Many times my wife and I would fight about this or that issue, and many times for whatever reason, I found myself in a situation where my wife says something like, “So it’s my fault!?” Or, “You are blaming me for your problem!” Of course at the time I stopped and said I wasn’t. However, each and every time I was implicitly blaming her. Why?
Other times, my wife would ask me questions like, “What did I ever do to you?” Or, “Why do you hate me so much?” Or, “Why are you so mad at me?” Or, “Do you even like me?” Or, “Why do you resent me so much?” Some times I blew these questions off while other times it hits me at the core. What was I doing that made her think these things? What is it in my attitude, my tone, or whatever that is causing this?
Then I read in Joe Dallas’s book The Game Plan
Have you noticed that when we know we’re wronging another person but not willing to make it right, we tend to resent that person? I’ve seen this time and again in my married clients, for example, who know they’re cheating on their wives via pornography or adultery. They’re guilty, and the wife is the focal point of the guilt. But rather than deal with it, they avoid her and resent her for being a reminder of their sin.
So just as a woman looks on her “cheating” husband with deep desire, anguish, disgust, hurt, anger, rage, and even bitterness and resentment, the man looks on his wife with resentment and anger—not fault of her own! Just as every (well almost? though more often than not) time the wife looks at the husband and sees his affair (whether physical or virtual) like a movie playing again and again in her head imagining the worse, so likewise every (well almost, not as often as the wife) time the man looks at his wife he subconsciously gets angry and resentful to her causing him to act cold, angry, and contempt.
When I read this my heart regretfully said, “Yea, that’s true.” I can remember times where I would mess up—act out with my online porn addiction—and I would tell myself, “Now don’t go home and get upset so quickly. Focus on trying to be patient and helpful and loving.” However, I cannot remember once where I was successful. Something would happen and would cause me to upset or angry or frustrated at my wife or my kids—whether it was something little or a culmination of things in my family life.
And so because “I resent my wife,” it causes me frustration, anger, and even loneliness, solitude, and isolation. Then this leads me to be tired because of all the exertion of my energy, and all of this compiles into a trigger which “causes me” to act out again. Thus, the addiction cycle continues: “the more anxious I was about my lust, the more I lusted to ease the anxiety. The more I lusted to alleviate my anxiety, the more ashamed I was of myself, which generated (duh!) more anxiety” (Joe Dallas). So how do I get out of this cycle? First, I have begun to take responsibility for my actions. One thing that I want to be able to do is to talk with my wife before and during the struggle before I sin celebrating victories and being intimate with my wife. However, for some reason, this is extremely hard for me to do. I am embarrassed.
So now looking at my life, my wife is in no way, shape, or form responsible for my addiction to pornography. First, I was addicted before I met my wife. Second, it is my choice and my choice alone and continues to remain my choice. Third, my wife has done everything she knows to help me, hold me accountable, encourage me towards purity and fellowship with others, and walk with me through this hell. Fourth, if ever my wife is the source of my frustration, anger, sadness or whatever, it is my lack of coping skills or my failure to utilize the healthy coping skills that I do know that may lead me to “use” porn instead, not my wife. And again, I choose my addiction either by choosing porn or by not choosing my wife/family or by making no choice (and thus “falling” into my addiction). Either way, I am choosing my addiction over and above my family.
