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Sex Addict's Spouse Survey

by @purifyinggrace on January 28, 2010

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Dr. Stefanie Carnes at RecoveryZone.com is heading up a survey, called the Partner Sexuality Survey (PSS), to advance the research for the spouses of sex addicts to further understand how to help the spouse of the sex addict.

Anyone who has been involved in a relationship with a sex addict is eligible to take this survey, including males, females, heterosexual or homosexual partners, and those that are still involved in a relationship with the addict, and those that have left the relationship.

This survey is part of a research study being conducted by Dr. Stefanie Carnes. The purpose of the study is to learn about how sexual addiction impacts the sexuality of the partner of the sex addict, with the long term goal of helping partners and couples recover.

There are several benefits you may experience as a result of your participation in this study. The first benefit is knowing you are advancing research in the field of sex addiction. The second is that you may experience some insights about how your sexuality has been impacted by the addiction. And finally, at the end of the survey, you will receive a brief report, free of charge, that outlines areas of your sexuality that may have been impacted by the addiction. The only risk associated with taking this survey is that it may bring up some emotions relating to your experience in this relationship. If this should occur, please seek the guidance of a qualified therapist. For a list of certified sex addiction therapists please visit www.iitap.com.

TAKE THE SURVEY

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To My Sisters, from your Brothers

by @purifyinggrace on January 19, 2010

Recently, there has been some good discussion with Jeff’s blog Porn to Purity regarding the modesty of church women. And thankfully Marsha, his wife, added her comments, where she included a link to a letter from Christian guys to Christian girls. Having read the letter and another letter, I wanted to change and add a few things (which is my nature, so please bear with me). So here is what I have re-written.

Dear Christian Sisters,

Could we talk to you right out of our hearts for a few minutes?

It is awkward for us to talk about something of this nature, in person, so we thought we would write our feelings. And in our past experience, those men who have been brave enough to speak are sometimes met with some less than desirable responses. We are young men who have been saved by grace and been given the Holy Spirit. We desperately want to live for Christ and not follow the ways of the world or even our flesh.  Since we have committed ourselves to our Lord Jesus, we believe we should live “holy” lives as the Scriptures command us (1 Pe 1:16). After all, our bodies are the temple, the sanctuary, the place where the “Holy” Spirit lives and makes His home (1 Cor 3:16; 6:19).

You know women, but we know men. We know what we think, what we talk about, what we want, and what we look for. And it differs depending on our relationship with God. We know that men and women are affected and respond differently. We have different desires and priorities. Our eyes and minds react very differently to some things than yours do. Generally speaking, we realize that women are primarily stimulated or turned on by “touch,” maybe that’s why 1 Corinthians 7:1 (NASB) says, “It is good for a man not to touch (hapto, also used in 2 Cor 6:17; Col 2:21; 1 Jn 5:18) a woman.” Though this could be changing as our culture continues to be more and more visual. However, did you know that guys are turned on by “sight” (cf. Prov 7:10, notice the attention to the clothing)? We are aroused sexually in the same way aroused by mere “sight.” Just as Nancy DeMoss says, ”What a man’s touch is to a woman, the sight of a woman is to a man.” It isn’t disgusting, perverted, or wrong; it is wonderful and good! Especially in marriage! It is how God made us. However, it’s how we handle these differences that separate a Godly man from a worldly man. So since we desperately want to follow hard after God, could we kindly and respectfully ask you to help us with this insofar as you can? This is not to absolve us of any responsibility, but asking for help.

As you may know, a worldly man, even a carnal Christian or backsliden Christian man, won’t care or control himself whenever he looks at women. He may lust any time and every time regardless of clothes. They have no problem with women who wear clothes that show off skin, like boxers, high or low cut shirts, low rise jeans, and “cute” little swim-suits or bikinis. He’s a fan of tight-fitting shirts and pants that show off your form, he thinks they’re fine! He’s a really nice guy and sees you mainly for your body. However, we are not them. We are trying to be godly, Christian men who honor God with everything we do. Just like Job, we have already made a covenant with eyes (Job 31:1), so how can we ogle at women and not feel some sort of conviction from the Holy Spirit? However, when we see women who are dressed in a suggestive, revealing, provocative, teasing, and/or tantalizing manner regardless of their intentions, our sexual desires are aroused too and our bodies are affected and sometimes we stumble as a result (cf. Matt 18:6). It is not as though we are looking for these women are already everywhere. We use everything at our disposal and try to protect our eyes and mind. We absolutely abhor being around women that disrespect us and our struggles by wearing inappropriate attire.

So, if you will, let us be absolutely candid, and let us give you some examples of what we are referring to: women who are wearing a blouse that barely meets the waist of their slacks and some of their skin shows while they are moving around, or simply while they are walking, sitting, kneeling, or raising their hands, our minds are geared to wonder what more of their body would look like further up. Another example is when a woman wears low-cut tops which are in any degree revealing, or when they bend over (esp. when they bend at the waist and not the knees) and they are revealing themselves, this again causes us big problems in the flesh. Or for some of us, if the back is out of their top, we automatically think that they do not have the undergarment on, and the Spirit and the flesh begin to fight again. Or when we see any glimpse of undergarments, such as straps and the like, we have trouble. And by far, white slacks/skirts are the worst! Do you know that men can see your panties through white khakis?

This causes our bodies to respond biologically, and suddenly we are fighting a war in our minds and bodies. And that war of lust is continuing often long, even hours/days after you are gone. We hate this, because we want to think pure thoughts (Phil 4:8). There is no excuse for lust. And while we try to take every thought captive (2 Cor 10:5), it would be better for us not to have to take so many thoughts captive as a result of what we see. Yes, we try not to look. We actively look the other way. We have learned to bounce our eyes and star at the floor and admiring the beauty of the carpet or rocks or whatever we can rest our eyes. Some of us will just leave the room. All we are asking is for some help. Yes, there are tons of billboards, advertisements, and the like that we already need to fight. So please, will you help us? You can either help us succeed morally or can put temptation in our path making it difficult for us to overcome.

We know that you want to glorify God. We know that you want to please God. And, we know that you have the Holy Spirit if you believe in Jesus. So we listen to that the still small voice of the Holy Spirit that speaks to you and nudges you when it is too tight, too short, too low, or too revealing. Will you listen to that voice? For the Scripture says, “Do not quench the Spirit” (1 Thess. 5:19). It must be tough to want to be stylish and yet want to be modest. Some of you have husbands, roommates, sisters, and brothers. If possible, ask a guy, not that you need a man’s approval or anything; for we all have our blinders. Will you commit to always ask someone (if available) honestly, “How do I really look?” (i.e., could I cause someone stumble at my appearance? See Mark 9:42) before going out, especially to church. If you are single and don’t have any one to ask, ask yourself in front of a mirror, “Would I want my boyfriend/fiance [if you don't have one pretend that you do] to see another girl dressed like I am?” Or, “If I saw my my boyfriend/fiance [if you don't have one pretend that you do] looking at a girl dressed like this would I think he’s lusting/ogling after her?” If so, change. And if you have done everything you need to do with a clear conscience, then go however you are dressed.

Women, while we would like to come among our Christian sisters and not have to fight and struggle in the flesh, we know we must always be on guard. While we do not need to have to wrestle in the flesh at church or at church activities, we know that at church is where we are most targeted by the devil and his cohorts. We men, whether young, old, single or married, are faced with this every day among women of the “world” who love to wield the power of attraction and seduction and who use their bodies to those ends. While we would like to have some rest for our souls and eyes, we know that we can never rest. Not because of you per se, but because we know we cannot control what our eyes see initially. The Bible is clear for it says, “Do not love the world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him” (1 John 2:15).

And you may be thinking, “Well, doesn’t the Bible say, ‘God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart’? So if God looks at my heart, then it doesn’t matter what I wear, right?” 1 Samuel 16:7 is speaking directly to your heart, but the fact is if your heart is pure, your outward appearance will be modest. Women can be fashionable and modest at the same time.And yes, while we really don’t know how difficult it is for you to find stylish and well-fitting clothes, please know that we recognize it. And also remember 1 Samuel 16:7, God looks at your heart and is constantly looking for women like you (2 Chr 16:9). He notices that you are looking to the interests of others (Phil 2:3-4) as Jesus did (Phil 2:5-11). For the modesty that we are requesting is a matter of your heart, not necessarily your wardrobe.

To be honest, we respect you more when your appearance is modest, as the Scripture commands in 1 Timothy 2:9. And someone who actively pursues modesty by holding their shirt down as they bend over or stoop down is attractive because it shows the beauty of their heart. We really do not want the kind of girl who dresses provocatively, for we know that if we marry her, she will still be that way in the presence of other men once we are married. And so think about it like this: “What kind of man do you want? Answer me with your clothes.” The way you show it will attract either a worldly one or a godly one.

Thank you, dear Christian sisters, for hearing our hearts on this subject. Now that we have conveyed the truth of the matter to you, we hope that you act responsibly before God in regards to this truth. We really are “our brother’s keeper” (Genesis 4:9). We know that there is a “cult of conformity” in our generation, but we as Christians “not to conform to this world” (Rom 12:1-2). Please, do not say, “I don’t care,” but help us in these last days to live as close to Jesus as we can, and as you strive to help us, you walk more like Jesus (Phil 2:3-11). Thank you so much.

Sincerely,

Your Christian Brother

Please take a minute to look at this Modesty Survey.

TheRebelution.com: The Modesty Survey

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Pornography: Bad for just ME or Bad for Everyone?

by @purifyinggrace on July 30, 2009

Yesterday, I received a tweet from @worksandays, who said, “@purifyinggrace why is porn so horrible? is porn bad in itself, or is it bad because you have a compulsion? do u think it’s ok for some ppl?” (here) and again today, “do u want to stop using porn b/c it’s bad for YOU, or b/c you believe it’s bad for EVERYONE? do u have a real problem w/ it?” (here).

First, before this question can be answered, we must define pornography. Without entering the debate right now, let’s survey some definitions.

From WordNetWeb from Princeton.edu, Porn is “creative activity (writing or pictures or films etc.) of no literary or artistic value other than to stimulate sexual desire.” From Wikipedia (caution: contains a picture of Adult Magazines), Porn is “Pornography or porn is the depiction of explicit sexual subject matter for the purpose of sexually exciting the viewer. Pornography makes no claim to artistic merit, unlike erotica which does.” From MyFolio, Porn is “With the exclusion of the tasteful use of nudity in artwork, images depicting pornographic acts including intercourse, masturbation, abuse or bestiality, and/or links to pornographic or offensive websites will not be tolerated under any circumstances.” From Crisis Pregnancy Centers’ glossary (and ChoicesAZ), Porn is “Sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal.” Merriam-Webster defines pornography as “ the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement.” The Standford Encyclopedia of Philosophy writes four definitions. They are:

  1. “Pornography is any material (either pictures or words) that is sexually explicit.”
  2. “Pornography is sexually explicit material (verbal or pictorial) that is primarily designed to produce sexual arousal in viewers.”
  3. “Pornography is sexually explicit material designed to produce sexual arousal in consumers that is bad in a certain way.”
  4. “Some non-sexually explicit material might also turn out to be bad in the relevant way.”

From Charles Hogg writes,

Pornography is easily recognized but is often difficult to define concisely. The word pornography originates from the Greeks who defined it as writing about prostitutes (Easton 1998, 605). The Canadian Dictionary of the English Language defines pornography as “sexually explicit material that sometimes equates sex with power and violence.” (1997). This definition, by specifically including the concepts of power and violence, is perhaps too restrictive. Pornography has also been defined as “sexually explicit material that subordinates women through pictures or words” (Easton 1998, 605). This definition, by strictly associating pornography with the subordination of women, may also be too narrow. The broadest way to define pornography is as a sexually explicit depiction.

From an academic perspective, I agree with Charles Hogg when he says, “Pornography is easily recognized but is often difficult to define concisely.” Or in the words of Justice Potter Stewart, who in 1964 tried to explain “hard-core” pornography, or what is obscene, said, “I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced . . . [b]ut I know it when I see it . . .” (Jacobellis v. Ohio, 378 U.S. 184, 197 (1964), see here too). So there is pornography (sexually explicit depiction) and there is erotica (sexually explicit art). Then there are anatomy books that depict sexual body parts for educational purposes (intent) and those are not considered pornographic (by most). However, should intent or use be part of the definition? Many, as we have seen above, include intent into the definition; however, intent can be masked and hidden behind “art.” But this appears to be the normative use of pornography. However, people use erotica (and even anatomy books for some addicts) as pornography. Some addicts would even use some non-sexually explicit material that potentially is arousing (ie. Victoria Secret catalog or other magazines). From a practical perspective, I tend to err on the “safer” side. I’d rather call something pornographic and deter myself and others from it than not. So if something can potentially be used to produce sexual arousal, then to me (and hopefully for addicts) it is pornographic. So intent fades (though still considered) while use is brought to the light. So to an addict I might say that the Victoria Secret catalog is pornographic, while to a normal person I may withhold that comment (though I guess not any more!).

So really by any definition of pornography, pornography in its most restrictive definition (“Pornography is sexually explicit material designed to produce sexual arousal in consumers that is bad in a certain way”) it is inherently bad. However, with my definition, the materials may not be inherently bad (ie. anatomy books, retail catalogs, etc) but can be utilized in a bad way. Let’s get practical for a second. Take a 6 year old boy. Would it be okay to place a pretty naked woman in front of him? Would he lust or take a special interest? Take a 12 year old boy. Would it be okay to place a pretty naked woman in front of him? Would he lust or take a special interest? Take a teenager (under 18). Would it be okay to place a pretty naked woman in front of him? Would he lust or take a special interest? American society and the law says it is not ok, and that there is something wrong with that.

So what is so horrible about pornography? Now, I do not know the statistics on the relationship of pornography to sexual abuse or to rape (or even if there is an official scientific correlation, which I believe there is), but recently the Hoover Institute at Stanford University published in the Policy Review an article called, “Is Pornography the New Tobacco?” where “Mary Eberstadt, who has written a truly insightful and thought-provoking paper on the similarities between the acceptance of pornography in today’s culture and the acceptance of smoking in the fifties” (source). Furthermore, while I also do not know the statistics of the relationship of pornography to divorce, TIME Magazine wrote,

At the 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two-thirds of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said the Internet played a significant role in divorces in the past year, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half of such cases. “This is clearly related to the Internet,” says Richard Barry, president of the association. “Pornography had an almost nonexistent role in divorce just seven or eight years ago.” (Other sources: here, here, here, here)

So there is a massive impact of pornography on society, especially with its impact on marriage. I personally have compiled about 33 negative consequences of the use of pornography, which I’d like to get down lower through creating solid, pregnant sentences and consequences. These consequences are both tangible and intangible. Some of these consequences include,

  • Loss of fellowship & intimacy with your spouse.
  • Loss of your mind, sleep, time, energy, and money.
  • Loss of pure sexual desire, exchange for dysfunctional, perverted desire.
  • Loss of friends, family, and co-workers (as with any addiction).
  • Loss of the ability to relate (thus isolation and personal detachment).
  • Loss of personal responsibility or culpability.
  • Loss of personal respect & confidence (resulting in guilt, shame, & depression).
  • Loss of proper respect towards the opposite sex (the objectification of women [or men]).
  • Loss of your job and your dreams.
  • Loss of moral sensitivity (and spiritual sensitivity).

Now are there some benefits? [I originally wrote, "Sure, and that's why it is so attractive! But I would argue that these benefits give way to the 33 negative consequences over time." However, after further contemplation, here is what I mean:] No! There are no benefits. Whatever benefits that one can see are either future consequences/costs or myths. And both these consequences/costs and myths need to be understood. While there is the “benefit” of immediate gratification, that is no real benefit whatsoever. Instead that too is a consequence/cost. So I have come up with about 27 myths about pornography which again I am trying to lower. But some of these include:

  • Pornography does not affect us.
  • Pornography does not impact or hurt those around you.
  • Pornography only uses women who consent.
  • There would be no pornography without the women.
  • Women are paid extremely well in pornographic shots or videos.
  • Pornography promotes a healthy (even liberated) sex life.
  • Pornography helps my marital sex life.
  • Pornography is not addictive.
  • Pornography is an inescapable trap.
  • Pornography is an unforgivable sin.
  • Pornography is enjoyable—surely God wouldn’t make something so enjoyable so sinful.
  • “God made me this way.”

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Polls

January 2, 2009

Here will be a series of polls related to pornography or pornography addiction.

As a Christian, am I a SAINT or a SINNER or both?(survey software)

How many times have you viewed pornography in the past month?
(polls)
Which medium is your preferable choice of pornography?
(polls)
In the last week, have you viewed pornography (sexually [...]

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Pornography Addiction Statistics

April 21, 2007

Pornography Addiction and Industry Statistics
§ As of 2003, there were 1.3 million pornographic websites; 260 million pages (N2H2, 2003).
§ The total porn industry revenue for 2006: $13.3 billion in the United States; $97 billion worldwide (Internet Filter Review).
§ U.S. adult DVD/video rentals in 2005: almost 1 billion (Adult Video News). Hotel viewership for adult films: [...]

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