In an earlier post, I challenged the notion that wives should serve as accountability partners. However, after talking to my wife the other night about this and another friend of mine from college, I wanted to think through what a wife’s role is in marriage as it specifically relates to her husband’s pornography struggle, addiction and recovery. Currently, I think there are several roles wives play in her husband’s porn addiction. They are:
1. Policewoman
2. Enabler
3. Ignorant
4. Fighter
5. Flier
6. Prayer Warrior
What do I mean by these? Let me explain. The first role is when the wife who, upon discovery, wants to know everything, even down to the minute detail. No matter how much it will hurt her, she has got to know. For whatever reason she wants to know, she feels she needs to know, and she has to know to finally gain peace. Usually left unsatisfied, she may launch her investigation into all things husband. Usually, mainly because of the incooperation of her husband, she searches secretly or even explicitly through his things, including his wallet, phone, and computer any time he is not around (sometimes even when he is). On top of this, she may switch to a police accountability partner. She thinks, “No one knows what he has done like I do, so I need to help him.” Or, she thinks, “No one knows when he’s lying like I do.” Or, “No one can do a better job than me.” She comes to this conclusion or one like usually without his consent or approval that he wants her help. Or if he asks for her help, this is her default mode, and it eventually is unhealthy for their marriage. Sometimes, there’s nothing worse than unsolicited help, esp. something so sensitive. And it is “too close to home” for a wife to hold her husband accountable. So this can too easily turn into a constant fight, deception/lies, and emotional pain and eventual possible depression.
The second role she may find herself, usually from good motives, is that of enabler. This is when she enables her husbands addiction from a variety of small actions such as that Victoria Secret catalog (or any other magazine with pretty women on the cover or talk about sex, even Cosmopolatin) that comes through the mail. It is simpler to a wife who enables her husband’s inability to get up on time. Instead of letting him suffer the consequences, which does affect her, may even sometimes gravely, she wakes him up (and they fight, usually, “Why do I have to get you up every day!?” and “Can you do anything by yourself?”). So she enables him usually in fear of his bad choices or mistakes causing her problems like loss of income from him losing his job.
Another role wives play is that of ignorance, eit innocently or willfully. The innocent ignorant wife simply doesn’t know that her husband struggles. She hasn’t been taught, and she doesn’t know to ask, or even what to ask. If she ever hears anything about pornography in a sermon, she may simply rationalize it thinking, “My husband has never mentioned this to me, and we have a very intimate, open relationship.” She concludes that she doesn’t need to bring it up when in fact she does. She frankly needs to ask her man. She needs to get educated from someone, a church course/Bible study (though I’ve never seen this done), or read a book like EVERY MAN’S BATTLE. The willful ignorant wife knows her husband struggles but chooses to ignore it. She never checks on it with him, and simply leaves him to hang himself. Eventually, one of two things happen: (1) she eventually can’t take it anymore and explodes or (2) she becomes isolated and lonely and either leaves her husband (usually a sudden nasty divorce) or finds herself in an emotional or extramarital affair. May no one choose this later route. It’s the most dangerous.
The next role is one of a flier. This one is probably the saddest, and one the man fears te most, especially if he has abadonment issues. Upon hearing about the struggle or addiction, she leaves in divorce, or she may just separate. Separating is not necessarily a flier action. It depends on the heart or intention. Does she paln to have him back or not? Does she just need processing time or is she planning her divorce? While any and every woman is biblically “allowed” to divorce over this issue, God hates divorce. The higher spiritual road is marriage (see Hosea, esp.) though God “understands.”
The second to last role we are going to discuss briefly is prayer warrior.
A prayer warrior is just that a warrior through prayer. She prays constantly and gets others to pray for her as well. Often this role functions alongside a willful ignorant role, but not completely. While she chooses to not talk about it with her husband except as he brings it up, she is constantly aware pleading withGod to work through her, or another, to free her husband from this the bondage of pornography. However, the woman must be careful here not to fall into the trap of a flier, i.e. she can’t take it anymore. Prayer is a passive role depending heavily on God to use His grace and kindness in a way that leads her husband into repentance. However, more often than not, this takes a very long time so she needs to be willing to know God through some really really tough circunstances, some that may be worst than the one she currently finds herself. While everyone woman should be a prayer warrior on her husband’s behalf, some find it easier than others. Some good books along this subject are THE POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE and PRAYING THE GOD’S WORD by Beth Moore. Another caution her is that the wife needs to be able to lay out her emotions before God completely. She needs to express her raw emotions and quesions such as “Why me God!?’” Or, “Why is my life so difficult?” Or, “Don’t you even care Lord that I am suffering?” Or “Why haven’t you changed him yet!?” There will be more than this, some more raw, like “I don’t know if I can take it anymore! I hate my husband!” Or, “Why did you even let me marry him?” Or, “I wish he were dead; this would be so much easier!” “I know your word says I am to respect him, but how can I when he looks at naked women all the time?” Or, “How can I have sex with such an unfaithful man!?” Or, “I know I committed to obey him, but…” And the list goes on and on. Wives, he point is that God is both your father and your husband through the marriage of the Lamb. He will not disappoint.
And finally, a woman must be a fighter. “Be courageous!” as God commanded Joshua. Fight for him; May every wife be this! This wife refuses to let him leave. She refuses to let him push her away. She refuses to walk away, though it may be extremely tempting. She sticks with him based on God’s love for her and him. She encourages, without demanding, that he gets help. She also demands certain things and creates boundaries, ie. no porn around the kids, no porn in the house, etc. This woman also prays fervently for her husband taking an active role alongside of God. This role will not work apart from the prayer warrior role.
So that concludes my short list of roles wives play in marriage regarding her husband’s pornography struggle.
