way or another (whether from you, God, or someone else) and it will only cause her to fall back to the beginning stages of re-dealing with the separation or divorce. Telling her will help her in the long run, not hurt her, though it will hurt immediately. Not telling her is some sort of spiritual arrogance and a spiritual power-move. Reconciliation and restoration can only come if one comes clean. So the question really is, “Do I want to be restored and reconciled with my wife?” Some of us may answer, “Yes” and some of us may answer, “No.”
Second, I should tell my wife everything. While this is true for some women, this is not true for all. Some women need to be told EVERYTHING down to the minute detail while other women cannot handle it. However, it is not for you or I to decide. We must ask her how much she wants to know. I cannot stress it enough that we should assume that she wants full disclosure first because many women go through stages. Though this is not exhaustive or even scientific, here is my opinion. First, after they have passed the anger and denial stage (and maybe even in the midst of the anger stage), they want to know everything. Second, they want to know your failures AND your victories. Third, they want to know that you are being held accountable with someone else. They also want to know anything they ask when they ask, and they want to know anything big immediately.
Third, I should only tell my wife what I think is important. However, what is not important to you may be extremely important to her. So unless you can read your wife’s mind, I suggest you stay away from this advice. I have been told this advice again and again by counselors and pastors. However, this only caused me more pain and more arguments. First, I was in no real position to decide what was important or not. My moral compass has been nullified, numbed, and even erased in some places. So who am I to decide on the importance of the events.
Fourth, I should tell my accountability partner everything while I tell my wife only the important things. Or rather, I should tell my wife what my accountability partner deems to be important. However, this fails too because my accountability partner or yours does not know your wife as you or I know our own. Since he most likely empathizes with you and understands you, he too may make the same mistake deeming something unimportant that is in all actuality extremely important.
So, if you are like me, you may be thinking, “Great! I shouldn’t tell her nothing, and I shouldn’t tell her only what’s important. And I may tell her everything and I may not. Great! You’ve told me nothing! What should I do?”
First, be willing to tell her everything. Second, ask your wife how much she wants to know and assume that she will want to know everything. She may say, “I am good with you telling everything to SUCH and SUCH, but when I ask, be honest, be quick, apologetic, and be complete with no lying (which includes not leaving anything out).” Third, be consistent.
I fail in the last two areas constantly. First, I am willing to tell my wife everything. However, during the days that I have fallen miserably through wrong choices, I am in no shape, mood, or attitude to have a humble, apologetic, and loving conversation with my wife. If anything I am angry (at myself which usually results in being angry at her for whatever reason), defensive, and short with her. So when she asks, “How are you doing?”, I’ll say something very vague or try to change the subject while other times I am quick to answer and extremely humble and apologetic. Sometimes I’ll even begin to pick a fight without even knowing I am picking a fight (because I hate fighting with her). I’ll get angry and begin almost yelling at her. Therefore, I am no where near consistent. In fact, I am the opposite and an example of inconsistency.  However, these three steps are vital in re-establishing trust. So why am I so bad at this? Am I really willing to tell my wife everything?
Right now, I choose to want to tell my wife everything. I choose to have a good and apologetic attitude about it. I choose her. However, this choice is one that I have to make hour by hour, minute by minute, even when I don’t feel like it. It’s miserable and humbling and frustrating. And any time that I do fail, I am angry. I simply get angry. I am angry at myself. I am angry at the porn. I am angry at the PC. I am angry at anyone who crosses my path. I am angry at and jealous of anyone doing better than me. I become full of rage that is exremely hard to release or let go of and may times it comes out in unhealthy ways such as being short with my wife or kids, hitting a pillow or chair, or kicking something. I know some men who hit walls, break glass (they say that there is something therapeutic in hearing something break), and even hit themselves. While I do not do things for whatever reason, I do get extremely angry, and I am finding myself getting more and more angry as time progresses without any progress in my recovery or restoration.
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