The other day I read a quote by C. S. Lewis. It read:
“A famous Christian long ago told us that when he was a young man he prayed constantly for chastity; but years later he realized that while his lips had been saying, “Oh Lord, make me chaste,” his heart had been secretly adding, ‘But please don’t do it just yet.’” -C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
The more and more that I think about this quote the more and more it resonates within me. Is this something that I do? Is this something that I have been doing? While everything in me screams, “No,” and everything in me wants to believe that this does not describe me, I believe it does. Why else am I still where I am? Even after getting help beginning in 2006 and getting caught in 2003? Why else am I still where I am after quitting seminary and moving back “home” more than a year later!? Who have I been kidding!? Only myself. Well, hopefully.
I am not kidding my wife, that’s for certain. She is probably the only one who challenges me again and again. She is the only who sees where I am. She surely knows that I am not where I should be nor where I want to be. She calls me out over and over again sticking with me standing (well, not always) beside me, not condoning what I do by any means, not making excuses for me or even allowing me to make excuses. While many times this is very frustrating and angering, it helps.
One of the things I have a hard time with is considering my faith at times of difficulty. I tend to “pull up my boot straps” and push forward. I tend to make my own way without any regard to God and his will for my life. If one were to look at my life, at first glance everything is fine. However, if one were to really look, they would notice some troubling things. If I were to be a reality TV show, I would exhibit an immense amount of issues and glaring problems that need to be fixed. Let’s look at a few for example.
- Inconsistency. I am inconsistent with almost everything I do whether it is brushing my teeth (from 0-2 times a day), showering (come on, I need some slack on this though! I have plethora of kids!), taking out the trash (daily? doubtful), cleaning the garage, hanging my clothes (really, why should we fight gravity, right?), running/exercising (though I am much better when I have something to attain to), being to places on time, and my work at the office is really inconsistent (though my boss doesn’t think so—though that probably won’t last too long).
- Failure to Follow Through. I am extremely good at coming up with ideas. I used to be good at convincing others to go with my ideas. I am decent at coming up with a plan (but I kind of prefer not to and “fly by the seat of my pants” or “wing it.”). I used to be really good at executing plans. However, I have almost always struggled with following through or seeing a project to its complete end. Many times, I will simply stop because I’ve gotten bored with it or I no longer think it is important to finish. Other times, I just hope that the other person, whoever that is, will simply forget about it. However, that is not the case. I have many people depending on me whether it’s my wife, my kids, my boss, etc. And many times, they do not forget about it!
- Poor Interpersonal Skills. This is something that I am realizing more and more. I really need to work on my interpersonal skills. I had them…but where did they go? Or did I never have them? Regardless, I believe my addiction to pornography has hindered this greatly. Furthermore, my complete and utter selfishness has only helped in its handicapping my interpersonal skills. Some times, I frankly don’t care about the other person. Other times, I simply don’t think or consider their needs. And yet other times, I just completely and utterly miscommunicate my intentions (because of my superior communication skills <- sarcasm) and am misunderstood. However, the misunderstandings over time create a perceived reputation that eventually is insurmountable, even within my family. While I am not there yet, I could be. But I don’t want to be. I want to be able to communicate well with my wife (and it is not her fault at all!). Instead, I allow my frustrations, insecurities, etc. get in the way and I simply do not communicate with her. Many times I simply assume that my wife knows what I am thinking. Other times I just do not tell her. Regardless, I want my wife to understand me and I do not want to talk about it with her. You see what happens is, we begin a conversation about whatever and eventually I begin to feel uncomfortable and want to end the conversation. In high school and college, this was easy. However, as a married man, it’s not so easy. I never really learned how to relate with someone, much less a person of the opposite sex. I couldn’t tell you how to cultivate and develop a relationship.
- Selfishness. I am selfish. Period. There is no way that I can convince anyone that I am not selfish. Almost, I say almost because there are one or two things I do that is not, everything is done with a selfish motive. Even when I am helping someone else (which is not very often if I can help it), it is in the vanity of wanting another person to think well of me or me pumping my self-righteousness or self-worth (I really hate the word self-esteem but it could fit here).
I really feel I am in need of an over-haul of my entire person. There is nothing about me that I like. This may be an extreme statement, but it is how I feel at this time. There is nothing that I like about myself, where I am, what I do, and where I am heading right now. I close my eyes in frustration, sadness, and my wife would probably say depression and see destitution, destruction, damaged dreams, desertion, and devastation (like the alliteration!?). So I simply cry out, “Help me Lord,” and I do not know what else to say. I wish I could say that tomorrow I will be a whole new person; however, that boat won’t float. I wish I could say that everything will be better in the morning; however, I know that’s not true—even though in my family (my parents and brothers) that would work because we were masters at walking on egg shells and sweeping everything under the rug. Instead, I can only cling to God’s mercies being “new every morning” because “great is thy faithfulness” (Lam 3:23).
