Step 1 Archives - PurifyingGrace

The Twelve and Twelve asks,

Since Step One requires an admission that our lives have become unmanageable, how could people such as these take this Step? …
It was obviously necessary to raise the bottom the rest of us had hit to the point where it would hit them. By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression…
Why all this insistence that every AA must hit bottom first? The answer is that few people will sincerely try to practice the AA program unless they have hit bottom.

When I read this, I ask myself, “Have I hit bottom?” Sometimes, when I am in the midst of my addictive thinking, I am asked this same question by others too, “Have you truly hit bottom?” Sometimes we are asked this with additional rhetoric, such as, “What does it take? Does it take losing your job? Losing your wife? Losing your kids? Losing your family? Losing your life?”

Personally, I believe one’s bottom is ever moving and ever changing. The only true bottom is the “bitter end,” from which sadly there is no return. Depending on one’s social, financial, mental, physical, and/or spiritual place, one’s bottom could be as high as marital discord or as low as losing everything and being homeless. Regardless of where one finds their bottom, the felt pain is both unique and the same as all other addicts felt uniquely; in a unique time, in a unique situation, and in a unique person. The only requirement for working the steps or being a member of any 12 step group is the desire to stop ____. In our case, this desire can be a desire to stop seeing prostitutes, having affairs, looking at pornography, masturbation, emotional affairs, sexual anorexia, or even sexual mental fantasies. None are worse than the other; none are better than the other. All are painful. All cause some level of suffering/pain to oneself and to others.

Step One is designed to show me and to remind me of the depth of the pain I’ve caused on myself, on others, and to God. In therapy groups, 12 step meetings, and in other recovery-related meetings like Celebrate Recovery, this step is first modeled where members speak openly and honestly about their acting out histories. These models create a safe environment and demonstrate similar behavior and thoughts that I can relate. But regardless of whether I see a good step one modeled before me, I still can take certain steps to ensure a solid step one. In step one, the bottom serves as the ultimate picture of unmanageability and powerlessness.

Here are some questions for thought or even journaling…

Have you hit your bottom?
hat was/is your bottom?
How did knowing your bottom help you take Step One?

This was a post originally written for PorntoPurity.com by me that I wanted to reproduce here (click here for Part 1).

8. Blaming: This is when you shift blame and responsibility from yourself to another person, and many times this is done unconsciously since in the depth of our being we really don’t want to be held responsible for something. I call this the Adam Syndrome as this is what Adam did in the Garden (Genesis 3) by wrongly blaming Eve for his rebellion. This includes, “Well, you would cruise all night, too, if you had my job,” or “If my spouse weren’t so cold…” or “I can’t help it, the baby cries day and night and makes me nervous.”

9. Intellectualizing: This is avoiding feelings and responsibility by thinking or by asking why. This person tries to explain everything getting lost in detail, rabbit trails, and/or storytelling. This often includes pretending superior intellect and using intelligence as a weapon. If you watch the TV Show Bones, Dr. Temprance Brennan does this often.

10. Victim Mentality (Carnes, Hopelessness/Helplessness): This is where a person says, “I’m a victim,” or “I can’t help it,” or “There is nothing I can do to get better,” or “I’m the worst.”

11. Manipulative Behavior: This usually involves some distortion of reality including the use of power, lies, secrets, or guilt to exploit others.

12. Compartmentalizing: This is something that almost every addict does (I actually want to say EVERY but will hold back). This is separating your life into compartments in which you do things that you keep separate from other parts of your life. This is like a Jackel and Hyde or a separation of Public and Private life to the point where it is unhealthy driven by thoughts of “If they only knew, then…”

13. Crazymaking: This occurs when we are confronted by others who DO have a correct perception…we simply tell them that they are totally wrong. We act indignantly toward them attempting to make them feel crazy by simply positing that they cannot trust their own perceptions.

14. Seduction: This is the use of charm, humor, good looks, or helpfulness to gain sexual access and cover up insincerity.

It is a process that is continuous, and I must continually choose to step out of denial in my thinking and definitely any time I do something wrong. For me, while I struggle with many of these denial types (Blaming, Intellectualizing, and Compartmentalizing) and probably have done them all at one point or another, my Big Three are Minimizing, Omission, and Intellectualizing. It is a good practice to take this list and mark the ones that you think you do, and confirming it with your spouse and/or your sponsor and/or someone close to you that knows most of the story and has lived through things with you. The goal is to identify which ones we tend towards so when we are facing our secrets and/or our problems, we can identify some of these behaviors in order to face the truth at all costs and comfort and live out the Stockdale Paradox. What are the types of denial that resonate with you?

Bottoms Up: Why Does Every Addict Have to Hit Bottom?

14 Types of Denial in Addiction, Part 2